New York Farewell Party: Going To A Place, "I'M So Tired of You America".

New York Farewell Party: Going To A Place, "I'M So Tired of You America".

On our way to Spain, we were first going to spend a few days in New York City. Since there are no direct flights from anywhere near Montana to Spain and we had to stop somewhere in the East coast anyway, I got the idea we may as well make a little stop over in NYC. I had been in the City many times, even spent the summer of 1991 as an exchange student in Queens; but Alia had never been there. I have always found NYC a truly fascinating city and was sure Alia was going to love it. Alia has never been in the East coast and loves this kind of very lively and busy cities. The City was beautiful, with still tons of snow. I made sure to take Alia to Brooklyn Heights, for some beautiful scenery of white NYC's skyline. We also went to the top of the Empire State for some awesome pictures. Then, we walked through Central Park, 5th Avenue, Broadway, Chinatown, Brooklyn Bridge, etc. We went to Times Square, Wall Street and the Metropolitan. In addition, Alia also wanted to visit Tiffany's and The American Girl Store in Manhattan. 

Addy was Alia's pick of The very exclusive American Girl doll collection. Everybody in her family was confused why her beautiful white, blue-eyed, blond girl would choose an African American girl born into slavery, as her beloved playmate doll. Alia was the best mother Addy could have ever dremed of. Alia told me stories of, how as a child, she would take care of little Addy, and it was impossible not to feel an immense desire to hug and squeeze her very tightly. Alia liked to explain how, as a child, she would ask to do some chores, so that she could earn some money that she would later use to buy Addy's very expensive dresses. Alia would never had any money to buy herself any clothes, but she would still spend stupid amounts of money to pay for Addy's very fancy and expensive dresses. I find it rather disturbing and distressing how Alia, like so many girls these days, was raised to be a strong, independent woman, because, apparently, it is so wrong to allow girls to dream about being a Princess. I do not know how is that we have all somehow concluded, a girl cannot possibly ever dream of being a Princess, but those were always artificial values imposed on girls by traditional societies. However, despite the values her mother tried to instill in her, Alia had an undeniable, immense, innate love for children. Everytime we came across some children, Alia could not refrain from starting running after them. Then, she would go on elaborating on what is the right way of parenting children. It was really sad to hear Alia admit with a hint of regret, how she felt it was not socially well accepted for a woman to only be a housewife. For example, I always found it interesting, in the long list of Alia's dreams so constantly enumerated by her parents, her undeniable desire to have children was never remembered.

It is definitely very disturbing to experience to what extent we are nowadys brainwashed to perceive motherhood as a sacrifice. One of today's journalists' favorite narratives is the story of the endless women, who renounced to their talents and gave up their promising careers, in order to dedicate themselves to raise a family. Yet, I do not think there is any more wonderful and fulfilling life-journey than having children. I cannot imagine any more beautiful act - as painful as it surely is -, than to give birth to your own baby. There is definitely not any project as exciting as shaping your child from birth to a grown-up person. We are these days indoctrinated in the unquestionable docma, whereby traditional societies have always discriminated against women. I am really not that certain if that was actually the case. However, if it was, I wonder if perhaps it was a natural reaction to how God and or Nature might have discriminated against men. Women were not only graced with the privilege of an essential and crucial role in human existence and the human experience, but they also seem to be gifted with a better insight or sensitivity for the value of love. I have little doubt of how fundamental love is in any person's happiness. For some reason, women appear to feel this relationship more clearly. I believe, perhaps, women have a greater sensitivity for children's love, whereas men are more driven to pursue women's love. Either way, happiness is not possible without love. Much to women's blessing, they seem to me more aware of this reality.

I have sometimes heard that, for a woman's mental health, she needs to have some intercourse with some minimum frequency. Since I am not a woman, I have little clue whether that is accurate or not. However, I do think it applies to men. Regardless, what I am much more certain about is that, far more than sex, for our mental health, we all, women and men, need a little soak of love every now and then. Now, I think we can all agree that, if there is any intense, wholehearted expression of love, that is the hug of a child. Without a doubt, nothing like a good child's hug to fill any soul's heart with life and get it going for quite a while.      

Undoubtedly, very few people in our lives will ever leave nearly as much of an imprint on us as our parents. Furthermore, since women were blessed with such a front-and-center role in the inception and upbringing of children, it is only very rarely that our mother will not have an unique, very special place in our hearts. Probably, the best example I can think of is that of George Floyd: in the last moments of his life, as he was helplessly lying on the ground, desperately grasping for a breath of air, that would allow him to stay alive for just a bit longer, he was certain to dedicate his very last words to his mother. Even when she had long passed away, a big, strong man like George Floyd could only trust and think of his mother to come to his help and rescue. If only for those very last thoughts, I have no doubt that George Floyd's mother felt her whole life justified. I do not think any man will ever be able to experience such a feeling. The bond between mother and child is obviously a female's prerogative and purview, rooted in the earliest memories of the baby's mind, which no man will ever be able to even touch upon, unless the mother consents to it.

