A life full of dreams against all odds.

 Fri, Jul 23, 2010, 2:20 AM

to me

I have so many dreams for us, and I don't know if you share those dreams.  But, if you don't, it doesn't matter.  I know we will work things out.  Besides, I'm pretty sure we have some similar dreams. 

I keep thinking about that day when you told me I needed to set aside time to travel with you.  I can think of no other request as idiotic as that.  I want to hold you on high mountain tops.  Scream your name with you nearby me.  I want to travel by boat down a river, with you sitting near.  I want to stumble through the jungle with you close by. 

I imagine us living far away from where either of us is used to.  Making homes temporarily, waiting for the day to move on.  I see us exploring the world like no other duo could.  We can find out more about this world together than either could have alone. 

I desire the day when we are finally ready to settle in a permanent place.  To raise beautiful and intelligent children.  To find careers that allow us time to live and play.  I know we will make beautiful children.  I know we can give them a healthy start.  I will never doubt our power together.  We are strong.  Invincible.

I may be an idealist, but who can blame me when I've found something so close to ideal, I couldn't dream of anything but.  You make me happier than I could have ever imagined.  Sometimes I still worry.  Recently, I've been worrying again that there is something hidden about you.  Something that will rear its nasty head, and turn me into a shell of a woman.

I feel at this time, and know it will always be, that I would be utterly destroyed if you hurt me.  I love you because you are a dream, a fantastic illusion come true.  I remember you once telling me of how Jose hurt Maria over so many years.  How you would not do the same to your own wife.  I ask you now, understanding you already agree, to always remember your mother.  To always remember what an intelligent woman deserves. 

I realize that I am preaching to the choir, but I worry with us being so far apart.  I have not forgotten you, not for a moment.  I just want to reassure you I dedicated my life to one man, and that man is you.

I give my embrace, my kiss, my home, my children, to you Javier.  Most of all, I give you honesty and respect.

If you return the favor, I will never let you down.  I will work to make us as happy as possible.

I promise this.

The woman who would do anything for you,

Your wife,

Mrs. Alia Day

  

Alia's letters still make me cry today. It breaks my heart to think I was not able to save our marriage. Alia truly loved me; but, as much as I tried to keep the fire burning, it eventually went out. I cannot believe it all slipped away and I just could not stop it. Alia most absolutely believed in me, but, as much as I did everything humanly possible to make her dreams come true, I failed her. I remember like yesterday the fear in Alia's eyes when she told me, that all since she was a little child her mother had said to her time and time again, that mother and daughter would be together forever. It kills me to think that, after all what she fought, all what she did for me, I failed to save her from her mother. Alia had her own dreams for her life, and they definitely were not to be her mother's toy, nor just submissively accept the man her mother determined will not interfere in the privileged relationship her mother had with her. Probably what is most painful is to think that we had made it; we had reached the top and it was all downhill from there, but the wheels still came off. We had it all, but it still did not suffice. I guess it was meant to happen. It seems like Alia knew it from the very beginning...

 

I think it became most hurtful to discover that absolutely nobody cared. Neither on Alia's side nor on my side, there was a single person, who felt any sadness for the extinguishment of our love. In fact, some of my closest relatives and friends could not even hide how happy they were to hear the news. It was certainly disappointing, but I guess that is how we are. I find it, however, a bit more difficult to understand the lack of concern among Alia's people. She had just tried to commit suicide and nobody evidenced much care about it. It was heartbreaking to see Alia was feeling like dying, I was the only person who cared, but I was likewise the only person she did not want any help from. I was repeatedly told I had to accept Alia's decision; but I have just never been able to understand, why it was that nobody could ever accept the rather obvious fact that Alia had most absolutely broken down. In fact, if Alia had wanted to commit suicide, did it then mean that we all had to respect her decision to put an end to her life? During the first three years after our separation, I could do little else than coming to terms with what it was, how things are and what is the reality of this world; but everything got so much disturbing when Alia started to allege I had abused her psychologically, verbally and physically all throughout our marriage. As hurtful as it was, I really thought it could be for the better: if anybody had kept any doubt about Alia's mental health condition, now it had become self-explanatory. They had been there, they had seen it with their own eyes, for years Alia had been constantly posting on her Facebook pictures on her travels and adventures, Alia would not stop talking about me, some of them came over for dinner or even stayed with us. It was for everybody mesmerizing to see how much we loved each other, how well we were doing, how happy we were. Alia was everybody's envy. They all knew what was the truth. Alia had tried to commit suicide, she had been diagnosed Post-Traumatic-Stress  Disorder, was again doing drugs - at the very least pod -, had become alcoholic and, finally, was now making false allegations of abuse against the half-blind guy, with whom she had spent the happiest years of her life. It really warranted the question, what else needed Alia to do against herself, how much more did Alia have to punish herself, for them to understand that she needed help. Clearly, either she was not in her right mind, she was being manipulated or - in all likelihood - both of them together. Disturbingly enough, as it turned out, for even the closest of Alia's relatives - not unlike when Robyn sat down to smoke pod with her 11-year-old daughter - there was not really a concern for Alia's wellbeing, as much as it was for the good standing of the relationship with her. That is, Alia could be going through a nightmare and be the most miserable person on Earth, that - so long she continued loving them - or, at least, continued saying she loved them - it was all cool with them. Clearly, nobody would have the sincerity nor the selflessness to point out to Alia the things they knew she did not want to hear. Rather, they asked me, what did I think were the reasons why Alia's parents had been so ferociously against our marriage. Was it my foreign origin, the significant age difference or my visual disability?

