Chapter 3: Mother and Daughter: Together Forever

According to Alia, Robyn had some serious mother problems. I remember her once saying that her mother had not even ever taken a look at her child. As Robyn's grievance went, her mother had needed some friend to point out to her, how beautiful her child was. Only then, that first time she looked at her daughter, did she realized she was sort of beautiful. Evidently, Robyn felt her mother had not really loved her; certainly, not nearly as much as she needed. As a matter of fact, I have heard this grievance from many women: for instance, my own mother. I guess women need a lot of love; I mean, a lot. I do not think we are quite aware of how much love women need; they just can never get enough love.

I remember one of my first conflicts with Alia was over whether it was appropriate to physically discipline a child. Alia was putting me through the test. It has always since stroke me, that Alia was totally in love with me, but she still needed to make sure I met certain requirements, before she would accept marrying me. That had never gone through my mind: if I really loved a woman, it was only natural that I would want to share my life with her, no questions asked. Since I was a little child, the idea that women have always been discriminated against, had been very deeply drilled in my mind. However, that just did not make sense with everything I could observe in the world around me. It did shocked me the level of hostility I received from several (albeit certainly by no means all) of Alia's relatives and acquaintances. It was not rare the case, where I was introduced to someone and immediately I was warned of what they would do to me, if I ever dare to hurt Alia or mistreat her in any way. From day one - just because I was a man and Alia was a woman - I was held suspicious, by men and women, left and right. At some point it came to be upsetting and disturbing. I did not understand, I had just met Alia, I loved her, she believed in me like no other woman before, we love each other dearly, I thought I may have at last found the woman I had always been looking for; yet, for them, it all seemed like I was looking for a fight, and they were setting themselves ready for the war that was about to begin between Alia and I, over who would control whom.

Alia was never put through any such inquisition. I know in some cases the groom's mother will forever doubt the bride is good enough for her son; but my mother could not be happier that I had found a woman who believed in me despite my visual disability. As much as Alia was totally infatuated with me, she herself still had questions. She really feared one day she would suddenly discover something horrible about me. She kept tormenting herself over the dreadful thought that behind my innocent facade I hid a repulsive self-loving womanizer. One morning she came to me saying she had had a nightmare, according to which I had married 8 - 9 times before. The thing was so ridiculous, that I did not think it even merited a response; so, I just disregarded it with a dismissive gesture. However, Alia deemed that woefully unsatisfactory. She stared at me and demanded I provided an explanation. I just limited myself to protest her dream did not bear any resemblance with the reality. Fact of the matter is that until then I had barely had any relationship with any girl, and it would have been fair to say I had never even had a girlfriend.

The irony is that Alia would not feel any aprehension to say, that she was herself quite a playgirl. When we first met, she tried hard to impress me; but she then soon turned to reveal everything that was not so good about herself. It seems to me she had come to realize I was greatly impressed and so the fear became the day I would discover, that she was not as perfect as I had first thought. Alia really wanted to succeed in her marriage, and she was now thinking in the long run. Alia's hope was that, if I really loved her, then I would accept her as imperfect as she was: As a matter of fact, Alia was - in her own words - a "bad girl": She had been doing drugs since she was 11. She would openly joke with a friend how, as young girls, they both enjoyed going out to "beat up the boys". She was a "strong woman", who did not take any bullshit, and did not hesitate to beat up her former boyfriend, if he so required it. In fact, she felt no embarrassment in bragging about having cheated on him, at the same time that she explained she would have felt totally justified to shred him to pieces, if he had ever dared to betray her. She knew it was wrong and feared it would end up killing all what matter the most to her; but she could not help feeling the way she did. Few months after our wedding, - at the same time she wrote me to say she had been having suicidal thoughts, because she could not be in Montana any longer without me - she told me she had a foreboding feeling that some day she would betray me. I think her hope was that I would not allow that to happen. However, as life ended up proving, there was little I could do about it: If I put a veil on her, I would have been the jealous asshole her parents wanted to portray me as. But, if I respected her freedom and allowed her to freely interact with any other man outside my watch; then, undeniably, it meant I did not love her enough, since I obviously did not mind to lose her. Indeed, lo and behold, since I have never been a jealous asshole, six years later, Alia betrayed me with a repulsive self-loving womanizer. Ironically, few days after our wedding, Robyn threatened to kill me, if I ever hurt Alia; but, if I ever wondered what she would do if Alia betrayed me, she clarified she most absolutely would always take her daughter's side, obviously. All through my life, women have always been described to me as little angels who come from Heaven; yet, as far as I could tell, Marge and Lisa are not any better than Homer and Bart; but are every bit as selfish. As a matter of fact, privately, women have always been the first to point that out to me.  

