Alia got conquered and collapsed

 Alia got conquered and collapsed

We were indeed the happiest couple ever; as happy as anybody can be. We had all what anybody can wish in life and were having the time of our lives when we reached Cape Town, after the most awesome adventure crossing all Africa on our beautiful 1974 Land Rover Series III. We were really on top of the world: we had made it! 

South Africa is a fairly developed country and, after all the scarcety during the previous months in 'Black Africa', we were finally going to be able to find the skills and technology to put our Land Rover back together and get fully equipped, to continue our journey back North across Eastern Africa. I wanted to buy a 12V car freezer, a real freezer, to keep our food fresh and healthy. Alia had chosen a rooftop tent, to save us work in the evenings, setting up our bed , to sleep in the car. Our travels were only going to get even better!

We just needed to get a roof rack for our car, so that we could mount the rooftop tent on top. David at Roverland referred us to some mechanic he knew: "long hair, smokes like a chimney, i.e. Gary Rhenda." Gary gave us the most friendly welcome ("you can check-in anytime you want; but you can never leave..."). He seemed very cool and friendly. He said to be inspired by our journey and eager to help. But he did not feel to do the work. He explained he did not work for the money, but for the joy of it. He would so be happy to teach us and let us use his tools and equipment, but we would have to build the roof rack ourselves. Gary was obviously thinking in Alia, since my visual impairment would not allow me to solder or grind. He was, however, thinking in Alia deeper than what we could then imagine. Those first days at Gary's workshop he told us how, as a little child he liked to say, when he grew up he would want to be a 'gigolo'. It was funny and we laughed, but it was no joke: we were soon going to learn the hard way, Gary was the kind of cassanova playboy who enjoys conquering women just to feed his macho ego. As a matter of fact the stickers on his car's windshield already advertised him as a disgusting womanizer: "So many women!, so little time!", "virginity?, don't worry, thereis a cure". However, I thought I had no reason to worry: Gary was 56 (30 years older than Alia), was on his third marriage, had two married sons and was a total cynical with absolutely no interest in starting over a new life with a new woman. If he had any hope conquering Alia, it would be just pathetic, because Alia was way smarter than that.     

God knows how Alia fell for a womanizer like that, but, fact of the matter is she completely surrendered to his sweet words of poison and helplessly fell in love with him. I guess he knew his arts pretty well. He made also sure to use my visual disability to open a crack in Alia's heart: "Oh, you are so awesome, you deserve so much more than that useless blind guy." When I first met Alia, I thought she was very mature, but soon I came to realize it was rather the opposite. She kept telling me she had mental issues, but I rather thought she had been spoiled and was very immature. Fact of the matter is, since Alia was a baby her mother has played these psychological tricks on her. Since she was a baby, Robyn has been tormenting and indoctrinating Alia to engrain in her the conviction she should never stop being a child and mother and child should stay together forever. Robyn went as far as doing drugs and getting drunk together with her child. to bind Alia to her. As a result, Alia is not only very immature, but also mentally very fragile and vulnerable. These days I feel really sorry, back in South Africa, I did not have a better understanding of Alia's special circumstances and all what she was coming from. It is not like Alia had not warned me about them, but it had been at the beginning of our relationship; several years earlier. It is also very difficult to remain cold and reason, when you are being betrayed and get hurt so deeply. It is certainly much easier years later, after I have carefully gone through all of Alia's emails over and over again. Now it just breaks my heart and makes me break down in tears to read Alia's emails and think all what asshole Gary, sick Robyn and the stupid, evil judges have done to us.

On February 19th 2016, Alia got up and immediately disappeared from the workshop where we were staying. I tried to look around for her, but she was nowhere to be found. I could not understand why she had left without saying anything. I was fearing she hag gone to see Gary. From the very first day we met Gary, it had been rather obvious Alia liked him. But that was nothing really uncommon. Throughout all the time we had been together, throughout all our travels, we had come across many, many men, and there had been many instances where Alia seemed to like the guy. I can even think of cases where it really seemed Alia felt some attraction to the guy (for example, Ivan in Tepoz or Marko in Banja Luka). However, I never felt threaten or found any reason to worry. One thing was that she may have felt attracted to some guy; something totally different is she would ever give up her marriage for some guy she had met the day before. Gary was a heavy smoker and he would constantly take smoke breaks. He would then go check on Alia, see how she was doing working on the car. It was so often that Gary and Alia would spend quite some time chatting, instead of actually working on the car. He enjoyed telling her stories (like, for example, about the time he served in the war in Angola) and she loved listening to those stories. It turned out he was all that time seducing Alia, it all happened right before my eyes and nose; but I never did or said anything about it. The reason being I thought I would be a jerk if I would feel jealous and go and give them shit for not being focused on the car, but spending time chatting. The way I saw it back then, Gary was helping us, we were getting our Land Rover fixed up, and it was totally alright that they would try to have a good time while doing so. I do not think it had done me any good, if I had felt jealous just because they were getting well along; that had only led Alia to conclude, I was an asshole. It is true, however, that as time passed, I was getting increasingly worried. I could not see how often they would text each other, but Alia kept telling me and commenting on their conversations via SMS. Fact of the matter is that, during those last weeks of our marriage, Alia was constantly talking about Gary. Then, those last days before she broke up with me, she was particularly mean and rude to me. So, when she disappeared that morning of February 19th, the first thought that came to my mind was that she may have gone see Gary: during those last days, I had been fearing Alia's feelings towards Gary were getting out of control.

After a couple of hours waiting, I thought I would ask Andre (Gary's business partner) to call Alia with his phone. There was, however, no answer. Shortly after noon, as usual, Gary arrived at the workshop. I asked him if he knew anything about Alia. He replied he did not. I told him she was missing since early that morning and I was worried for her. I explained I had tried to call her; but there had been no answer. I was concerned something may had happened to her. Gary said not to worry; if there had been an accident, they would immediately contact the numbers in her call log. That sounded like a suspiciously 'sophisticated' answer... The work day came to an end and everybody had left; but Alia was still nowhere to be seen. Finally, at sunset, somebody pounded on the gate: it was Alia. I asked her where she had been. She then dropped the bomb: "Javier, I am going to leave you, because I am sick of dragging you around the supermarkets."

That left me in shock. During the day, I had thought and was ready to tell her off for cheating on me like that. I could not believe Alia had been so stupid to hurt our marriage for some guy we had just met one month ago. But Alia's actual explanation caught me completely off-guard. I was not prepared to hear and argue against a reference to my visual disability. So, I was only able to acknowledge Alia's words. Alia prompted me to say something about it; but I did not know what to say. Alia insisted asking what is what I had to say about it. But I tried to explain, I did not understand what is what she was expecting me to say: she had just told me she was going to leave me because she was sick of the burden my disability represented on her, and I just did not see how it was that I could argue anything against that. I understood, regardless of whether I thought it was right or wrong, there was nothing I could do to change the way she felt about my disability. It was even more clear there was nothing I could do to make my disability disappear. So, I insisted I did not have anything to say; I did not know what is that she expected me to say. Alia finally accepted my answer and shortly later I could see her crying. That one really left me baffled: I actually felt a mix of annoyance and bewilderness. I did not understand. This was really stupid. What was wrong with her? She had just admitted to be sick of me and, so, was now getting rid of me. She should feel relieved, if not happy, about it. I was the one being dumped;  if anybody, it should be me who feels devastated. Fact of the matter is, however, Alia kept crying all through the evening. As annoying and stupid as it seemed to me back then, I need to admit, these days I see it from a totally different perspective. At the beginning of our relationship, Alia gave me this advice and recipe on how to treat her and deal with her sudden changes of mood. Alia explained to me she sometimes goes through periods of intense anger and can then be really mean. According to her recipe, during those streaks of anger, my reaction would need to be to hug her, kiss her and tell her I love her. She complained her previous boyfriend would see her angry and depressed and run away to go play with his friends. She argued that would not help; but would make her even more depressed and angry. When I read that in those first emails of her, I found it really weird and, obviously, got a bit concerned; so, she thought it was OK for her to be an asshole to me , but I would have to take the blame for not responding to her wrath with hugs, kisses and love? Yet, as wrong as it seemed, these days I sometimes feel tempted to be remorseful for not following that recipe that evening at Gary's workshop. In reality I know it had not worked anyway, because the recipe definitely does not make any sense.

However, fact of the matter is, that was our very last night together. Yes, it is really shocking to me, if I had been told that morning or even that evening, when Alia had just broken up with me, that we were about to spend our very last night together, I had simply been totally uncapable of believing it. After six very intense years of marriage, where, except for a couple of months in 2010 and 2012, we had been together, side-by-side, 24/7/365, where Alia would really struggle if we ever were apart for just a bunch of hours, it was impossible to even imagine everything was going to die, altogether, all of a sudden, that night. It is like something supernatural happened that night that sucked Alia out of this world and throw her into infinite darkness. Of course it was not something that just took place that night; rather, it had been cooking for a long time: Gary had been working on it for the last several weeks, Robyn had been planning it for many years. For example, three months earlier, during that argument in IONA National Park, Alia was throwing rocks at me. I could not believe it: it was so childish! Everytime she threw a rock at me, I would scream at her she was a five-year-old child. But that would only fire her up even more and she would respond throwing a couple of more rocks. Alia had long tried to teach me, whenever she annoyed me somehow, the best way for me to handle it would be to suck it up. That would be the only way she would stop. Whereas, if I ever protested, that would only fire her up and she would respond doubling the dosis, annoying me once again, even more. I always told Alia, that would not work with me; I would never accept being trained like that. Rather, she would have to grow it out. That left Alia confused, disappointed and frightened: that recipe had always worked with her mother. Indeed, that is exactly what I mean when I say Robyn cursed Alia to fail in any relationship she could ever try to start with any other person than her mother. Robyn engrained in her daughter the idea she was awesome, she was beautiful and there was absolutely nothing wrong in her. The affidavits Robyn wrote for Immigration really talk for themselves (...); if anybody ever did not like something about her daughter, it would be the world who needed to change, never her daughter. Of course, unfortunately, the world never seems to want to change for us. We rather figure out how to adjust to the world, if we ever want to fit in. But Alia was in fact so good that she figured all that out by herself, fought fiercely for her dreams and broke free. Alia realized she was not really perfect; as a matter of fact, she had very big insecurities. Moreover, Alia tried hard to become the best person she could be. Alia fought fiercely to succeed in her marriage. Unavoidably, sometimes she would get mad at me for the most stupid reason. Then she would hurt me, but immediately afterwards she would feel horrible. During those weeks of early 2011 where we stayed with my parents, one day we could not find Alia anywhere, until my mother finally found her lying on the floor, crying behind a bed. We had just had an argument for some stupid reason: I think it was because I told her one of my former roommates was gay. As her emails show, Alia felt horrible for having hurt me and pledged to herself to be better. I remember the look in her eyes all those times she was feeling horrible for starting and exarcerbating a fight and consequently hurting our marriage. I remember, for example, the look in her eyes at some gas station in Southern France, on the last day of our one-year journey around Europe. We had had to give up visiting beautiful Gorgedu Verdon and had to rush through French toll roads to get to Madrid on time for my final green card interview, because, the previous day, we had lost the whole morning over the most stupid argument. Alia felt horrible and pledged to herself to be better. And she certainly did; Alia became the best wife I could have ever dremed of. Alia broke free, escaped from Robyn's curse and triumphed. We lived six womderful years together. 

