Breaking Free: The Birth of Monkey and Bunny

 Unfortunately, we did not have much time to celebrate; Alia was going to be out of town for 'Guard School' most of the following week. Then, by the end of that week I had to leave. Robyn used the opportunity of those days Alia was out of town to officially introduce herself as my mother-in-law. Shortly after Alia left, she came downstairs to suggest we go out some day and have some talk to get to know each other. That sounded fine with me. Then she started telling me about herself. Next, she was dancing for me. I was totally confused: she was trying to seduce me. I have always found it insulting; clearly Robyn thinks men are stupid and I am no exception. But I had to be really stupid to, just married, break Alia's heart just for a 'fuck'. It was actually rather pathetic; I loved Alia and I simply had no interest in anybody else. I thought I would not react, because if I did, I could reveal some assumptions and that could eventually be used against me. It worried me, however, to witness how far Robyn was willing to go and the kind of arts she was ready to use to destroy our marriage. Robyn figured out quickly her performance that morning was not going anywhere, so she just told me she was going to pick me up the next afternoonn to go out dinner, then she went back upstairs. It became clear to me I was walking on egg shells and I would always have to watch my back. 

Robyn took me to her favorite bar. We first ordered our food and then she started talking. She laid down her conditions. She went on explaining how it was going to work: she and Alia had a very strong and special relationship and they needed some time together. Alia had to go to graduate school. Afterwards, she would join the Peace Corps. Robyn then waited for me to sign underneath. But I gave her the same kind of confused look as the day before. Robyn got upset and started screaming; I was definitely not the kind of man she needed for Alia. I would not listen. I would not follow directions... I had a mind on my own. I tried to explain, that was all very well, but I needed Alia to tell me. That calmed her down a little. Then, on our way back home, she apologized for screaming at me. She explained her husban committed suicide and she had to raise Alia as a single mother; so she was hoping I would understand where she was coming from. I accepted her apologies, as I wanted to keep it cool; however, in all honesty, I have never quite understood what had to do where she was coming from with she screaming at me. I mean, I played no part in where she was coming from, so I do not know what made her think I should take her abuse. In other words, if life had been hard on her, that does not give her the right to start screaming at the first person she comes across.    

But, in reality, it was much worse than that. In fact, Robyn gave the worst explanation she could have ever thought of, as it exposed something much worse than what she was trying to excuse. Robyn argued she raised Alia as a single mother; but that is a really mean lie. Daniel took the role of Alia's father, since she was four. Robyn got back Alia when she was almost two years old, so Robyn was only a single mother for two years. On the other hand, Daniel as much as he has always been an asshole to me, he always did everything in his hands to make Alia's life better, so it is really mean of Robyn to negate him. Now, I think it bothers me even more that she used her husband's suicide to excuse herself. She was hoping I would take pity on her, because she had lost her husband. However, at the same time, she was saying to Alia, they both might not be alive if she had not left him; he was very unstable and may have snapped.

"Me and my mother may not be here if we had not left him and he had died.  He beat my mother very badly.  He was very unstable.  My mother fears that if we had not left, he may have snapped, and we may not be alive.  I believe she may have been right.  Of course, we can never know how things, "would have been."

It is one or the other; but not both. You are a total hypocrite, if you honestly believe you may have saved your life by leaving your husband; but still use his suicide to try to have people take pity on you. On the other hand, you are quite evil, if you truly miss your daughter's father; but still torment her by telling her all throughout her life, he might have very well kill you both.

When Alia returned the next day, I just told her I had had quite some interesting experience with her mother. We had been separated for a couple of days, we were missing each other and we did not have time to make a drama out of it. We really needed to enjoy our last days together to the fullest. We only had a couple of days before I had to get on my way towards Los Angeles. In L.A. I would have a few days to pack, ship all my old stuff to my new home in Montana, and get ready to leave the country towards Mexico. In order to give us a last weekend together, I suggested we drive to Seattle together, spend one last day there, and then finally part ways. Those last moments together, sitting on the curb outside Alia's friend's house, were really heartbreaking. Reading now how Alia relayed those moments to the immigration officer, really makes me cry. 

"My husband had to leave very soon after we were married, and I was left alone in Montana. I can remember the day I left him in Seattle.  We sat on the curb outside my friends house, not knowing how long it would be until we saw each other again. I could barely stand it as I watched him in the rearview mirror of my car as I drove away. I struggled the next eight hours to make it back to Montana, where I finally broke down and cried." 