Paramount in Alia's examination was my view on anything related to children. No matter what they say, there is no way around it, Alia had always wanted to have children. As a young girl, there was nothing she enjoyed more than taking care of her little doll Addy. Alia needed a lot of love, and she must have sense that nowhere will she find more love than in a big family with many children. Definitely,there is no more wonderful feeling in this world than the wholehearted, loving hug of a child. Alia was pleased to hear that I also liked children. There was little else Alia loved more to talk about than children; particularly what is the right way to raise them. I should not have any doubt about it, she would be the perfect mother, since she knew everything about it; she had learned it from her mother. 

For instance, physical punishments of any kind were most absolutely forbidden; she would never ever punish her children and, obviously, expected me to likewise refrain from it. Physical punishments transmitted a message of superiority of the parent over the child, that was simply not acceptable. The theory really did not make much sense to me, though, and -since I hate to say the opposite of what I think - I dared to voice it out: To begin with, undeniably, the parent has a superior knowledge than the child and, therefore, not only there was nothing wrong, but it was the parent's duty to teach the child, what is right and what is wrong. Obviously, the next question is what would be a good way to do it; but I just could not see what was the problem about a gentle pat on the butt. When I was little, my mother did not hesitate to spank us whenever she deemed it necessary, and it is not like I got scarred from it or something.

 

Alia was shocked, almost horrified; her mother had never spanked her in any way. Well, as a matter of fact, she did once: apparently, little Alia had been a total jerk and, at some point, Robyn could not hold it any longer and gave her a good beating. Interestingly, according to Alia, it was much worse for her mother than for her: Robyn felt so terribly bad about beating her child, that she swore to never ever do it again. 

That was exactly my point: it is so much easier to say 'yes' to a child than to say 'no'; but the child will learn more from a 'no' than from a 'yes'. I kind of hate these modern parenting theories; they are just idiotic. I don't get it! mothers have been raising children for literally millions of years, and - given how far we have made it - it is not like anybody could reasonably argue, our grandmothers did not do a freaking amazing job. Yet, here are some experts to declare that they all got it wrong, and - after having studied the subject for a few years - they have been able to figure out a much better way to do it. It is truly insufferable that - as if we were little inexperienced and unknowledgeable children - we have to be lectured by the most learned in the society, for even the most basic and fundamental facets of a person's life.

According to Alia, Maureen, Robyn's mother, was a very traditional and religious person. That, however, did not in any way mean she was a submissive woman. Quite the contrary, by all accounts she was most absolutely in charge. It seems to me, she probably did not approved the way her older daughter conducted herself through life. Though, perhaps, it was the other way around: perhaps, Robyn made her choices just in a way to rebel against her mother, for all what she had ignored her. Considering that the fake-feminist ideology is the sheer rejection of all the restrictions on women's freedom held by her mother's traditional mentality, it was only natural that Robyn would embrace it: Women should be free to do as they please; but, given how beautiful they are, they should still be loved to bits, regardless of what they do. For that sake, Robyn could have been the sheer mother of modern parenting theories: My childhood was miserable and I did not flourish as I should have; because my mother neglected me and did not nearly loved me as much as I needed. In other words, in order for a child to flourish, her mother has to keep it at all times wrapped in love, hugs and kisses. Undoubtedly, we all long for all the love in the world, and it would probably be fair to say that this is especially true for girls; but, as a theory of good parenting, it does not make good sense to me. The way I see it, in order to be happy, we need to feel loved; that is, the key to a person's happiness in life is to feel loved by the people around you. There is no way around it, no matter how much money you own, if you do not feel loved, you will never be happy. Consequently, if the whole point of parenting a child is to teach it, how to navigate into a happy life; then the crucial and most helpful art for the child to learn is how to win the love of the people he or she cares the most about. Now, considering that Robyn has always generally been found a very good-looking woman, it is very likely she must have felt it was a given that folks would love her. However, as a matter of fact, it never really works exactly like that. There is no denial that men barely ever care for anything other than the girl's looks; but, in reality, there is a bit more to it: men and women not only care about how strong and fit the other person looks; but it is likewise important to what degree the desired person would stay loyal. Women certainly do not just look for the best fisherman; but they will also need him to be crazy in love with her, or one day she may find that the guy delivered his fish to some other woman. As much as it typically passes unrecognized, the male instinct follows a rule along similar lines. Undeniably, a man will generally go bananas at the sight of a sexy woman; but, in the long run, he will still need to observe his queen maintains some sort of certainty, that he is the best fisherman around, or one day he may find that she has started to rely on some other fisherman to provide for all her basic needs.