It then really breaks my hard to think Alia was captured that night at Gary's workshop and sent back to Hell. It turns out our triumph had only been temporary. The fight never ends; I guess life is a fight in itself, from beginning to end. After all Alia had only been all that time running away. But Alia's curse chase her down all the way into Cape Town and ambushedher in Gary's workshop. That Friday night of February 19th, Alia was finally captured and sent back to Hell. It was like some evil demon came from Hell to bring her back there. It all happened right before my eyes and nose; but I never did anything. Alia kept asking what did I have to say about her resolution; but I did not have anything to say. Alia then started crying; but I still did not do anything. Alia kept crying all through the evening, until everything was again quiet the next morning. I did not realize it back then, but the next morning Alia was not with me anymore; she was gone.        

The next day went by like nothing had happened. Several days earlier we had taken our Land Rover's gearbox out. That is, Alia had taken our Land Rover's gearbox out, so that we could fix a leak in the transfer box. Now that Alia had decided to break up with me, her plan was to finish the job, put the gearbox back in, and once she was done with it and the car was running again she would fly back to Montana.   

The day went by business as usual, until night fell again. It was time to start making dinner and, after what Alia had told me the day before, I thought I would fix my own dinner to make clear I did not need anybody to take care of me, cook for me or drag me around the supermarkets. Going back and forth between the kitchen and our portable freezer, I cross my way with Alia and noticed she was also starting to make dinner for both of us. I therefore told her she did not need to bother cooking for me. Surprisingly, Alia got upset with that. She fumed for a minute and then told me, if I did not want her to fix dinner for us, then she was going to go spend the night with Gary (...and Monica). "Holy shit!!" I got completely shocked. "...What about Monica?", I asked. Monica had been Gary's partner for the previous five years, and I could not think how she would see that he would bring a girlfriend over... Alia's answer shocked me even deeper. She explained it had actually been Monica who had suggested she stay over with them. I just could not believe that was really happening. It turned out Alia had lied to me the day before. It turned out there was something more to it than being sick of dragging me around the supermarkets. It turned out, as I had been fearing, there was something between Alia and Gary. It turned out Monica was stupid; she had not got a clue or, even worse, did not care. It turned out Alia had not gone the day before to the beach to think over our marriage, as she had told me, but she had first gone to visit Gary at his house. She was now explaining she needed to talk to some friend for advice. Yeah right, she asked the fox to guard the hen house. Actually, more precisely, the hen left the hen house to visit the fox, looking for shelter. It turned out Alia told them a whole bunch of lies about our argument in Iona NP, so that she and Gary could justify her visit to Gary and Monica was so stupid that she bought them all.

It really hurt me more than what I can express with words to learn that Alia was going to spend the night, and from then on stay, with her lover. It was not just that she was cheating on me; but she was even rubbing it on my face. It was not just that Alia was betraying me, but I was being left to rot in the filthy workshop, while Alia was having fun at Gary and Monica's nice and comfortable house. I really do not think there could be anything more humiliating and hurtful. Then, I have to hear some asshole judges say Alia met her burden of proof showing she left me because I had been brutally beating her up on a regular basis... But, yeah... it is so comforting to know the people who rule us are so feminist and have such good understanding, that women are little angels that come from Heaven.

I could not believe Alia could be so evil. It was like she was a different person. It was not Alia, it was Mr. Hyde. I tried to say something to bring her back to her senses. It was, however, all hopeless. I did not realize it back then, but Alia was totally enamored with Gary and all what she could think of was to be with him. Still today it is all so disgusting to think about. I complained she had lied like that about us. I asked her to think twice what she was doing: blowing up our marriage for some stupid, adolescent thrill. She coldly replied: I know I am being an asshole; but we both know this has something to do with your eyes". She also argued: "If you think you have no part in our marriage's failure,  you are as wrong as I am." What kind of non-sense was that?? If, by any chance, I had thought I had no part in our marriage's failure, that had only made me an arrogant jerk and could not be compared with what she was doing. On the other hand, just because I had not been perfect and had also had some part in our marriage's failure, that would still not justify all what she was doing. But, of course, at that moment, I did not had the time nor the energy to elaborate on a fine argument to dismantle such a big pile of stupid, adolescent bullshit. I so insisted pointing out her bad judgement. For so many years I had heard Alia critisizing her mother; explaining how her mother was so immature that, one day she would fall in love and say her new boyfriend is the most wonderful man and shortly after, at the first difficulty, she would dump him complaining he would not treat her right. One day she would start a new job and come back home after her first day, saying she absolutely loves her job, and, shortly after, at the first difficulty, she would quit, complaining at work they are bitches and are very mean to her... I pointed out to Alia, she was now doing all what she had always critisized about her mother. Alia, however, argued if she was Robyn's daughter, nobody should get surprised she was like Robyn.

It was clear Alia was not going to attend to any kind of moral or ethical arguments. She was like a selfish teenager, completely driven by her hormones. It seemed to me my only hope was to appeal to her selfish interests. I asked her what was her plan. We had thought we would move to Hawaii once we ffinish our travels. We wanted to build a family... Now that she was blowing all up, I was wondering what was she planning on doing, when she arrive back in Montana; how, for example, she was planning on paying her student loans. Alia blatantly answered not to worry about her; it was not my problem. 

Alia was blinded by love. Although I had some insight, I could not imagine to what extend all what she could think of is to be with Gary. Alia then asked me for Gary's car's keys. Gary, always so determined to conquer Alia's heart, had offered we use one of his cars, while we fix our Land Rover's transfer box. Earlier that day I had asked for those keys, so that I could get something I had forgotten inside; but now Alia needed them back. I thought for a second what to do. I was aware I was supposed to surrender some keys that did not belong to me; but I definitely did not want to submissively cooperate with Alia's humiliation to me. My bad demon's reasoning seemed more powerful to me and I told Alia I was not going to give her the keys. Unfortunately, my bad demon's triumph was only partial and temporary; I will always regret my good demon was finally able to convince me that retaining somebody else's property could not only put me on the wrong side of the argument, but also lead to an escalation of the conflict that, eventually, could bring about some rather undesireable consequences.    

I so told Alia I was not going to help her do that to me and, therefore, was not going to give her the keys; but she could always call Gary and ask him to come pick her up. I certainly chose the worst time in my life to run out of courage and take the cautious, but contradicting and, in the end, self-defeating way out. Probably I think too much about it. Probably Alia had come up herself with the idea of calling Gary anyway; but I will always find it difficult to understand, why I hinted her on that, if I thought I should not help her being an asshole to me.     

Alia did not think twice and immediately disappeared to call Gary. My head was boiling trying to figure out the best course of action. Now that I could expect Gary was going to come to pick Alia up, I thought I would go outside and wait for him. I thought at least I wanted to look him in the eyes and tell him something. Perhaps that is why I hinted Alia on calling Gary to have him come. However, clearly, they were able to see that coming and were going to make everything possible to avoid it. They agreed Gary was not going to drive all the way into the workshop, but they were going to meet somewhere nearby. After a while, Alia, who had until then been patiently waiting inside, finally came out of the workshop . I could have guessed she was actually leaving to meet her lover; but it was not really that obvious. Cape Town is the kind of very dangerous city that no woman (or man) would normally want to walk out to the street alone in complete darkness ...unless she were a prostitute. I feel really sad to say that is the thought that went through my mind, when I saw Alia walking out to the street into the dark. I could not believe Alia was degrading herself to such degree; the thought of Gary - this 56-year old man, hiding around the corner, waiting for his 26-year old prey - was and still is so disgusting. I could have followed Alia, but it actually took me a while to realize what was going on. There was no time to think things over and I really do not like to act instinctively. In all honesty, I do not believe it had served any good purpose anyway. 

I actually remained outside for quite a while longer, until I concluded Alia was not coming back and had, indeed, left to meet Gary. Nothing was going to happen and I had to go back inside to make something to eat. I was heartbroken. Without a doubt, that night was one of the worst in my life. The image of Alia disappearing into the night was and still is devastating. If I had lost Alia spiritually and emotionally the night before, that she would not stop crying; now, it was becoming clear to me I had lost her physically. If I had not realized it the night before, now I could see it with my own eyes. The image of Alia disappearing into the dark was just the physical materialization of what had happened the night before. 

That night at Gary's workshop my whole world was crumbling down. All what had been the most fundamental aim of my life was all of a sudden falling apart. Coincidentally, those days the radio kept playing Lukas Graham worldwide sweeping hit: "7 years". The song's verses sounded over and over again in my head: "Once I was 7 years old, my mama told me, go make yourself some friends or you'll be lonely. Once I was 11 years old, my daddy told me, go get yourself a wife or you'll be lonely". Somehow I have always felt my life would have to follow those lines or it would never be complete: make friends, find a wife, build a family and transmit all what I had learned to the future generations. As a matter of fact, 10 years earlier, right after completing my Ph.D., as happy as I was with my academic achievement, I was seriously concerned that I was critically falling behind on the most fundamental end: I had no social life. Nobody had any doubt, that was the time to harvest and secure a good post-doc position, after such great work and immense effort in graduate school. I was however so stressed thinking that the time was ticking and I did not want to wait to be in my forties to start looking for a girlfriend; that I was ready to allow all that blood, sweat and tears as a graduate student go to waste and ruin my Ph.D. work. As soon as I realized that if I kept prioritizing my professional career, it would put me again a few more years off, I finally decided to for once place my life front and center; I finally refrained from sealing my soul's sale to the system. Consequently, I set my mind on the biggest and most ambitious adventure I had so far conceived: I was going to bicycle-tour all over the Western U.S. and visit Yosemite NP, Yellowstone NP, Glacier NP, etc. Back then it seemed like the kind of project that I would keep all through my life dreaming with; but would never gather enough courage to actually make it happen. Yet, I did it! Not only did I do it, but I could have never thought I would achieve my ultimate fantasy: I met Alia, she fell in love with me and we spent six wonderful years together. We had just completed the most amazing adventure crossing all Africa on our Land Rover. Yet, tonight I was alone in that dark, filthy workshop, Alia had just left with asshole Gary and all her love was gone. She did not care the tiniest bit for me anymore. All of a sudden, I had lost everything I had worked so hard for in all of my life. I was back in the starting box; but I was not 7 years old anymore. What was I going to make of my life now?

Alia's take-off was so a wake-up call for me. Until then I had just thought Alia was just being stupid and, sooner or later she would figure things out. I was not sure to what extend it was that Alia was fascinated with Gary or it was that she was frustrated with my disability; but it seemed to me a very likely explanation was that Gary, in his seduction game had used my disability to open a crack between Alia and me. At that point, it was clear to me Gary had been trying to conquer Alia and had determined that, in order to have Alia fall in love with him, he would also first need to destroy Alia's love for me. My visual disability was then such an obvious weakness of mine that he was not going to miss to attack. Now, I was already fairly aware of all that and, I could not say anything that had happened those last two days had substantially changed my views of what was going on; but what I had been completely missing all that time is that Alia would simply never get a clue Gary was only playing with her. That Gary had absolutely no interest in starting a new relationship with Alia and was totally fake was so obvious that I could have never imagined Alia would simply not figure it out. While there was no doubt in my mind Alia was being stupid, where I had all along been dead wrong was that she would figure it out before too late. I guess the key issue I had been missing and would still not be able to fully comprehend for the many months to come, was that it was simply not a matter of Alia's intelligence; but Alia simply could not help completely falling in love. Alia, indeed, never chose to fall in love. Yes, I do think she can be blamed for accepting to play the game of love, but, so to say, that was the last thing she remembers (...before entering that state of stupidity). Fact of the matter is Alia had already lost the game even before it started; because there was never any chance Alia could win that game. Alia was under Gary's spell from the very beginning. As she explained in a love letter she wrote, she became totally infatuated with that disgusting asshole from the very beginning. For all those weeks we were at gary's workshop, she was on this foolish quest trying to conquer him; when all what was happening was that the asshole was slowly sedating and subduing her until she would be ready to be gobbled down and discarded. I could say I regret Alia never asked for help; but I would fail to understand she never could, because, from the very beginning, she was not in control anymore; Gary was. As a matter of fact, Alia was well aware what kind of asshole Gary is. It was, in fact, Alia who told me about the stickers on Gary's car's windshield, advertising him as the disgusting womanizer he is: "so many women, so little time", "virginity?,don't worry, there is a cure". As a matter of fact, Alia had to explain to me what was a womanizer! Alia knew she was sliding down the cliff; but could not do anything to stop. It was like she had been bewitched; she was helplessly in love. What really breaks my heart is to think Alia never had the courage, the honesty or the heart to tell me she was breaking up with me, because she was in love with Gary. I really believe that had sufficed. I really believe that had made a significant difference. I really believe if she had told me she was in love with Gary, I had been able to put our marriage under life support and revive it from there. However, she has always denied falling in love with Gary and it was only until two years later that I found her love letter and became fully aware. I have always wondered if  she perhaps actually wrote that letter for me. I have always wondered why did she write that letter, but never gave it to Gary and left it instead in my backpack. Perhaps she wrote that letter and left it in my backpack, as the only way she could see to let me know. It is, however, also quite possible that she just left the letter there, because she just never found enough courage to gave it to Gary.