Yes, I have always laid the blame squarely at Robyn's feet. She has certainly always been the target of my grievances; however - whether I like it or not - the truth is Robyn was not alone, but too many people seemed to hold the same view. Indeed, for sufficiently long time, too many people who matter enough to Alia asked her sufficient times, how on Earth she had decided to marry me. If everybody shared the same opinion, at some point it would have to give, and give Alia did, indeed. After all, "Alia was very young when she marry and I had to understand that I was not her father". We could all probably agree that she was not in good mental health; but I was nobody to think I knew what was the origin of her sad state of affairs. I remember how maddening it was for Alia, whenever anybody pointed out how young she was, as a subterfuge to call her decisions into question. Neither could I forget how I was required to swear I would forever love and care for Alia, in times of sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse; but, regardless, as it turned out, only Alia's parents had the right to decide what was good for her, what was that Alia should do and what was that she should not do. Yes, if everybody shared the same view,  there was little we could do, it was inevitable that, sooner or later, our marriage would fall apart. As Alia had always feared, our love was doomed before it even began. 

Our sin was that we just wanted to be happy, and did not see a reason why we should dedicate our lives to making money. We did not want end up living to work, but hoped we were only going to work to live. Indeed, our biggest mistake was to think we were free to decide for ourselves how to pursue happiness. Nobody understood that, right after completing my Ph.D., I decided to go bicycle-touring for the following couple of years. Having spent the better part of the previous decade working on my thesis, it was definitely the right time to find a good position. It was certainly a pity I would give up the best opportunity to have all that effort pay off. It was even reasonable to think I was leaving it all to waste. However, I really needed a break; I was exhausted. Until then, I had spent my life thinking in the long term: if I work very hard now, one day in the future I will be very happy. But I could not do that anymore; it just did not make any sense: I was already in my thirties and I needed to start thinking about actually enjoying my life. I had just made a formidable professional achievement, but I had no social life.

Over in Montana, Alia was going through struggles of her own, and was soon going to face a similar dilemma. As a teenager she had declared to her parents her dreams for the future: the kind of dreams a teenage girl could think her parents would love to hear. She had dropped out of school a couple of years later; but had now decided to study forestry. She wanted to go to graduate school and join the Peace Corps afterwards. In 2010, alia was fully devoted to the pursuit of her objectives; but was profoundly unhappy. The previous years she had spent summer in New Zealand, working during the day and partying during the night, with a bunch of wild, crazy youngsters from all over the English-speaking world. From then on, Alia would time after time explain New Zealand taught her there was more to life than work. When Alia met me, she truly believed she had found the love of her life. Immediately, she wanted to marry, and could not understand why her parents were so ferociously against it.       

Clearly, our whole problem was that we believe in ourselves. We knew what we wanted and did not see why we should need someone else to tell us what was best for us. Nothing was too difficult for us. We truly believed we could accomplish anything, because we knew we had each other

We did not have anything to fear, because we thought together we were invincible.

Yes, you are about to hear the most beautiful story ever told. Now, you would be justified to wonder what kind of a story teller am I, if I start by revealing how the story ends, but do not worry, I am not telling you the end of the story. Now, do not get fooled by the general trend the narrative follows throughout the story. Expect an earth-shaking turn of events at the very end. Fact of the matter is, at the time of this writing, the story has not ended yet. You know, it is not over until life is over. In fact, I hope I can count on you to find the happiest ending to our adventure through life. Indeed, this is not just my story; this is your story as well. It is our story, it is everybody's story. There is here a whole lot at stake for everybody. Yes, this is the story that will change the world for the better.