We certainly did not know when we were going to see each other again. Once outside the country, I would need to start the application process to get my green card. But Alia first needed to register our marriage with Immigration and get it approved. Alia kept asking how long I thought the whole process may take and we could be together again. I, so hopeful as usual, told her that morning in Seattle, perhaps by Christmas I could be back. Actually, it was not until two and a half years later that I was allowed back in the U.S.

Alia definitely did not want to leave the country with me, because she had that summer a job with the Forest Service and did not want to fail to her responsibility. She most definitely did not want to drop out of college either. However, after my departure, the weeks kept passing and Alia was slowly feeling more and more sad and lonely. The joy and happiness of the privious Spring months together in Missoula, slowly gave way to the old depression. However, now it was even worse, considering the hole I had left in her heart. Alia found herself at a real dead end: I simply was not allowed to return with her. Neither could Alia leave to go with me: her parents were just not going to accept it. But,fact of the matter was, Alia simply could not do it alone in Montana anymore. Alia had to take the hardest decision in her whole life and she did. 

Alia risked everything,,; she followed her heart and broke free. On September 22nd 2010 she left the country to embark with me into an amazing journey, first backpacking all across Central America and later traveling by car all over Europe. When we were in Mexico, Alia liked to imagine we were two little smurfs, traveling around. Then, we will hold each other's hands and start singing as we walked down the streets of Mexico: "We are the little smurfs, tra-la-ra-la-ra. We are the little smurfs, tra-la-ra-la-ra". Later, when we arrived to Europe, one morning, as we were on our way to visit El Escorial in Northern Madrid, Alia came up with the idea we were like a monkey and a bunny traveling together around the world. That day we became 'Monkey and Bunny'. I was a primitive Monkey and she, being a woman, was, of course, the cute Bunny. With that some funny Monkey vs. Bunny rivalry began. I would wave my Monkey pride, while Alia would wave her Rabbit pride. For example, all songs with a "la-la-la" chorus were rabbit songs and Alia would argue they were the best., Whereas all songs with a "ooh-ooh-ooh" chorus were monkey songs and I would swear they were the best. Then, as we went on with our travels, we started characterizing each country by some power animal. So, Spaniards were monkeys (yeah, Alia argued we were so primitive, but it is well established we are the smartest most evolved in the animal kingdom). Norwegians were rabbits, since Alia is of Norwegian origin and they are all so cute and innocent (or so they like to think...). The Swiss are squirrels, since they are always hoarding their nuts for the rough Winter. Germans are bears; they are so big and strong. Japanese are ants, since they are so disciplined and hard-working. Americans are dogs, because of their diversity: some are so friendly and loving, while some others are more severe and aggressive. Portuguese, Italians and Greeks ...well, you know, those PIGS countries... we are all monkeys!! When we were in Slovenia, we stayed with Mateja, she had three rabbits and Alia fell immediately in love with them when she saw them. Alia started joking we should steal them: we should free them and take them with us. Since that day, throughout our adventures and everywhere we went, we always had our little imaginary rabbit friends with us. Eventually, we concluded those little rabbits were some real troublemakers.

Yes, it sounds cute and sweet, but it was not an easy decision in the first place; not at all. The decision of leaving her home was a very difficult one for Alia; one that really tore her heart apart. Against her mother's opinion, against her parents' opinion, Alia left her family and friends, took a leave from college, and, with no knowledge of a single word of Spanish, left her home and her country to embark into a two-years journey overseas with some guy with a visual disability, who she had only met some months earlier. It was difficult, it was a very, very difficult decision. As her emails show, the stress and anxiety on those last days before leaving Montana became truly unbearable for Alia, to the point that she got into a total crisis and was really on the verge of a complete mental break-down. 

From Alia's September 19th, 2010 email to me

'I am a total wreck, and am trying to keep it together for just a couple more days.  It has been a really awful day, and it began before I was even awake.

I was choking.  Awoken by a total inability to breathe.  I had been dreaming of a conversation with my father.  I was speaking with him in anger as Robyn and other relatives observed.  He was angry as well, and we both expressed our anger in turn.  Then, suddenly, Daniel grabs me by the throat, and begins to strangle me.  I have no control over what he is doing.  I am paralyzed and helpless.  Robyn comes over to hold me in her arms as Daniel continues to choke me.  I am running out of time, and know I will not survive.  I awake because the breathlessness of my dream is a reality.  I awake starving for air.

I gasp for breath as my eyes dart wide open.  I remember my dream immediately, and begin to cry.