That first night alone at Gary's workshop, all what I thought I new was that Alia was totally fascinated with Gary and, compared to him, I now looked so small and worthless to her. I thought, somehow I needed to open her eyes, because, clearly, she was otherwise not going to figure it out by herself. If the night before (when she informed me, she was going to leave me, because she was sick of dragging me around the supermarkets) I had told her I did not have anything to say, because I did not know what was that I could say; now, it had become clear I better figure out something to say to her, or I was going to lose her forever. So, when she came back to the workshop with Gary the next day, as soon as I saw her, I asked her if we could talk. I have always felt intrigued, why she seemed to agree that was the right thing to do and even appeared as she liked I suggested it. I have many times thought, it was like perhaps, deep inside, she was hoping I would be able to get her out of the hole she had got herself into. It was like, deep inside, she had one last hope Monkey would still be able to save Bunny. Unfortunately, at that time, I was missing the critical issue that Alia was helplessly in love. So, I thought I had to reason and explain to her she was being stupid. Now it is fairly clear to me it was to no avail, because, deep inside, Alia was probably already aware of it; she just could not help it. These days it is fairly clear to me it had been of better help - what Alia probably needed  was - love and understanding. These days it is easy to conclude, it had been better if I had told Alia, she was being stupid, but I loved her and I would still be there for her, whenever she got out of her stupidity, to continue loving her. At that time, however, betrayed as I had been, heartbroken as I was, it was not reasonable to expect me to say anything like that, and I did not; what I was about to tell her was actually closer to the opposite.

I suggested we go to some beach to have the best atmosphere possible to talk. Alia was cool with the idea and drove us to the closest beach. From our discussion the night before, I had been thinking, if Alia was going to blame me for our marriage's failure, even if it was only partly, at the very least she needed to point out and explicate what is that I had done wrong. So, I did not have to think much to know where to start . In response, Alia only came up with three really ridiculous instances, particularly the first two, where she argued I had been wrong. The first referred to a day, a couple of weeks earlier, where I offered to cut her a slice of watermelon. However, by the time I brought her the slice, she had already gone outside to work on the car. So, I waited there for a few minutes, standing under the sun with the watermelon in my hand, until she would come out from underneath the car. However, as that did not make a whole lot of sense to me, I decided to go back inside and eat myself that slice; thinking that I would just cut Alia another one whenever she would be ready. However, when she came inside and saw me finishing her watermelon, she got seriously upset.

In her second complaint, Alia argued, during those weeks at the workshop, I would never help prep'ing or cooking dinner. That was, however, not true. I had actually offered help many times; but she would simply not accept it saying: "don't worry sweetie, I really do not mind at all, I can do it while I am watching this show anyway". I could have insisted as much as I wanted, but she would simply not accept my help.

The third example was a bit more meaningful, as it referred to our argument in Iona NP. However, I really do not think there was anything really wrong in anything I did in Iona. In Iona Alia was being stupid and there was not much I could do about it. Alia herself admitted she had been an asshole; although I would rather say she was simply stupid. However, Alia argued she had already told me at the beginning of our relationship, whenever she would be an asshole, I had to hug her and tell her I love her. But, I pointed out, "I actually did!!" She, however, insisted I did it too late. But that is not true either. In any case, I never beat her up, kick her in the kidneys or anything similar, like she would start alleging years later.

   

At that time it was becoming clear to me we were not getting anywhere; as the problem was simply not in whatever I had done wrong. I, therefore, started to try to talk some sense to Alia; try to explain her she was being stupid.

I asked her what was there between her and Gary; did she love him? She answered> "No". She explained she liked him; but was just a good friend. "Friend...", she said. Well, we all know that in this kind of situations the concept of 'friendship' usually receives some really broad meaning. In this kind of situations, where one of the parties is in love, but the other is only playing, the one who is playing usually finds it useful to offer some beautiful friendship, which the other party, the one in love, will not be able to reject, despite of how heartbreaking it is going to be, in order to avoid a total dismissal and defeat. I, therefore, tried to investigate a bit more to what extend Alia was being honest to herself describing Gary as a "good friend", and asked her how far had they gone in their signs of affection. I did not find it useful to ask about sex; but, for example, wanted to know if they had kissed each other. Alia answered again: "No". They had only hugged. That to me seemed enough to confirm, she indeed loved him. The image, again, of Alia lovingly hugging that asshole and him faking some care, with his arms around her, pretending he is trying to comfort her, after he had just intentionally and designingly broken her heart in pieces... is simply revolting. I could not understand how Alia was not able to see she was being stupid. I told Alia if she could not see Gary had something to do with her decision to break up our marriage, she was more blind than what I was. Then, Alia's shocking reply was> "I know I am a fool!". Still to this day I cannot believe I did not catch on that one. If I had ever hoped to get an opportunity to open a crack from where to spark any reaction in Alia that could have any chance to stop her dive into emptiness, that was it. Not only Alia seemed to be aware she was being carried away by some foolish thrill, but it seemed she was even inviting me to inquire about it. It certainly stroke me to hear Alia admit she was a fool. I remained there for a couple of seconds processing that input; but finally let it drift away and will forever hate myself for it. I cannot believe I did not, at the very least, ask her what she meant; why did she think she was being a fool. I knew Alia well and I was very well aware she had this adolescent way of arguing, where she would never admit being wrong, even when she knew it. I think I simplyh assumed that would be again the case. She may have conceded she was being a fool for falling in love with some playboy who did not care for her; but it was very unlikely she was going to admit she had decided to give up our marriage just because she had fallen in love. While the former referred to her feelings (which she could not control), the latter involved her judgement. From the way Robyn had raised Alia, she hated and could never tolerate having her intelligence questioned. All this really deep and thoughtful analysis is, however, completely futile. Fact of the matter was our marriage was in life support and I needed to do something to bring it back to life. At that point, I certainly could not expect it would be easy. Undoubtedly, it had already been an enormous step forward, if Alia had admitted she had fallen in love with Gary. I have no excuse, since I have always complained Alia never had the courage, the honesty or the heart to tell me she had fallen in love with Gary. I truly believe it had been much easier to manage and steer our marriage out of that crisis, if I had had some good understanding Alia was in love. I think, at the very least, I had been less likely to make some mistakes managing the crisis. It is then unforgivable I did not, at the very least, ask her what she meant; why did she think she was being a fool.

The key issue I will never know, however, is why Alia still decided to give up our marriage, even after she had found out Gary had no plan to start a relationship with her. It turns out, the previous Friday, when Alia told me she was going to leave me because she was sick of dragging me around the supermarkets, she had first gone in the morning to talk to Gary at his home (knowing Monica would be at work). Supposedly, it was only later, sometime in the afternoon, that she went to some beach to think about what to do with her marriage. It seems like asshole Gary had gain such total control over Alia's mind, that he had even been able to convince her I was so completely useless that our marriage was not worth keeping. It is, however, very difficult to make hypothesis, because Alia was a total mess. It seems like Gary had brought Alia back to the worst of her adolescent years: to the anger, the depression and the self-loathing and suicidal thoughts. From our discussion the previous day, it had become clear to me Alia was not going to take pity on me and she was not going to change her decision based on any concern for me. Instead I needed to make her reflect on the consequences her decision was going to have on her own life. We were looking ahead for the best part of our travels across Africa. We were even starting to dream continuing our adventures into Asia. Afterwards, we were going to move to Hawaii, because Alia loves the beach. I knew well how much Alia has always dreamed with the day she would build a family with "many beautiful, and intelligent children". Alia just loves children! She had work so hard and was so close to all that; I just could not understand how she was, all of a sudden, ready to give it altogether up. Alia looked down and said: "I don't deserve to have children". I tried to explain to her that was false and did not make any sense. But Alia's statement was truly heartbreaking and left me basically speechless. If Alia had given up all hopes of ever having children, there was clearly nothing I would be able to come up with that would get her interest. Alia had indeed become again self-loathing and self-destructive.

Now it is easy to see that what Alia needed was love and understanding. If there had ever been a time, where her recipe to respond with hugs and love to her anger and hate was recommended, that was it. Alia was in love and under that state it was hopeless to reason with her. I wish I had realized all what I could do is to tell her I love her and would be there to continue loving her whenever she starts waking up from Gary's spell. While I was able to understand it was hopeless to reason with Alia, I was myself so heartbroken and desperate that I did not have the energy to start planning on what would be the best strategy to follow to revive our marrage the day Alia would come back to her senses. I could only find motivation to express my complaint and despondency. It was indeed really sad and distressing that after all what we had been through, all what we had fought, all what we had shared and all what we had accomplish, Alia was blowing everything up for some stupid adolescent fancy. For me it was especially heartbreaking to experience that after all what I had to endure, all the blazes of adolescence Alia put me through, all the tantrums I had to endure, all the times Alia got mad at me for the most stupid reasons, all the times Alia complained she could not help feeling she was not good enough for me; now I was being dumped because, all of a sudden, she had concluded I was not good enough for her.

Particularly during the first two years of our relationship, it was rather frequent Alia would get mad at me for some really stupid reason. At first it was disappointing and discouraging to learn that was a part of Alia's personality; but I would soon conclude it was all a consequence of Robyn's terrible parenting. Alia excused herself explaining she was a bit crazy. She was really worried I would get scared with that and I would stop loving her and run away. But I told her I rather thought she was just childish. Alia got really confused with my reply and was not sure she liked it; but I explained it was a more benign interpretation: while there was not a clear cure to mental disorders, I thought I knew a way out of a childish personality; we just needed to correct Robyn's terrible parenting. Since I was taking the blame off of Alia and putting it instead on Robyn, I was admitting I needed to help Alia and work with her.; and we did work together. I pledge to myself I would never submit to Alia's tantrums. I would endure them all the way, until she figured out she would not get rewarded for them. In fact, after the storm, Alia would feel really horrible knowing she had hurt me for some childish fancy or to satisfy her ego. Alia is a very affectionate person and needs a lot of love. She then felt really horrible thinking she was irreversibly losing a bit of my respect and love for her, everytime she was getting mad at me for some stupid reason. I so realized it would be a very big mistake if I ever rebuke her for her immature behavior. I knew Alia was already inflicting herself enough pain and, given how fragile she is, adding even more to it could have long-lasting traumatic effects. I certainly did not want that to happen. Alia was the woman I had chosen to share my life with, the woman I hoped one day would become the mother of my children, she was definitely my best friend; it had therefore been really stupid if I had wanted her to feel some really deep pain. But, most of all, Alia, aside from her rage attacks, was otherwise adorable and, hence, I loved her with all my heart. The reason was actually very simple: nobody else (except, perhaps, my mother) has ever loved me and believed in me as much as her.