Whether we like it or not, fact of the matter is the love we receive from other folks is very much related to the degree to which we contribute to their lives. Therefore, it is crucial to acquire a good understanding of what are other folks' real needs and desires. As much as the most learned in the society will always be eager to lecture us on what are the right rules of conduct, that will be most appreciated in the community, the natural and most effective way to develop a good instinct of what is that wins the love of other folks is simply by trial and error. Definitely, human beings do not come with any sort of user manual on what is that they like and what is that they do not like; even less is there any good science on the subject. Now, as much as it is always more fun to receive positive feedback, undoubtedly, there is always more to learn from mistakes. In the past women usually had many children and it was necessary to compete against one's siblings for mom's love and attention. In contrast, today's modern parenting theories require mom to love her child to bits, no matter the little monster's mischiefs. Modern parenting theories sustain that when children feel loved, happy and safe, their brains are more open to absorbing new information, solving problems and developing critical thinking skills; however, there simply is no neuroscientific basis for such a claim. Rather, it is well established that - to the extent that the emotional charge of an episode is definitely the most reliable indication of its relevance - we will retain better memory of an experience the more emotionally intense it is. Now, as anyone can easely understand, this principle applies for negative experiences as much - if not even more - as for positive experiences. For only one thing, negative feedback generally carries more reliable information than positive feedback. Clearly, it is rather unlikely the little monster is going to learn to behave, if mom hugs it after each and every mischief; but, if what follows is a gentle pat on the butt, the message is self-explanatory; is it not? How can anybody try to pass such idiotic theories as expert opinions? I am sorry, I just cannot help it, it is really unbelievable the sort of nonsense preached nowadays by the most learned in the society. Yes, Robyn may have argued that, in order for Alia to flourish, she needed to be kept at all times wrapped in love, hugs and kisses; but - albeit most probably unconsciously - the actual reasons for Robyn's parenting style were far less lofty and selfless. Indeed, there was a reason why Alia wanted to have many children and, as much as Robyn hated her own mother's mentality, deep inside she could not help to feel the very same needs. 

Since the days Alia was a baby and her biological father committed suicide, Robyn has been telling her daughter, they will be together forever. Robyn did not even hesitate to use drugs to tie her daughter to her, to the point that mother and her teenage daughter doing drugs together was absorbed as a "great bonding experience" for both of them. Since very early, Robyn taught Alia she would always be right, she could always do whatever she felt like and always get her way, as long as she stays Robyn's little child. Alia got so into drugs at the early age of 11 and, being a brilliant student, dropped out of school when she was 14. Robyn was cool with all that, because "more than mother and daughter, they were best friends" and her concern was not the wellbeing of her daughter, but the wellbeing of the relationship with her. Alia is missing as many as 8 teeth in her mouth. It is really heartbreaking to listen at her explain so very embarrassed, they had to extract those teeth, even before they had started coming out, because there was no space for them. She is then so ashamed to admit she continued sucking her thumb until so late in her childhood, that her jaws eventually got deformed, to the point there was not enough space for all of her adult teeth. She is so very embarrassed about it, but, fact of the matter is, nobody ever told her it was about time she stops sucking her thumb. Robyn certainly had never any interest in risking a conflict with her daughter by correcting her in anything.     

Alia's writings show how Robyn deeply ingrained in Alia's mind the conviction Robyn had been an awesome mother and her parenting deserved quite a lot of credit for Alia being so intelligent. Robyn very cleverly sweetened the message to make it really seductive to Alia: Robyn had been an awesome mother and thanks to her great parenting Alia had grown to be so intelligent, and since Alia was so intelligent, she always knew what she was doing and, therefore, everybody had to respect her decisions; even if those were to start doing drugs at 11 or drop out of school at 14. It was, however, unfortunate Robyn was really never honest believing in her own dogma: she never quite respected Alia's decision to marry me...