There is so something very disingenuous behind the mantra whereby motherhood is a sacrifice. I understand some folks may, for example, feel a passion for the design and building of new homes, where people can live comfortably. It also must be really rewarding to make a living from healing other human beings; if only it would always go that way. Personally, I am convinced that there is no field as fascinating as Brain Research. Yet, above all, I do not think there is anything that can be compared to the project of shaping a new person from birth to adulthood. Not only is it the most beautiful and rewarding endeavor; but one of utmost significance and relevance. 

During my childhood, my father cared for me and was a good father, but, undoubtedly, my mother was the person who shaped my character. Definitely, my values are mostly those which my mother instilled on me. Now, if that is the case, and my values are what guide my choices and actions in life, it only seems reasonable to conclude, that my accomplishments are in a way also my mother's accomplishments. If I strive to be a good person, it definitely is because my mother taught me so. Obviously, something different is whether she got it right or not (...and I have held steadfast to it). I certainly do not agree in everything with my mother (she is, for example, much like Robyn, a feminist; and I am evidently not); but I can absolutely trust that everything she taught me was always most honestly with my wellbeing front-and-center in her mind. Thus, even if I may not always agree with all the values my mother may have tried to instill on me; I definitely would not want it any other way.

Indeed, today I see with horror how the Media is taking, more and more, over this critical role of establishing the set of values and morals for everybody to follow. We all know that the most terrifyingly authoritarian regimes in human history wer those like Sparta, where the government took full control over the children's upbringing, and therefore held and exerted total command over its citizens' minds. In Sparta they never had to worry about freedom of speech, since, from their youngest days, Big Brother had already instructed them all on how to think and what to think. In fact, it turns out in Sparta everybody felt and thought the same, and that is why they were all 'Spartan'. Now, while the government may have some legitimate claim to represent the will of the people (for example, even Sparta recognized its male citizens' right to vote at the Ekklesia popular assembly), the Media definitely does not. As much as the Press, or the Media in general, may propagandize itself as the voice of the people or the public opinion, fact of the matter is that nobody has ever voted for or authorized the anonymous and unaccountable group of individuals in control of the Media to speak on our behalf; let alone to represent us. If, at least, we would ever be able to democratically elect our journalists and (as we do with our judges) put them comfortably on the taxpayers' payroll - so that they could be free and independent from the sway of any Media-outlet magnate -; it would be reasonable to trust, that the information they provide is objective and accurate to the best of their knowledge, and their opinions are honest. In absence of any such legitimacy, it is really awkward and frightening to observe to what extent we have succumb to submissively accept the Media's absolute and all-encompassing power and moral authority to lecture us on what is right and what is wrong on all aspects of life, indoctrinate us on what to think and how to think, and, once we have all finally voted, take over our voices to supervise our legitimate representatives. It is very unsettling to compare the richness of ideas flowing around all over in the Classic period and even more so in the XIX and early XX centuries, with today's monotonic and monolithic political-correctness docma. Back in the days, the greeks went to any length of debate discussing what would be the best form of government. Afterwards, catalysed by the French Revolution, endless philosophical treaties and manuscripts defending Monarchy, Liberalism, Socialism, Capitalism, Anarchism, Autocracy, etc. started coming out every year; but, since Media finally extended its reach to the deepest confines of the society, we all have come to understand that our so-called 'Bipartisan Representative-democratic' regime is supreme; because, while admittedly it may not be perfect, it is certainly better than nothing. Oh well... it is just too bad that our political system is such a mess. Hence, , as educated and wise as intellectuals may be, I rather have my mother take care of my upbringing; thank you very much. After all, I know for a fact that she put all her best wishes, ideals and energies to make of me the best person she could craft, and she would certainly hate to see all her work ruined by an obscure and unstrustworthy bunch of individuals, as it is and has usually been the case. As a matter of fact, Perhaps we can find here the origin of the eternal misunderstanding and discord between husband and wife, father and mother: while the husband is centered on his own endeavor and glory, and needs his wife to support and love him (much like his own mother) for it; the mother is focused on her own little endeavors and expects their father to dedicate himself to them as well. While men are focused on the present, women are thinking and working on the future; clearly, both are fundamental.               

   

Thus, I am afraid that, at the end of the day, it is too difficult to know, if God and or Nature discriminated against men, traditional societies discriminated against women, or modern Western societies discriminate against men. Clearly, it is always possible to find arguments in favor or against any position., and they will all sound really convincingly, as long as a sufficient number of individuals voice such opinion. I often hear the complaint that women, at some point in their lives, have to choose whether they want to continue pursuing their professional careers or they rather have children. However, I do not know what is wrong about having multiple options. I had come to understand that liberty is about the freedom to make one's own choices in life. In fact, I would absolutely love to be able to make such a choice in my life; but I am well aware that I will never get the opportunity. I understand it is really disappointing that we are uncapable to pursue two endeavors simultaneously, and carry both of them out brilliantly; but this is a curse that we both, men and women, need to learn to live with.  