It was not easy at all; we had some really tough times. But we worked hard together and succeeded. Without a doubt, it was an amazing accomplishment. If I just read Alia's emails of 2010, when we first met, and compared the anxiety and instability (to say the least) she exhibits there, with the sensibility and sweetness of her emails of 2012, after our travels across Central America and Europe; the change is prodigious and admirable. In all honesty, I have to admit I have always felt proud of my part in that improvement. It was indeed not quite straightforward to understand it was not really Alia's fault if she was so immature or crazy. It was actually very difficult, really stressful and exhausting to endure Alia's tantrums, to be so often submitted to such levels of anger, hate and madness,and accept to just suck it up. With time I ended up concluding the argument whether Alia was crazy or just immature was rather futile, since both explanations are not mutually-excluding. These days it is clear to me, Robyn's terrible parenting caused both, Alia becoming immature and capricious, as well as Alia starting doing drugs as young as 11 years old. Without a doubt, Alia's early use of drugs in turn affected her mental health. Whatever the reasons, there were times where Alia got totally out of control, and when it happened, it was really hard to endure. In St. Michel, for example, she got so mad at me because I did not like the way she had arranged my sleeping pads, that she gave me a black eye. In Swakopmund she screamed at me she felt like stabbing me like twenty times, just because I critisized she had supported the mechanics in their argument against me. However, as hurtful as it was, if she was not in control of her anger and emotions, it was not that reasonable (or at least not very useful) to rebuke her for her rage attacks, once she had already calmed down.

At the end of the day, it was all worth it, because Alia proved me right. Alia had the insight to realize getting her way or satisfying her ego was not worth losing her husband's love and respect. The deep remorse she felt after each tantrum was by itself enough to help her slowly learn how to control her emotions.

But now Alia was blowing everything up and even wanted me to start thinking about all what I may have done wrong. I had never had any problem admitting making mistakes, but the three examples Alia had just come up with were simply ridiculous. Instead, I had always remembered an instance, where I had always felt bad for how I reacted to Alia's rage. It had been in Monaco, we had had a really bad day and Alia had been a total idiot. However, she had finally calmed down and was, in fact, already in that stage where she was feeling really ashamed. But I was not sensitive to her struggles and was instead very rude to her. So I thought I would now tell her abbout it; but before I wanted to remind her all we were coming from. I wanted to remind her how difficult we had had it from the very beginning, all what we went through, all what we had to fight and all what we accomplished. I wanted to remind her how she had to leave everything (her family, her friends, her school and her country) and come with me to Mexico, because she could not do it alone in Montana anymore, how we traveled for the next two years and all the times she gave me hell for the most stupid reasons, how we fought during those two years so that I would be allowed back in Montana, and how we finally succeeded; how we overcame all the obstacles in our way, how we were able to get my green card application approved, how she learned to control herself and how we were finally able to return to Montana so that she could finish her forestry degree. It was then so sad to see it all die, all what we had accomplished, all those amazing moments we shared together, just for some adolescent fancy.  

         

I think that was all very reasonable, but what I failed to realize was that Alia herself was feeling horrible. Gary had just broken her heart in hundred pieces and she had good reasons to feel stupid for falling in love with a player like him. Moreover, although she will never be able to admit it, I am sure she was feeling horrible for stabbing her marriage to death. It clearly speaks for itself that from the very first moment she told me she was going to leave me, she immediately started looking for ways she could blame me for our marriage's death: she was feeling an immense pain and remorse.

I Know for a fact she felt her marriage was the most fundamental asset and accomplishment in her life. Alia's father committed suicide when she was a baby. Since then Alia has been submitted to Robyn's torment, leading her to start doing drugs at the age of eleven. She then had a really difficult adolescence filled with depression, anger and suicidal thoughts. For those or whatever other reasons, Alia has always felt some kind of sick and macabre attraction for all those concepts of death and self-destruction. She had long felt cursed and always feared she would eventually screw up everything and would not be able to escape from her fatal fate. Back in 2010, when she was totally enamored with me, she wrote me saying: "I had some deep fear someday I will betray you." She wrote me those words the very same time she told me she had been having suicidal thoughts because she could not stay away from me anymore. For some reason I never really understood, Alia seemed to like warning me about her macabre thoughts. One of Alia's favorite songs was "El Amante de Fuego", by the Spanish band Mecano. The song is about a woman possessed by some demon, who pushes her to put her house on fire with her lover inside. Alia used to tell me she sometimes felt like the woman in the song. It may sound weird, but, when we arrived to Cape Town, it is like she could feel the moment was coming and her fate was close. During those first weeks in Cape Town (as a matter of fact I believe it was around the time we first met Gary), Alia got some song stuck in her head and would not stop singing it. It was: "Dominique, Dominique", a 1963 song by The Singing Nun, nothing like Alia's favorite music. Alia told me (she seemed to believe, probably from Asylum horror show) the song was about a woman, who ends up getting locked up in some sort of bedlam of perversion and insanity. Alia was so convinced of her tragic fate that nothing took her fears away. As well as her marriage was going, she kept tormenting herself worrying that at any time the tiniest perturbation may trigger an unstopable chain of events that would cause our demice. Alia pointed out to me an episode of the New Zealand comedy "Flight of the Conchords", where, from the seemingly insignificant purchase of a cup, two men go through a complete ordeal, that puts them at the brink of collapse. Alia's surrender to asshole Gary then very much feels like the self-fulfilled prophecy: if she was doomed anyway, then better put an end to the agony once and forever.  

The way I see it, throughout all those times that she got mad at me for the most stupid reasons, she immediately felt horrible about it, because she could see she was losing one more bit of her husband's love and, with that, she was moving a step closer to her marriage's death. She had always looked at me and asked for reassurance I still loved her. This time she had done something more than getting mad at me for some stupid reason; this time she had gone all the way betraying me and telling me she was going to leave me. She will never be able to admit it, but I think, when she willingly accepted to come to the beach to talk, deep inside she wanted to know if I still loved her and there was any way back. When I started reminding her about all those times she got mad at me for the most stupid reasons, the answer to the question became clear: No.           

While I feel totally justified for complaining, expressing my despondency and, therefore, reminding Alia of all those times she hurt me, I regret I did it. I wish I had not done it, because it simply did not serve any good purpose. OK, it allowed me to vent out, but it had otherwise disastrous consequences. It is not that I believe she may have reversed her decision to leave me, if I had told her I loved her; I am pretty sure she had not, but, by expressing my complaint and, that way, depicting her as an awful person, everything blew up. As a matter of fact, the night before, after Alia took off with Gary, leaving me alone in the workshop, I started thinking hard what I could do. I realized it was critical we talk. I also thought I would suggest to her that we go stay at a motel. It was clear to me Gary was having a poisoning effect on Alia's mind, he had basically been bombarding her mind with hateful thoughts against me all those weeks at the workshop, and I should get him off of her. I needed to be closer to Alia, and Gary needed to stay away as far as possible from her. I am not sure Alia had accepted, but, when I went ahead with my rebuke, I blew up that bridge.

I said earlier it would be really stupid to hurt the woman I had chosen to share my life with and wanted to be the mother of my children. Well, that is exactly what I did, when I reminded her of all those times she had got mad at me because of the most stupid reasons. I cannot even say I did not expect to hurt Alia with that. The truth is there had been several times where I felt aggravated and felt like reminding Alia what she had done to me in the past and the patience I had had with her. But I always avoided doing so, because I knew it had hurt her very deeply and, given how fragile and affectionate she is, feared it could be really traumatic and irreversibly disrupt our love. It seemed to me, however there was now little love left to cherish and, quite frankly, I was feeling myself way too heartbroken and betrayed that I would want to spend much time caring for Alia's heart. It is also true, however, I really did not expect my words would utterly destroy Alia as apparently they did. If I had known, I had avoided saying them; but since I did, I regret them. It, however, brings me back to the question: if Alia did not love me anymore, why did she get so deeply hurt by my rebuke? In other words, it turns out, as far as that beach, she still loved me; because, otherwise, why would she care at all for anything I could say?    

 

I was there for quite a while going through all those episodes where Alia had got mad at me for some stupid reason: our first argument, still in Montana, was because I suggested she raises her bicycle seat. In Comitan she got mad at me because she did not know the answer to our host's question of where we were planning to go next. In Dresden it was because I told her she was splashing water out of the bathtub. In Durmitor she got mad because I asked her to cut the pineapple on a plate, rather than on a cutting board... Alia remained there listening quietly to all that. Earlier she had tried to argue what it was that I had done wrong. Now she had to endure hearing what was that she had done wrong. I have always found a general agreement Alia has real struggles taking any kind of negative feedback. That is of no surprise, since she was not used to it at all, as Robyn has never done anything but to praise her. I therefore can imagine how hard it should have been for Alia to listen to me. Eventually she could not take it any longer and she screamed at me to stop. Then she ran away. Alia was in immense pain. Now I know that was the most hurtful moment in Alia's life. She needed to get out of there, because she felt she would otherwise die. When I first met Alia, she was a suicidal person, who hated herself, because she thought she was an awful person. But I told her she was not. I comforted and loved her, because I thought she was a wonderful human being. Six years later she had killed that love and I was indeed telling her she was an awful person.

After a while, as I expected, Alia came back. She was hoping I would not continue with my discourse; but I was not attentive to what Alia was going through. I thought she was just mad, like she had been many times before, and that was just one more example of her total inability to accept any criticism. Also, I still had not got to that episode in Monaco, that I wanted to offer her as an instance where I was not proud of my reaction to her madness, and, most of all, I wanted to finish pointing out how we had been able to overcome all those difficulties and how heartbreaking it was that, after all what we had fought and all what we had accomplished, she would just blow it all up for some adolescent rush. Thus, I continue where I had left off, like a car resumes its drive after the light turns green. 

I wish I had at least realized Alia was at the end of her energies and I really needed to wrap up. But I guess I had accumulated quite some resentment, I was myself hurt, and I needed to get it all out. Unfortunately, I was getting into that horrible day that ended in Monaco, when Alia finally could not hold it anymore and exploded. She repeatedly screamed at me to stop and ran away again. I thought she needed to take some air, but would obviously soon return. But she did not. Time passed and she was not coming back. The sun was setting and it was getting cold. As I was getting worried Alia might not return, I thought I would go look for her. I did not want to leave the bench where we had been talking, because she might not be able to find me anymore, should she ever come back. I was hoping she may be in the car; but was not quite sure where exactly the car was either. I looked around, but could not find her. I concluded I better go back to the bench, in case she still returns for me. However, I was slowly accepting it was hopeless. As it was getting dartk, I realized I should start working on the possibility Alia would not come back. It was Cape Town and I knew it was really dangerous I stayed on the beach that late in the day; I needed to get out of there, regardless of what happened with Alia. I did not know where to go, but thought my best option was to try to find some gas station quickly.