It was really weird to observed Alia so passionately argue she was living proof of her mother's parenting theories' success, at the same time she showed to be deeply ashamed of her "childish and escapist use of drugs" and she was admitting to be "a very disturbed person" who "has spent years angry, depressed and suicidal". It is yet a bit more perturbing to hear Robyn brag about her parenting. Indeed, when Robyn indoctinated Alia to assume her way was always the right way and she only needed to make a trantum to get her way, Robyn cursed Alia to fail in any relationship she may ever try to establish with any other person, because nobody would ever be ready to put up with her teenage daughter's tantrums for a long enough time. As a matter of fact, throughout her emails, Alia repeatedly admitted she could not help getting mad at me whenever I expressed an opinion conflicting with hers. She was embarrassed about it and pledged to work on it (See Alia's emails Sep. 7 2010, Jan. 9 2011). She was so good that what her mother had never tried to teach her, she was able to figure out by herself.  .

Indeed, Alia was a beautiful soul and  deep inside she was able to realize, the life Robyn had designed for her (a life dragging her mother always around; whereever she went, whatever she did, her mother would always be with her) was not quite the best for her and certainly not what she wanted. Alia has always had the best memories of her childhood. She enjoyed explaining how she was not only a single child, but, for many years, the only grandchild in the family as well. She, therefore, not only had all the love of her mother, but was also the center of attention for the entire family. That was all so wonderful until she reached puberty. Then, as for any other teenager, your parents home and your parents love become way to small and way to little for all what you want in life. As a teenager you are ready to conquer the world and you need the whole world to love you. Alia wanted so badly to be popular, but, fact of the matter was, she was not; she was just one more among millions. Robyn always loved to brag about how cool it was that mother and daughter would get along so well together that they would go out, hang out and party together. However, Robyn has never wanted to understand that no guy would ever want to date a girl, if her mother is constantly sitting next to her. Yeah, it would certainly help the mother to perhaps pick up som naive toyboy, but it would definitely not help the daughter. Alia always complained she had no friends; nobody would ever call her; her childhood friends or her classmates would organize a party, but nobody would call her to invite her. Alia was perceived as an arrogant person (and her emails also transpire a bit of it). Her mother has always told her she is awesome and she is always right, so that it became impossible for Alia not to believe so. Alia wanted everybody to love her and really needed friends, but nobody would ever have any interest in getting close to her, as that space was already completely taken by her mother. When Robyn told her daughter they will always be together, Alia thought she would love to be her mother's center of attention, but she did not realize that what Robyn really wanted is to keep her daughter orbiting around her, for the rest of her life. Robyn, indeed, kept demanding she should also be her daughter's center of attention.

"Robyn is officially a bitch again.  Somehow we reconciled, but now we're back to a stand-off situation where both of us are extremely tense around each other.  It started earlier when she came downstairs after coming home from school.  She walked in while I was considering my packing for the next months, and I was not in an incredibly talkative mood.  This was, obviously, not what she wanted.  She most likely wanted me to ask her endless questions about her day, and listen silently whilst she blabbered on and on.  I did ask how her day was, but just didn't give uninterrupted attention, so I was apparently rude." 

"I've also been trying to organize some sort of birthday surprise for Robyn.  I'm leaving one week before her birthday, and knowing her, there is no excuse for not having some sort of celebration.  I know that bitch would get sour if I didn't do something for her.  There have been many hurdles that I've had to jump, but I think I know what will work." 

Alia certainly loved her mother and wanted Robyn to continue loving her. However, now, as a teenager, she also needed to find some love outside her home. With her mother's support, she started doing drugs as early as 11 years old, hoping that would make her look cool. However, that did not help her popularity and only made her feel like a fool. The drugs affected Alia's mind and mood and, deep inside, she was aware of it. Alia started hating herself and the world around her. As part of all that process, some feeling of resentment and rejection against her mother slowly started growing deep inside her. Alia started thinking what her mother wanted was not really what she wanted. Her mother kept pointing her towards a path of drugs and alcohol but that was definitely not what Alia thought was best for her. As much as she loved her mother, Alia slowly started perceiving Robyn more like an obstacle than of any help in pursuing her goals and dreams in life. That also caused a very big conflict in Alia's mind and heart: now she was starting to hate the very person who had always meant everything to her: her mother. 

As much as at a first glance she seemed an intelligent, healthy, strong and mature girl, deep inside she felt lost in anger and depression. Her life had just begun, but she already felt like a total failure; like her biological father, she started having suicidal thoughts. Alia, however, had quite a few, very important qualities by her side: she was intelligent and had an enormous strength of will. Alia was so good that, against Robyn's misguidance, she was able to figure out by herself what was good for her and was ready to put as much effort as needed to accomplish her goals and dreams.