The frequency of dreams I have regarding my father, is ridiculous.  I curse and cry because of him, both consciously and subconsciously.  We might say, I have father problems." 

From Alia's September 20th, 2010 email to me

"When you tell me that I will not have the time to do any writing, I feel a great shame.  

I feel shame because, if you are correct, I am once again abandoning my responsibilities. 

My vision of what our trip is going to be like is being shattered.  Everyone keeps talking about the turmoil and violence that is going on down there.  You have just told me a story that is frightening, though lucky.  I am leaving my home, my friends, my family, and stepping into a completely unknown future.  I am so scared Javier.

Are you going to keep your wife safe?  Sometimes, I wonder.

Are you going to take her on a trip that will give her too much stress?  I know there will be some, but I don't need to be sleeping on the street, worrying for my life.  

A lot of it depends on how you decide to guide us.  I have a voice too, but you are much smarter than I when it comes to things like this.    

If you are so insistent, then whatever, I will use your computer.  But, I want to write.

You can tell me anything you want to convince me to leave my computer.  I am giving in.

But, you can not tell me to give up the last responsibility I have.  I want to write.  I want to accomplish my goal.  

You have a lot of power over me, and can make me do anything.  Please don't shatter my vision of finishing my writing.  Please don't convince me to let down a lot of people, including myself.

I am having a very difficult time right now.  I am leaving my home, and I have no idea what is in store for me.

I have had my whole life tipped upside-down, and it is finally hitting me.  The last few months, I have been overjoyed by the prospect of our life together.  Gitty thinking about what is in our future.

Now, I've had to postpone dreams, and I have no idea what I am getting into.  I am leaving all of my belongings, my friends and family, and a developing career.  I am still happy about what is to come, but now I have a clearer view of how serious it is.   

I feel like this portion of my letter should be concluded with some statement of me wanting a divorce.  The way the last few lines have progressed it seems only natural.  But, that would be the dumbest thing I could ever do, because you are the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I have been very bad the last couple of weeks.  The proximity of my leave has been driving me crazy, and I've done some things you wouldn't be proud of.  

I have had nightmares the last few nights.  Last night was particularly horrible.  I was in some sort of house, and I woke up, and there was this 'man' in my bed.  It was not really a man, it was some sort of demon, and I rushed from the bed into the kitchen, slamming the door behind me.  

I have constructed a dream world over the last decade, and the downtown I speak of is only marginally like Missoula - and I walked up this dark alley to a whorehouse.  I walked inside the whorehouse, and was watching all these people go up and down the stairs.  After a while, I walked up the stairs to the top, where a woman was standing behind a booth.  A couple of guys and a woman came up behind me, and then the woman convinced the four of us to each pay $80 to have sex with each other.  I remember thinking the whole time, "I shouldn't be doing this."  It seemed very real, and my shame was so real that when I woke up, I though it had actually happened.  

Javier, I know that you have the deepest concern for me, and you want me to be free from harm.  But, I have been so stressed about what you will think of my packing, that I just don't know what to bring anymore.  I almost feel like dumping everything out and just bringing the camping gear.  

The moment we hung up earlier, I cried.  

I don't want this stress anymore.

I don't want any business talk for a while.

I just want to be the woman you love.

Being cared for and caring back.

I wish I could talk with you.  I'm sorry that I wasted so many minutes of our time earlier, but I needed to cool off.  I also needed this time to think.  I hope you can call, though I worry this will not be the case.

Javier, you are the most important person in my life, and I know that when we are back together, everything will be fine.  I am very excited for the next few months, but remember what I have left behind, and allow me to write."  

From Alia's September 21st, 2010 email to me

"I am struggling, and I'm fairly certain you don't give a crap.

I have sacrificed.  I chose to sacrifice.  I am remorseful over the loss of my life.

I have lived here my whole life, and I am leaving it for an uncertain amount of time.  I am fearful, and I just wish you would have sympathy for that. 

I am leaving the life I made behind.  I know we will create our own, but I am still sad. 

I am stressed.  I feel like I need to please people, and the one person I want to please the most is you.

I am totally lost.  I have no idea what I am doing.  Sometimes I even regret the decision to go down to Mexico with you.  Sometimes, I have second thoughts about the decision to leave school. 

Yes, we are doing something really cool.  But, can't you have a little sympathy for the fact that I've had to make some difficult decisions.

ALL I WANT IS YOUR FUCKING SYMPATHY!

I honestly just don't know what to do. 

I have recently been having thoughts of killing myself, and haven't thought those things in months.  This has just been too much. 