      

  I started asking people and, finally, I was able to get to a gas station. Once safe inside, I was relieved to see I had a couple of missed calls from Gary's number. I thought it was probably Alia who had gone to Gary's and was using his phone to check on me. Thus, I called back that number hoping to be able to speak with Alia and have her come back for me. However, it turned out it was Monica who had been calling. Now, hear this, Monica clarified she was trying to get hold of Alia, as she was worried for her; it was getting late and did not know her whereabouts. I told her I did not know where Alia was either; but explained we had been talking on the beach, until she abruptly took off and left me there stranded. Monica completely disregarded everything I had said about my stressful state of affairs. and told me instead she was hoping to hear from Alia soon. A while later, I spoke again with Monica. Alia had finally arrived to their place. I wondered if anybody could come pick me up. I was in this gas station at the beach and had no way to get back to the workshop. I did not even had an address for the workshop, should I tried to get an uber. Monica explained she was not going to allow Alia to leave again the house that late in the night without "her phone." What was wrong with that woman?!! Quite frankly, still today it upsets the crap out of me. So what? Monica thinks women are little angels that come from Heaven or she is simply stupid? It really blew my mind. Alia had betrayed me with her asshole male partner (she may not had figured it out, but that is what had happened). Alia had left me to rot at the workshop, and gone stay with them, hoping she could still steal Monica's asshole partner. Finally, Alia had now left me stranded on that beach in freaking violen Cape Town. And this woman is solely concerned with Alia's wellbeing and has absolutely no regard for my life. Not only thinks Monica women are angels, but she does not even believe men reach the condition of human beings. I wish Monica had at least, at some point, wondered if perhaps there was any inaccuracy in all what Alia had said the previous Friday. It was not even like Monica had not received strong inputs suggesting the truth may be quite different from what Alia had depicted. As a matter of fact, we had been around for more than a month already and Alia had not made any mention of any problem in our relationship. Rather the opposite, it had become obvious to everybody we were a very happy couple and were really close. For goodness sake, I wonder if Monica ever got a bit intrigued observing Gary and Alia were getting so well along and how they were frantically exchanging SMS's! But, most of all, we had stayed over at their place just a couple of weeks earlier and Monica had then a chance to get to know us better and see that Alia was not at all the kind of girl who would submissively follow whatever her husband says. Rather the opposite, Alia was rather controlling and liked to be in charge.. As a matter of fact, after we finished dinner, Monica thought we have some little music party.: she was going to play a bit of everybody's favorite music. Needless to say Alia was first, because, yeah, we all know we live in a man's world, but, obviously, ladies first. Monica had found out which was Alia's favorite band and wanted to play something for her. Next were Monica and Gary. Finally, it was my turn. Monica had also learned Genesis is one of my favorite bands. So, she picked some Genesis' CD to play it. But then Alia, who was that night trying to impress Gary, jumped off her seat and ran towards Monica to intercept her. Monica laughed thinking Alia was just playing and joking. But Alia was actually totally serious about it and kept screaming she simply could not bear listening to Phil Collins. Gary and I looked at each other kind of amused - kind of embarrassed. Monica, still confused with Alia's behavior, tried to explained everybody had had their favorite music played, it was only me left, so I should have something played for me too. However, Alia would insist and simply not allow her to play any Genesis. It was so much so that Monica finally gave up and I did not get to listen to any of my favorite music.

I certainly do not care at all I could not listen to Genesis. I was, as a matter of fact, used to that. During our six years of marriage, there was barely ever any time where I could listen to Genesis. Alia used to find it disappointing if I ever would not appreciate very much any of her favorite music (and there was some, like that Japanese heavy music band, that was quite unsufferable). The way she perceived it, if I really loved her, then I should also like her music. On the other hand, when it came to my music, although she was always really open and liked very much most of it, she considered completely reasonable that she would just hate Phil Collin's voice, but that would not mean she now loves me any less. The final result was that we would basically listen to the music she liked; wheter it was hers or mine. But we would barely ever listen to that part of my music she did not liked. I need to admit, however, that was never really a problem for me. The music we would listen to, like the movies we would watch or the places we would go, were all part of what I considered details that I have always believed were not worth fighting for in a relationship. The way I have always seen it, we generally get lost in the little details and end up missing the big picture. In our childish fight over toys and little details we slowly hurt our relationships; we get so absorbed looking for ways to hurt each other, until we finally forget we used to love each other and that was all what really mattered. We stupidly forget our partner is the person we chose to share our life with, hoping he or she would help us achieve our dreams and be happy, and end up constantly looking for ways to hurt him or her. The truth is those little details were never a problem in our relationship, because, for the most part, we both agreed and shared views on those topics.          

  

So far so good, but, if I have always been patient and understanding and everybody who has known me has always acknowledged that part of my personality, then it is really disturbing Monica would simply assume I am an asshole, even after she had witnessed exactly the opposite. Worst of all, to be more precise, There is no doubt in my mind, Monica assumed I was an asshole, for the very sole reason that I am a male. Unfortunately, it was not even enough for Monica to start making wrong assumptions. What really annoys the shit out of me is that she also needed to be proactive about it. I really do not understand who the hell she thought she was to appoint herself as the arbiter between Alia and me, and start taking decisions for us. Monica did not know anything about us and yet, without anybody's invitation, she takes over our relationship. Who was she to give or deny Alia permission to go out? "Alia's phone" was actually our phone; that is the smartphone I bought with the money I cared to save, but, during our travels, Alia was keeping most of the times, because, clearly, she was quicker doing stuff. Yeah, I am a man and, consequently, was so controlling that Alia would keep my phone most of the times. Same thing for the keys! I never had a copy of our house keys. Whether we were in Montana or in Spain (staying with my family) or traveling, Alia would always take and keep the keys. If I ever needed to leave the house by myself and there was a chance Alia would not be home by the time I return, I had to ask Alia for the keys. Yet, here comes Monica to decide she needs to protect Alia from me...

It may be argued Monica was only trying to help, but I do not buy it. Nobody asked her and her encroachment was therefore totally unacceptable. Nothing good can come out when somebody starts taking decisions and acting upon something she has no knowledge about. In fact, Monica put the last nail on our marriage's coffin. I have always been convinced we had a fair chance to find a way to save our relationship. In fact, the path has always been clear to me. From the very first minute, I have always thought Alia was being stupid and, sooner or later, she would figure out Gary was only playing with her. I have always been waiting for that moment, to start working again together our way out of this hole. I have always thought our marriage was worth it and it had been really stupid to give it up just for a minute of stupidity. However, when Monica decided to split us off, she ruined all hopes. Monica did not only separate us physically, but most of all emotionally and spiritually. Even worse, she put Alia helpless in the hands of her master. Monica definitely put the fox to guard the hen house. During those ten days Alia was all by herself at the mercy of Gary, he made sure to finish his job completely  wiping out her brain and subduing her to his spell. When Gary was done, the path back home for Alia had been completely rubbed off and so it was sure she was not going to figure out anytime soon anything that had happened.

A while after speaking with Monica, I finally got a call from Alia. She sounded really weak. As a matter of fact, she wanted to explain she was feeling completely destroyed, she just did not have any energies and wondered if I could not figure out anything by myself. It became clear to me it was useless to argue. I may have felt upset, but she certainly did not sound fake: she noticeably struggled to get any word out and even seemed to have some difficulties breathing. It was certainly disappointing for me to witness again Alia was missing one more opportunity to express any feeling of care or concern for me; but, clearly, that was not the time. Rather, it was the time for me to accept that I will have to stay the night at that gas station. It was really very stressful, because I did not even know what the staff at the gas station would think about me staying there overnight. Actually, I did not even know if they were going to stay open throughout the night. I was feeling hopeful thinking they had so far been really nice to me. I had been there for a while already and I had already asked them for some help having my phone charged. It was clear to them I was going through some really difficult time and were patiently doing everything they could to help. They understood I was severely visually impaired and they knew, at that time of the night, my life was not safe outside of that gas station. Yes, it did not seem they were going to kick me out or kindly ask me to leave. It seemed they were going to allow me to stay there overnight; but it was still very stressful to think I still had a long night ahead of me at that gas station and I really did not know what is that I was going to do to get some sleep. All what I was able to find to try to get some rest were some stools; but it was to no avail. Not only it was very uncomfortable, but I was feeling too much anxiety. Undoubtedly, there were too many things going through my mind. As time passed, I was feeling more and more frustrated and uneasy. I was really tired,, but just could not fall asleep. I kept blaming it on the stool and the music. I kept thinking, perhaps, if I laid on the counter, I would be able to get some sleep. But, obviously, did not think the staff at the gass station would like to see me do that. Eventually I became so frustrated and desperate that I gather the courage to go ahead with the unblushing move to climb on the counter and lay down there. The staff clearly did not like it; yet, initially they still decided to forbearingly suck it up. However, with the break of dawn, it became too much and some guy finally could not refrain any longer from expressing his disapproval and reproached me for my shameless behavior. Some other customers would soon start coming and would feel scandalized to see some guy sleeping on the counter. I understood my move had not been the best way to show my gratitude for the staff's patience and kindness and so sheepishly returned to the stool. 

Somehow I was feeling a bit more relieved: it was a new day, I had make it through the night and soon I was going to be able to get out of there. I had got the idea to call Andre (Gary's business partner) and ask him to come pick me up. Andre would always come for work at 8am, so I did not need to wait much longer. When I spoke with Andre, he seemed to commiserate with me and told me he would come for me, but he needed to do something else first. So I waited a while more before calling him again. However, I was becoming more doubtful that Andre would finally come pick me up. Time passed by, it slowly became late in the morning and I was still at the gas station. With the daily activity the place had become pretty busy and it was now nice outside, so it only made sense to go wait outside. As I did not hear back from Andre, I kept thinking what else I could do to get out of there. I was sitting on the curb, totally depressed when some man approached me and asked me if I was alright. I appreciated his concern for me and told him I was actually not doing well. I tried to explain in a nutshell what was my problem. Since I had so many grievances to share, it was certainly complicated to summarize everything in an intelligible way. However, I think my face just spoke for itself. Roy was able to discern I needed a ride and he determined he could help with that. At that time any kind of help, any tiny bit of care for me, felt like the whole world; so I explained I would forever be grateful, if he could give me a ride back to the workshop. Roy led me to his car, where his wife (Deborah) was waiting. I had to ride in the trunk, but at that time I could not care less about that. Roy and Debbie were indeed really nice; whereas all the previous days as well as those that were to follow belong to the worst of my life. The half hour I spent in the car chatting with Roy and Deborah then became like the most wonderful breath of love in the midst of a tornado of hate. It turned out Deborah was actually a US-citizen and they were trying to get Roy a green card, so that they could move to the US. I was really happy to hear that, because now I had something I could contribute to them. Of course Alia and I had gone through all that process and had done a lot of research on the topic. I, therefore, had a lot of good information to provide them with. As we were getting close to Killarney Gardens, we were able to get hold of Andre for exact directions to the workshop. I was however not really excited about reaching the end of our trip, since that would mean goodbye to my new friends and put me back into the nightmare of the last days. Upon our arrival I made sure to ask Roy and Debbie for their phone number; I really did not want to see them go. I knew the days ahead were going to be really difficult and I was going to need some support. I was feeling a mix of anxiety and desperation.

Although it was about the time that Gary would usually come for work, this time he and Alia were obviously late. Andre was not quite concerned about me either. It was clear to me the best thing I could do was to try to get some sleep. I went outside to grab some seat pads from the Land Rover and made some kind of bed with them. I was however still unable to get much rest. I was still too stressed. I did not want to be surprised asleep when Alia and Gary would arrive.

As it was getting late into the afternoon, I started thinking perhaps Gary and Alia would not come today to the workshop. It troubled me a bit why would that be; but, on the other hand, I felt that was probably the best that could happen. It seemed to me that seeing Alia again, coming with her lover, was likely to lead to a rather unpleasant confrontation; particularly so after what had happened the day before on the beach. I was then not feeling with the energies to have an argument.     

  

It must have been around 4pm, when Alia and Gary finally arrived. I was sitting inside the workshop and Alia passed by totally oblivious of my presence. She dashed in with Gary and went right back out before I could even find a chance to say a word. I was hoping to get an explanation for what had happened the day before, but since Alia did not seem to be concerned with me, I directed my complaints towards Gary. However, he did not deem appropriate anything I had to say. He advised I should be more careful being so critic of Alia. Then, he made some gesture as if he would slide some rope around his neck and explained Alia was suicidal. I did not understand why he would now come up with that; but, since I have long known Alia had had suicidal thoughts, I basically disregarded his remark and continued with my grievances. However, one minute later it hit me that maybe I had misunderstood and Gary had actually tried to tell me something important. Hence, I stopped with what I was saying and asked him what had he meant.    

     Did he really say Alia was a suicidal person or was he actually trying to tell me that Alia had attempted to commit suicide? He explained Alia had tried to commit suicide the night before, putting a rope around her neck.

I was shocked. I could not believe my ears. All of a sudden everything became totally irrelevant and all what I care about was how was Alia. I therefore jumped off my seat and ran outside to go see Alia. She was by the Land Rover, getting stuff out from the back of the car. There were actually already quite a lot of bags and boxes on the ground and it was difficult to get to her. As I saw her standing, totally depressed, by the Land Rover's back door, all what I could think of was to say what I had missed the day before on the beach. I had wanted to give her an example of one occasion where I felt that I did not act correctly; when she abruptly screamed at me telling me to stop and, subsequently, ran away. So, now, as I was trying to make my way towards her among all the obstacles on the ground, I wanted to tell her of course there had been times where I had been wrong and I was not proud of how I had proceeded. As I was struggling to get each word out, I could not hold up the tears. I knew Alia had always felt horrible after each of those times where she got mad at me for the most stupid reason. I could then understand how much  it had hurt her the day before, that I had gone through and reminded her about all those episodes. I therefore felt terrible thinking my collection of reproaches had led her to try to commit suicide. Alia got completely shocked to hear me admit some wrongdoing and see me in such dismay for what had happened to her. Throughout our marriage she had felt it had always been her who had hurt me and had hurt our relationship. The way she saw it, she had to grovel and kick herself for days after each of our arguments. Now that I was admitting some wrongdoing on my part, she was able to find some relief to her constant remorse. Alia grabbed me and passionately kissed me in the mouth. I asked her to promise me she would never try to kill herself again. She explained she could not promise that. However, I insisted she needed to promise me she would not try to take her life again. She then conceded and promised it to me.

All of a sudden, everything seemed to have got resolved. It was clear to Alia I loved her and she seemed to love me too. That was, however, until I made my last mistake. Gary and Alia told me (or so I understood), that they had been earlier that day at the US Consulate in Cape Town. That was the reason why they had arrived so late in the afternoon. Alia had explained she had tried to commit suicide the night before and the consulate staff suggested to put her in the next flight back to the US. That, however, felt a bit rushed to Alia. But she still thought she needed to go back home as soon as possible. I understood Alia was in a very fragile and sensitive state and I should save her from all stress and conflict. Last weekend I had determined I needed to get Gary as far as possible from Alia, and had therefore planned to suggest to Alia that we go stay at a motel until she flies back home. However, now, for the most stupid reason ever, I assumed she would prefer staying with Gary and Monica and concluded I should not try to start an argument and oppose her plan to go with Gary. I therefore withdrew altogether my idea to suggest her to come with me to a motel. 

Without a doubt, that was my final mistake. Without a doubt, after that mistake I did not need to make any other one for our marriage to be pronounced dead. Still today I just cannot believe I made such a stupid decision. For some reason that will forever intrigued me, since the very beginning of our marriage Alia expressed strong fears our relationship was doomed. It was 2010, we loved each other dearly and I could not understand where those apocalyptic thoughts were coming from. However, now, once I conceded that Alia would go back with Gary and Monica, there was no doubt our marriage was doomed.

When I think today about my decision, I just cannot make any sense of it and really hate myself for it; why did I not even try? Back then it all seemed so logical, because Alia was in love with Gary and did not appreciate me that much anymore. However, everything had changed after she had just seen me crying for her and admitting some part in our marriage's failure. As much as Alia was infatuated and hooked up to Gary, she knew he was only playing and her marriage was the best she had and did not really want to see it die. It was then not that obvious at all that she would have been against coming with me to a motel. After she had finished packing, just before leaving, she went to me, looked me in the eyes and repeated: "We will talk, we will talk". We never did. I noded to show my agreement with her idea; but I did not want to go any further than that, since the last thing I wanted was to stress her out. Of course we would talk (I thought); we had the whole life to talk. So, I let her go... I let her forever go. Indeed, I was very confident we would talk and find some way out of that crisis. Alia had just kissed me passionately and made it clear she cared for me. That evening, again alone in the workshop, I was certainly feeling much better. It is actually striking (now I would say almost foolish) how much my mood had improved in such little time. Just three days earlier Alia had broken my heart. The following day I felt like dying after Alia had told me she was going to stay with Gary. Then, one more day later, we had this very sour discussion at the beach, which ended with me staying sleepless overnight at the gas station. I had not got any sleep since Saturday night (almost two days earlier), nothing substantial had changed, Alia was still in love with Gary; yet, I found energies to write the following upbeat SMS to Roy and Debbie:      

"Hi Roy & debbie. Thank you very much for your help. The last days, since my wife, Alia, dumped me last Friday, have been horrible. I really needed some help and love. I saw Alia this afternoon: she was in tears, totally destroyed and broken down. something terrible had happened. I agreed she should fly back home (Montana) immediately. She is now OK. Thank  you for being a beautiful human being. The staff at the petrol station were nice, but I spent the whole night there and you were the only one to show compassion and asked and offered help and love. You both are a big, good heart. Javier"

Reading now the message, there is little doubt I was feeling quite overconfident that everything was going to get resolved. Probably that was the reason why I did not offer any objection to Alia continuing staying with Gary and Monica. If everything was going to be alright, what was the need to start a conflict and make it hard on Alia? Needless to say, the question now could not sound more stupid. I mean... what was I thinking?!! Clearly I failed to understand what Gary could do to Alia's mind once they would be again away from me. As a matter of fact, after that day, Alia became really cold to me and we never got to talk again about what we thought we should do with our relationship. That is definitely some thought that will forever torment me and I will never be able to wrap my head around: We saw our love slip away without even being able to ever have any conversation where we could even try to explain each other's feelings.

Alia and Gary returned to the workshop the next day. Alia explained to me they would probably not come to the workshop over the following days. It was therefore advisable that we go replenish some food for me. She also pointed out she had left the other day a plate of food for me. I had actually noticed that plate and have always felt it was really weird she found time to cook some dinner that night that she tried to commit suicide at the workshop. I asked Alia for some directions to the closest supermarket. Alia did not understand my request, since she was going to drive me there. I explained she did not need to take me to the supermarket; I could go there by myself. Alia was really confused; the place was rather far away and Cape Town is very dangerous even at daylight. I clarified I did not mind to walk a couple of miles and I really did not think anything was going to happen to me. Undoubtedly, Alia's words the previous Friday regarding how sick she was of dragging me around the supermarkets, were still resounding in my brain. Alia insisted she would rather take me to the supermarket. But, after what she had said last Friday, I really did not want her to do that for me; I knew it would be a matter of time that it would be used against me. Consequently, I pulled out the smartphone and asked her to point at the supermarket's location. Alia hesitantly showed me where in the map the supermarket was. But she clearly did not want me to figure out how to get there by myself; she insisted it was very complicated and far away. But I explained I would be alright. Then, Alia broke down in tears and begged me to please let her help me: "Please, let me help you take you to the supermarket". I got shocked, I did not understand anything. Just four days ago she was telling me she was going to leave me because she was sick of dragging me around the supermarkets. But now she was begging me with tears in her eyes to please let her help me go to the supermarket. I was left speechless. Having gone that far, I obviously could not do anything but accept her help. We so drove together to the supermarket and Alia patiently helped me with everything I needed. Over the previous weeks, each time we had been to a store, Alia had been rather mean to me and had frequently become frustrated with my perfectionism and enless questions. This time however she enduringly helped me with everything without ever voicing a word of complaint.

I believe it was after we returned from the supermarket that Alia gave me our credit card. She told me she had already booked her flight to the US and was not going to need it. At first I did not want to take it, since she still had a week before her departure. However, she explained she was still keeping quite some South African cash and would have enough. I asked her one last time if she was sure about that and, as she noded, I finally accepted the credit card.

Alia's reaction that day crying, begging me to allow her to help me, after she had scremed at me four days earlier, she was sick of dragging me around the supermarkets, is probably the best example I can think of to show how Alia got messed up. Without a doubt, at the very least, she became completely contradictory. Everybody has always agreed with me my reluctance to accept Alia's help was totally reasonable and more than justified. Whereas her reaction was not quite easy to understand. However, on a deeper thought, perhaps I have all along been wrong. Perhaps, I have all along failed to understand Alia's very special personality and emotions. Indeed, Alia had created this ideal image of hubby and wifie, this perfect world of Monkey and Bunny, where we both loved each other dearly. Alia had always feared to ever wake up from this dream. Long before we made it to Africa, Alia had always felt a deep disappointment, if I ever hesitated to accept any help from her or exhibit anything less than complete trust in her. For example, if we ever came down from a hike after dark, she would not understand why I would not want to just hold on to her and allow her to guide me through the dark. Similarly, if she ever needed to log in into my email, she would find it disappointing that I would not just tell her my password, but would enter it myself. I can then imagine that, when I hesitated to accept her help taking me to the supermarket, she did not have any other choice than to accept I did not trust her anymore. I did not see her as my Bunny anymore. She was not my wifie anymore. That is, I did not really love her anymore.

From then on it was all a slow and very sad agony and decomposition. I think it must have been about Thursday of that week, when Alia and Gary returned to the workshop. The only relevant contact Alia had with me was to suggest I leave the workshop and go stay at a hostel. I could tell very well where was that coming from. I knew perfectly well Alia was only conveying the message Gary had given her for me. That asshole had offered us one month earlier that we stayed at the workshop, so that he could take on his challenge to conquer Alia. Back then we were two, but we were not any inconvenience. However, now that he had got his prey and game was over, my presence at the workshop all of a sudden became a big nuisance and he needed to get rid of me. Not only I did not feel like dancing to Gary's music, but by no means was I going to leave the Land Rover unattended at the workshop. Gary was going to need to look me in the eyes and tell me to leave, in order for him to get me out of there. Certainly to hide behind Alia and use her for that purpose was not going to work with me.

That Friday was Alia's birthday. So, when I saw her, I made sure to wish her a happy birthday. Alia thanked me for that. She seemed to be gladly surprised that I wished her a happy birthday. I do not think she was very confident I would do so. If that was really her intuition, she was actually quite wrong. If that was indeed her view, it had been just one more example of how those days we were both so completely clueless about each other's feelings. As a matter of fact, I was feeling quite some regret that I was not going to be able to be with her on her birthday; instead some other assholes would. It certainly produced me some rather unpleasant feeling to think that Alia was going to share her birthday with asshole Gary and Monica, while I would be sitting alone at the filthy workshop. Gary told me later, that Monica invited some friends over and throw some little party for Alia. They drank, cursed and were stupid. It made me feel even worse.

I am not sure if it was also that day that Alia handed me some papers Monica had printed for me. Monica had given those papers to Alia with information about companies I could use to ship the Land Rover back to Spain. While I assumed Monica had printed that information with her best intention, I need to admit I really did not appreciate to receive those papers. To say the truth, the thought that went through my mind was to make a ball of those papers, give it back to Alia and ask her to throw it back to Monica when Alia see her next. I guess I had developed quite some resentment against Monica for having uninvitedly and recklessly taking over our relationship.. In fact, I did not know what had made Monica assume I wanted to ship the Land Rover back to Spain. As a matter of fact, I had absolutely no intention to do anything like that. However, I do not like to act impulsively and, on a second thought, I reckon one day I might regret my gesture of scorn towards Monica. If I put my resentment aside and thought reasonably, it did not seem unlikely one day Monica may be of help. It was then not worth it to indulge myself in the fleeting pleasure of throwing those papers back to Monica, but slid them in my pocket instead.