I wish you weren't so fucking stubborn.

I wish you could talk to me.  It makes me feel like shit to know that you don't think you can tell me things.  What the hell is the point of us being together.

Am I good enough for you Javier?

Or, do you need someone you can actually talk to.

I really hate myself right now."

From Alia's September 21st, 2010 email to me

"I know I'm crazy.  I really feel like if you had known how crazy I am, you wouldn't have married me. 

I just need to be assured that you still love me. 

I don't love myself. 

I'm sorry if I get frustrated when you tell me things.  Many times, it's because I feel insulted.  I don't deserve you Javier.

I wish I could express how awful I feel. How inadequate.  I feel like a total failure, to myself, to you, to my family. 

I keep thinking about the crazy woman you know up in the Flathead.  I feel like her.  I feel like you see me as her.  Crazy and irrational.

Why do you love me?"

It really breaks my heart to now remember Alia's words and then read Robyn giving herself airs talking about what kind of an "awesome" mother she has always been. How, as a young woman, she sacrificed living in Seattle and the "awesome" job at Princess she had there, to return to Missoula and make her single child "the center of her parental focus".

how she did everything possible to raise Alia (supposedly as a single mom) in a healthy environment, filled with opportunities and positive parenting ; giving her "age-appropriate choices at early ages", leading Alia to become a mature and intelligent woman. Robyn claims she instilled Alia strong family values; but she actually never even allowed Daniel to be Alia's 'Dad', even when he lived with them since Alia was 4 until Robyn dumped him, when Alia was 14 (that was also the time Robyn voluntarily checked-in into a mental health clinic). Unlike Robyn, Daniel actually did something to try to persuade Alia from starting doing drugs or dropping out of school.   

Robyn would go on and on with her dissertation on how her awesome parenting empowered Alia; however, if ever asked to confirm this was the conclusion to be extracted, she would hypocritically deny she deserved any credit for Alia being so mature and intelligent. Robyn detailed to Alia her sacrifices as a young woman and, when Alia complained to have that put on her, Robyn hypocritically argued: "Oh!, no!, no!, I was not putting on you giving up my job at Princess in Seattle". During an argument in late 2014, just a few months before leaving for Africa, Alia complained Robyn would always try to stop her from going on with her own life. Then Robyn hypocritically argued: "Oh no!, I have always wanted you to fly away. In fact it was me who give you wings to fly away, and I want you to use the wings I gave you to fly away! So, please, use the wings I gave you to fly away!"

Back in early September 2010, just a couple of weeks before leaving her home to join me in Mexico, for our two-years journey across Central America and Europe, Alia wrote me: "[Alia running away with me] will tear my mother's heart apart as she attempts to fill the whole left by her grown child", but Alia did not yet know how bad it was going to get for her. Indeed, Robyn had been able to create an incredibly strong bond between mother and child, and she had also been able to keep Alia bound to her childhood. Alia was in love with me, but she absolutely loved her mother: as those emails of mid-September 2010 show, it really tore Alia's heart apart to break free, but she still did it, because she knew she had to do it. Because she wanted to have her own life, she was eager to start a life on her own and start fighting for herself. Fact of the matter is we both knew it was the time of our lives: it was now or never. We both knew we were to each other the person we have been waiting for all our lives. We knew we would find obstacles, struggles and difficulties. We both knew we would have bad times, but we were both ready to work together and overcome our differences  

For the next two years we traveled across the Norwegian Fjords, the Swiss Alps, the Greek Islands, the Caribbean, Mexico, Spain, Portugal, Croatia, Costa Rica, Romania, Sicily, Halkidiki, the Massif Central, Lake Atitlan, Tuscany, the Peloponnes... We went to Vienna, Venice, Istanbul, Cancun, Salzburg, Prague, Antigua, Matera, Guanajuato,

Budapest, Amsterdam, Florence, Dibrovnik, Seville... We saw the Eiffel Tower, Yedi Goeller, Chichen Itza, Tikal, Palenque, the Leaning Tower of Pisa, the Sistine Chapel, the Berlin Wall, the Parthenon, the Louvre, the Rome Colisseum, the Alhambra Palace, Cappadocia, Pompey, Notre Dame, the Uffizi Museum, the Mosque-Cathedral of Cordoba, etc. etc. etc.

We certainly had difficult times. Travels are stressful and Robyn's terrible parenting had not been in vain and so Alia's wild spirit of adolescence was still very much alive; but we were both ready to work and determined to succeed in our marriage, and we made it, we succeded!