It was also one of those days that Alia and I talked about what she should take back home. I asked her if she wanted to take with her the souvenirs we had bought during our journey across Africa. Alia was however not very interested; she argued she had limited space and could only take so much. Long, long time afterwards I realized that eventually she changed her mind about it and ended up taking with her pretty much all the souvenirs and more. 

    

It also stroke me how Alia came to me a few days before her departure to ask me to give her wedding ring back. It seems her wedding ring inconvenienced her while working on the car. She therefore had given it to me a couple of weeks earlier (before breaking up with me), so that I would keep it safe. As a matter of fact, I had actually reflected on the oddity that I found myself with both wedding rings in my hand, now that Alia had told me she was going to leave me. I had wondered what would happen with her wedding ring. It felt to me it was going to be a very good benchmark and test of Alia's state of mind and how she perceived her marriage. I knew Alia has always felt her marriage was a fundamental part of her life and her wedding ring was something far beyond a symbol. However, now that she had decided to leave me, because she was sick of dragging me around the supermarkets, it only seemed logical she would not care for her wedding ring anymore, and would not ask to have it back. Yet, she did... and I am sure it was not because of its monetary value.

The following Monday, February 29th 2016, was the day Gary and Alia had planned they would finish putting back the gearbox and get the Land Rover back running. I had actually been worried about it all through the previous days, since Alia's flight was only two days later, so, if anything would go wrong, there would be barely any margin for any reaction. Gary and Andre approached me that morning at the workshop. Gary first explained to me he was going to get the car running later that day. Hence, I needed to find some other place where to stay, because, with the car finally fixed, Alia was going to take me to my new place, before leaving on Wednesday. Andre also wanted to make clear how annoyed he was with my presence at the workshop and how they needed me out of there by the time Alia would fly off. Andre also took the chance to rebuke me for being a "lazy asshole" and not treating Alia right. I patiently waited for Andre to finish with his stupid non-sense before starting my reply. However, when I began talking I must have said something to Andre's dislike; since he fretfully grabbed me by my shirt's neck with both hands, arguing that I should not interrupt him, because he had not finish speaking.

The whole incident left me really disturbed and upset. I need to admit I generally feel the utmost repulsion for this kind of cowards; who are always so flattery, until they perceive some weakness and then find it safe to take off their masks and fully expose the asshole they are inside. I wondered if Andre had any clue of all the crap Gary kept talking about him behind his back. As a matter of fact, they both kept a really tough competition for the title of biggest asshole around. It was for example really hard to discern who of the two was more racist or more hypocrite.

I went outside to check on the car and shortly later I found Alia. I told her about my argument with Gary and Andre, and started bitching about her new friends. Alia replied she was not going to say anything one way or the other; she was not going to side with anybody. Clearly, my problems were my problems and not hers anymore. I noticed Alia had a cigarette in her hand and was smoking again after six years. Without me ever saying a word about it, she had quit smoking right after our wedding to prove to herself she was worthy of me. Earlier that day I had also watched her standing next to Gary as he was chatting with Andre. She was there completely absorbed in fascination looking at Gary, trying hard to find something smart to say to impress him, but barely ever given the opportunity to intervene in the conversation between the men. It really broke my heart to witness to what extend she had lowered herself. She had betrayed all what we were and was only concerned with pleasing her master. It was particularly disappointing that she did not even know anymore who was really on her side. For example, while I had inspired her to get out of all drugs, all what Gary had to show off for her is putting her back on drugs. I reproached her for having forgotten who was really on her side and argued I could not believe she did not realize Gary did not care a thing for her. However, Alia was aware of that and knew the story would end in two days, when she would fly off. PowerBar Barbie was the nickname the guys at the workshop had given her, after she broke a thick metal bar they used as lug wrench. That was during our first days at the workshop, when Alia was still an ambitious, juicy prey to be conquered. But now that she had surrender, she was nothing. I therefore pointed out to her how now that PowerBar Barbie had broken down, she was ready to be discarded. Alia certainly did not appreciate my remark. She took a gasp of air, but then refrained from saying anything in return. Rather, turned around and left totally furious.

Alia's reply exhibiting her utmost disregard for my fate had a devastating effect on me. It was really hurtful to feel her betrayal. I could not believe that after all what we had shared, she would not stand by me, but would rather prefer some asshole womanizer who she had met one month earlier. We were still married, but clearly there was no emotional connection between us anymore. I was ready to assume she would get over Gary sooner or later; however, I was now going to need her to tell me she loves me. What I did not know well back then is that I better took a seat while waiting; because that was never going to happen. Having said that, however, it is also true I could have never expected all what was actually going to happen. Neither was I able to understand all what was going through Alia's mind.

When I now look back at it, I cannot help but to conclude that, while it had been basically impossible for anybody to make a good analysis of our marriage's crisis, I certainly failed to understand what had led to Alia's betrayal and breakdown, and what was the smartest strategy to resolve the crisis, if indeed I wanted to save our marriage. It is now clear to me I focused too much on my grievances against Alia and did not put instead enough energies thinking what is that I needed to do in order to save our wonderful relationship. In other words, from that day at Gary's workshop I started asking the wrong question: instead of asking myself what should I do in order to save our marriage, I started asking what will I need Alia to do in order to save our marriage. I have never been a jealous person and, therefore, have never needed Alia’s life to circle around me. I have always been convinced, that the day would come, where Alia would not passionately love me anymore; but, perhaps, just care and love me. I have always thought, at the very latest, the day Alia would have children, her center of gravity would definitely shift to them. Both, Alia and I, wanted to have children, so that shift was bound to happen. Nevertheless, Alia would still consider me an important asset to help her raise our children. However, one and a half months after first meeting Gary, it was not just that she did not love me anymore, but she did not care for our marriage either; or how was that blind guy (that she needed to drag around the supermarkets) going to help her raise her children. After ten days at Gary’s place, her brain had been completely wiped out; so that she did not remember who she was anymore, and all what she knew was that she was totally enamored  with Gary. It was definitely a difficult one, but the key issue was that I failed to realize that Alia needed help; because it was not only that she was now a different person, but she had completely forgotten who we were. It seems to me it must have been something similar to what many patients experience, when they come out of a comma after a trauma: they can hardly remember anything and start filling in the gaps with whatever they are told. Alia needed help but all the people around her did not have her wellbeing among any of their priorities. Meanwhile, on the other side of the court, I was sitting waiting for her to come give me some explanation for what she had done to me.

A while later I spoke again with Alia. This time, however, she needed to tell me there seemed to be something wrong with the car; because it would not start. I asked her if they had any insight of what may be the problem; but Alia did not know. She just told me Gary was going to try a few things, but it did not look well. Somehow I had expected something like that. Half year traveling across Africa on an old Land Rover had taught me science does not apply to that kind of car. One week before, when Alia told me that she had already booked her flight, I got worried thinking something may not go as planned and they may not be able to get the Land Rover back running before Alia's departure. Given that I cannot drive, even if everything had worked well with the car, I was already troubled thinking how was I going to be able to move it after Alia had left. However, if the car did not even start, that opened up now a whole lot of very stressful scenarios; particularly after the incident with Gary and Andre earlier that morning. I was not quite sure if they would still want to force me out of the workshop, if the car was still broken down; but, even if that was not going to be the case, it really did not seem a very desireable idea. However, on the other hand, I really feared leaving the Land Rover unattended at the workshop, helplessly in Gary's hands, I certainly knew I could not trust him. As a matter of fact, Alia had told me a couple of weeks earlier, that Gary had admitted to her, that when he first met us, he had thought he would eventually remove and keep a very unique car part of our Land Rover Santana.

That hint had led me to consider to what extend it was purely accidental that the Land Rover would not start or Gary had something to do with it. All until now he had not asked us for any money. He had argued he did not work for the money, but for the joy of it. But it had now became clear that was because he had his eyes set on Alia; but now that Alia was gone... we were back to the more conventional scenario, that Gary was just one other car mechanic out for business. Hence, I had to reason and take my decisions accordingly.

Alia told me that from Gary's assessment, there were two possibilities. If we were lucky, it had been a problem while mounting the gearbox. In that case, a couple of thousands South African Rands (about $150) would suffice. However, the worst case scenario would require to take out again the gearbox. That would obviously be far more expensive and put us down many thousandrands (about R6,000 - R10,000). 

It seemed to me, however, there were for me also two possible ways to read Gary’s dual quote. The first option was to believe he was being honest whereas the second option cautioned me that he may want to rib me off. Fact of the matter was that,at that time I knew he had lied several times already, so it only seemed reasonable to think he might as well lie again. In that case, the odds the second option was the correct one were fairly high and I needed to be wary Gary may now be on a plan to rib me off.

As a matter of fact, Gary’s dual quote had already put me on a state of alert. It seemed to me fairly likely he might be playing smart. He was an experienced mechanic and knew his business pretty well.  He knew what he needed to say to win his customers confidence and sell his services. We all have this natural tendency before an uncertain future to wishful think and hope for the best. My guess was then that he had very cleverly raise the first, cheaper scenario to seduce me into gathering hopes for an easy fix, that would fool me into accepting his offer and give him the job. However, on the other hand, he had also made mention of the more costly possibility to deny me any chance to complain when the moment came that he would have to give me the bad news. ...Because, I better figure that out, I could be sure he would eventually come back saying that, unfortunately, the problem lied on the gearbox, he had to take it out and, consequently, the bill was for R10,000. Whether or not it was true that he really had to remove the gearbox, was something that I certainly would never have any way to find out, and he was very well aware of that. So, in order for me to be able to resolve the whole problem with a couple of thousand Rands, it was not only necessary that the mistake had been made while mounting the gearbox, but I also needed Gary to be honest and not lie about it. Now, the latter really seemed far fetched. Why was he going to settle down for R2000 when  just a simple lie could make him R8000 more? I knew well the answer to that question was not that he would want to be honest or he would fell for me. In summary, if Gary was to repair the car, I could be sure it would cost me many thousands South African Rands.

The bad news for me were that at that point, with the car still broken down, Gary had me by the balls and I was very well aware of it. It became clear to me, even if they did not try to force me out of the workshop, I would better get as far as possible from Gary. The main problem was that I just could not see how was I going to be able to take the car with me. Well, first things first, so I first needed to find some new place where to go after Alia leaves, and then I could start thinking about the car. At that time we had been in Cape Town for almost two months already, so we knew quite some people I could think to ask for help. The approach I have usually taken in this kind of crisis has been to write a nice and detailed message and send it to the best hearts I Know in the area. I obviously thought of Roy and Debbie. Jill and Michael Backberg also seemed a good option. The Backbergs were the owners of a winery near Stellenbosch. We had been invited to the winery to meet them just a few weeks earlier. Simon (Jill and Michael’s son) had told us about his parents. He guessed we would want to meet them, since they were one of those many South African Land Rover enthausiasts and they had as well been overlanding with their Land Rover all across Africa and had eventually even made it to India and China. We then enjoyed with them one morning chatting and exchanging experiences. They gave us some info and tips, if we should eventually decide one day to go travel across India or China. Jill could not help to voice some long-kept regret for not having made it to Pakistan. It turned out Michael had quite some safety concerns about it. I then thought to tell them about my adventures in Mexico. Those stories are really intense; they show how uncertainty makes for the essence of adventures and, although it may get stressful, even frightening, sometimes, it is not necessarily always a good idea to give up altogether before the first unknown. The truth is that generally everything eventually turns out alright, because we all give out the best of ourselves when faced with somebody in need. Power is constantly trying to make us forget about it, but our eagerness to help is undoubtedly a fundamental part of our human nature. I think it is fair to say everybody truly enjoyed listening to those stories, but Jill got so impressed that she finally pointed out: "So you are the adventurous one! I guess you had come with me to Pakistan, hadn’t you?" I nodded without hesitation. That all, however, left Alia rather uncomfortable. Indeed, if I was the adventurous one, that automatically made of her the cautious one, and she certainly did not appreciate that. She therefore made sure to clarify: “Hey, don’t you think I am not adventurous as well! I would also go to Pakistan!”. I have thought of those words so many times over the last years; particularly since 2017, when Alia started complaining about the many travels I had, supposedly, put her through, and all the dangerous places I forced her to go, putting her health and safety in risk. I have wondered so many times how those ideas made it into Alia’s mind. But, most of all, it is so disappointing to think that not a single one of our friends (particularly those that came from her side) ever had the slightest concern to try to understand what caused her to so dramatically change her perception about her travels. I mean, for six years they listened to her, followed her on facebook, ‘liked’ her pictures and witnessed how much she liked to talk about and show off her journeys all over the world. But then they had no question or found no reason to care something may have gone wrong with her, that all of a sudden she started describing those very same really amazing trips to the Swiss Alps, the Greek Islands, the Norwegian Fjords, the Mayan Riviera, etc., etc. as some horrible torture I had put her through. It makes me wonder how deep were all those enthusiastic posts shouting the loudest affirmation and excitement for our awesome  adventures and to what extent they really shared our love and happiness.

Fortunately,I did not have to wait long for Jill’s call. Her response was truly a God-sent: Jill and Michael realized I was in dire straits and felt for me. Jill explained I could come stay with them and she also asked me about the Land Rover. I really did not want to leave the car unattended at Gary’s workshop, but I understood it was now going to be quite difficult to do something about it. Not only I could not drive it, but now it was not even running. That, however, did not deter Jill. She believed we should bring the Land Rover to the farm and they would have somebody repair it over there. Jill told me she would make arrangements to have some tow truck bring the car to their place. It was a dream come true; I certainly could not ask for more. I was just so happy that my views about human nature could not have found a better time to be reaffirmed: I have long sustained we all love to help, as long as we perceive it makes sense. I am not sure that everybody has some good understanding of this. I also agree there are cases, where it really does not serve much purpose to help. But, other than that, we generally go far out of our way to help somebody in need. Most importantly, as long as we can make any sense of it and find some good purpose, we then feel the most intense gratification knowing we made some positive contribution on another person's life.      

After talking with Jill I was feeling much more relieved. It really seemed everything would turned out alright. My only concern was that Jill and Michael may have underestimated all the help they were offering and, on a second thought, as they would become better aware, they may take their words back. Thinking logically, however, that did not seem likely to happen. The Backberg’s were a mature and sensible couple, and they certainly did not appear to me, as the kind of people who would act out of impulse (in fact, they argued they had been helped so many times during their travels, that now they saw the opportunity to give back). With this, however, I do not mean to say anything against young people. But I do think they get more easily carried away by passion. Then, in their best intention they promise far more than what is really in their hands. Until they crash against reality and they have to take back everything they said. The Backberg's certainly did not seem to fit into that characterization, so I had good reasons to feel hopeful.

Tuesday, March 1st 2016 was Alia's last day at Gary's workshop. I could have never imagined it back then, but eventually it also became the last time I saw Alia... It really breaks my heart to think about it now. It is true I got to meet her again in late 2018, but by that time my cornea had deteriorated to such degree, that I could not see her anymore. As a mattter of fact, I was not able to speak with her either, as she had completed the most profound and frightening metamorphosis, whereby she had been transformed into a totally different person who I could not recognize anymore. 

Back then Alia seemed to be more aware of the relevancy of the day than me. Very soon it became clear it was to no avail to hope they would fix the car before Alia's departure. I do not think they even attempted anything. Alia appeared very conflicted and depressed. I am not sure if it was because of the car or because she felt the premonition that she was reaching the end of her marriage. Probably it was a bit a mix of both. I barely saw her throughout the day; I believe she spent most of the day laying down in Gary's Range Rover. I need to admit I did not pay much attention to her that last day. I had basically given up on her. I had got to accept that she was leaving the next day, so I better focus on how I was going to get out of all the mess I found myself into. I do remember thinking I may later regret not making better use of those last moments I could be with Alia; but back then it certainly sounded completely overdramatic to consider that after that day I was not going to see Alia ever again. Needless to say, as it turned out that way, now I certainly regret I did not take the chance to go talk with her, I did not go check on her and listen to her, I did not try to set up some basis from where we could later start working on finding some reconciliation... Basically, I did not try to do anything that could have brought some healing to our relationship, and I certainly feel now sorry about it. Having said that, however, it is also true that I am still rather sure that, like at any other time during our marriage, there was really nothing I could have ever done to change what was eventually going to happen. These feelings of resignation and despair often bring me back to the evening of our argument in Iona NP; that evening I was completely depressed, trying to understand why did I have to endure once again Alia's madness. I just could not believe that was happening to me. In all honesty, I just could not understand what was that I had done to deserve my wife being so stupid that, as we were stranded in the most remote place in Western Africa, all what she could think of was that she wanted her opportunity to fix the car. From the very beginning of our relationship, Alia always felt cursed and feared our marriage was doomed. I never understood those fears. However, today, when I think about it, I just cannot do anything but agree, that all the evidence shows our relationship was indeed doomed from the very beginning. How much does that torment me! Why?!! What have I done to deserve this? We were happy. We never harmed anybody. Why did they not let us happily live our lives?  

Jill called me early in the afternoon to confirm, they were going to send some truck to come pick me and the Land Rover up on Wednesday, at 1pm. So it looked like I was on the right track to resolve the main problem that had been troubling my mind over the last couple of days. I thought, however, once Alia had left I was going to need some deeper knowledge about the car and our stuff, and, for that purpose, it would be good to ask her some questions. Alia definitely seemed better aware we were living our last minutes of our relationship and felt greatly disappointed, frustrated and annoyed that I could only think of using that time to talk about material stuff. It seemed like all along she had been hoping her husband would fight for her, show his love for her and do everything possible to save his marriage. She then could not believe I would not even try to lift a finger. Alia finally verbalized those feelings screaming at me: "you do not know how to treat somebody who is not doing well!!" While now I can understand where Alia was coming from, I also need to admit her complaint left me completely baffled. So, it turned out Alia was feeling really down and she considered it was then my obligation to be especially kind and sweet with her. I have since wondered many times if Alia ever spent a second thinking that perhaps I was not doing very well either, and, if so, did she ever consider whether she was really doing a better job than me, treating somebody that was not doing well?

One of the questions I asked Alia that last afternoon was about the car keys. I knew very well we had three copies; yet, she had only given me two. I asked her if she had any idea of what had happened with the third copy. She knew perfectly well, yet she hesitated for a minute. Then she finally conceded and pulled out the third copy. I have always felt really intrigued and have found it very relevant that she wanted to keep a copy of the Land Rover's keys and she would try to do so secretly. It is clear to me that Alia got really obsessed with the Land Rover and by no means did she want to let it go. I have never been able to make any sense of her reasoning (if there has ever been such): she was leaving Africa. By the most benign interpretation, she was abandoning the Land Rover. She was leaving me with the car broken down in what she would later discribe (in her own words) as: "an incredibly shitty situation with the car there in Cape Town." For goodness sake, eventually I lost the little eye-sight I had left and became blind trying to save the Land Rover!! ...And she has always been totally convinced she deserved to keep it.     

Alia finally decided she had had enough of my stupid questions. We were living our very last minutes together and all what I could think of is to ask her about car parts and hardware stuff. So, she disappeared, probably to go lay down again in Gary's Range Rover. Shortly afterwards it was time for them to leave and go back home. That became the very last time I saw Alia. I am not sure if I got to say anything to her; but she certainly was not interested in engaging in any kind of conversation with me. I remember she getting into the car with Gary. Then, as they were driving away, she screamed at me from inside the car: "You figure it out yourself!" Those were Alia's last words to me; those were Alia's goodby words to me from Africa.

I later learned that evening was actually very difficult for Alia. Gary eventually told me she spent that last evening crying in her bedroom. Every now and then Monica would go check on her and try to comfort her; but it would not be long before she would start crying again. I can tell Alia was feeling really sad. I can also remember that last evening alone at the workshop; it was also really sad for me. Although I could not imagine I was not going to be able to see Alia ever again, I did have some fair understanding it would take a while before we meet again. It was then leaving me in some rather sour feelings to consider the memories of our last moments together would be characterized by my stupid questions and Alia's screams.

That evening painted the darkest side of human nature. Just two months earlier Alia and I had arrived to Cape Town totally euphoric and triumphant. Now, as we were ready to leave, we were completely destroyed and heartbroken: It was the toll life made us pay for Gary's contentment and delight. He could now celebrate that at his age, close to 60 years old, he had just proven he was still able to conquer and break down a young, white, blond, blue-eyed "American SeÑorita". Although, I think that evening he was actually rather annoyed with Alia's irrational and graceless mood. It turned out devouring Alia did not produce that much enjoyment or gratification to Gary. As awkward as it may feel, Gary's triumph did not quite make him any happier after all. Yet, it certainly forever crippled our lives. It is truly heartbraking to see to what extent we generally are completely clueless about what is that really makes us happy. We then go crazy and put the world upside-down to accomplish some stupid goal, that actually does not do much for us, but certainly has a devastating effect on other people's lives. 

Shortly before sunset Alia sent me a text message. Prior to finally getting fed up with my questions, she had assured me she would find out for me the information on a mechanics store in Stellenbosch, where we had bought a part for our Land Rover's Perkins engine during our very first days in Cape Town. For whatever the reasons, her subsequent indignation did not make her change her mind; rather, she kept her word. I then took the chance to write her back to thank her for the information, wish her a good flight back home and tell her I felt sorry we did not find any better way to say goodbye. Shortly afterwards Alia also replied succinctly advising me to "take care of myself". I took it to mean she realized she was leaving me in dire straits and, while she wished me the best, there was nothing else she could do for me. Then, rather than worrying about her, I should focus on doing my best in getting out of the mess where I was in. But more than anything, I understood in her words her very own acknowledgement, that she shared with me that last night in Africa the same feelings of sadness and regret.

On March 2nd, 2016 Alia left Africa and flew back to the U.S.

Alia was a beautiful child, who just wanted to be happy. I think she liked birds so much, because she felt like one: a bird who wanted to fly like any other bird. A bird who wanted to fly with everybody else. And she flew. She had to fight for it, but she fought fiercely, and, of course, she triumphed. She flew and she flew higher than anybody else, because she excelled in anything she tried.

She could do anything and she would excel at it. I was blessed to know it and fly with her. She only needed space to extend her talent. She traveled to all five continents and she was always eager to grow and absorbed something from all the cultures she met. She loved to learn to cook dishes from all over the world. When English could not get her far enough, she learned to speak Spanish, and she was starting to learn German and French. When our Land Rover  could not do it anymore, she would figure out how to fix it. She had study forestry, but when she concluded the BLM was too small for her dreams, she started a new career sawing and doing art. She did not have to worry about the money; because we never allowed money to get in the way of our dreams. One day, five years ago, as she was flying across South Africa, some self-loving asshole threw a rock at her. He wanted to proove he could still hit her and shut her down, no matter how high she was flying. I saw him, but I did not worry: as high as she was flying, nobody would ever be able to get her. I will never hate myself enough for being wrong that one time. Indded Alia got hit, fell and collapsed against the ground. Before she could open her eyes and realize what had happened, those that always have said to love her the most, came over running to cut her wings, so that she will not try to fly away ever again.