At the end of the day, the argument is not only futile, but also artificial and malicious. It has the same use as the left and right hand arguing against each other about which one got it better, which one contributes more to the whole or which of the two is better. Indeed, women and men, we are both just different expressions of the same human concept.

Many years ago I met a woman; let us call her Mariana. She was born in the early XX century, so, by the time I met her, Mariana was already an old woman. Her father was a medical doctor and it seems therefore reasonable to guess that she came from a well-of family. Mariana never told me herself - I only learned it years after her passing -, but as a child and young girl she had wished to become a medical doctor as her father, when she grew up. Regretedly, Mariana would never be able to make her dream come true; her father opposed it. It turned out her father was of the belief that medical doctor was not a profession for a woman, as if women would not be fit to practice medicine. However, to make it up a little bit, he alternatively offered his daughter to support her to become a pharmacist. Apparently, in his view, pharmacist was a job suited for women. He therefore paid for her education and, when she graduated, bought her a pharmacy.      

Mariana always felt - and very reasonably so - discriminated. If she had been a boy, she would have been able to realize her dream of becoming a doctor. However, since she was a girl, she never could. However, all in all, if we zoom out and analyze the case on a wider perspective, it would be difficult to argue that Mariana was not a privileged person. Indeed, in her times, back in the early XX century, the majority of the kids, girls and boys, could have never dreamed of ever even going to college. In fact, many years afterwards, Mariana's grandson would not be able to enroll in the school he wanted, in order to pursue the career he dreamed of; because his mother could not afford to pay for it. I also remember one of my South African friends expressing his distress for all the great female mathematicians the world is losing, because girls are not encouraged enough to get into the sciences. Yet, he had never entertained the thought of his many black countrymen, women and men, who never had any access to education, due to their low socio-economic origin. We have all heard moving stories on the inspiring lives of the many pioneers in the fight for civil rights, like for example the suffragists or the first blacks who tried to pursue an university degree. While there are certainly good and powerful reasons to feel upset and appalled for the discrimination many people faced along History because of their gender, race, religion, sexual orientation, etc.; we should not allowed to be distracted from the most-real, overall-underlying problem suffered still today by a majority of the population, who do not have access to nearly-the-same opportunities, due to their low socio-economic status. Indeed, we find these days that politicians, people in the Media and public figures alike are eager to express their deepest concern and condemnation against any act of discrimination based on gender, race, religion, sexual orientation, etc. , but nothing meaningful is ever done to tackle the enormous socio'economic inequalities in current society. Yet, low socio-economic status is the underlying cause behind most discrimination today. This is obviously not to say that there is not something such as discrimination based on, for instance, race or religion; but the actual underlying cause for the degrading treatment is generally the victim's low socio-economic condition. Without a doubt, most of the prejudices based on  race, religion, sexual orientation, etc. disappear as soon as enough money is appreciated... Fortunately, any woman can now become a doctor, although the chances for those coming from the low classes are much lower, while their chances to, for example, become unemployed, experience health problems or be incarcerated are much higher. Aristocrats, and then bourgeois, have always had a way of getting the downtrodden to protest, in order for the government to solve the problems, struggles and injustices experienced by them, while life remains the same for everybody else. So now the wealthy has the right to hire a powerful lawyer to get his way in court; while the downtrodden cannot afford any real option for a decent legal defense. Similarly, today the upper classes use the Media to say whatever they want; while everybody else is muted. It is certainly appalling and intolerable that a bunch of idiots make racist remarks to black sportsmen in a stadium; but, if a newspaper wants to drill and propagandize the mantra that Mohammed and, by extension, Muslims are terrorists - despite the much more profound and wider fracture and damage it causes on our society -, we appreciate it as a courageous expression of freedom of speech. At least we can console ourselves thinking, that the Suffragists obtained the right to vote for all women (not just for the upper classes); although it turns out it is for little use, since evidently little has changed (...well, except, perhaps, that now the privileged has been able to consolidate its privileged status even more). It is certainly an interesting irony that, when the government was in the hands of monarchs and aristocrats, the people had no rights or whatsoever to protect them from it. Yet, now that the people has supposedly taken power from the noble folks and is finally in control, we find that the upper classes have drafted the constitution with a comprehensive set of rights checking the people's government, and protecting from it those who can afford a professional legal defense to have their rights enforced.

Still, nothing changes the fact that Mariana's father's position was very sad and disappointing. As much as it can be argued that it was only the natural expression of the mentality at the time, I find it very difficult to justify. My mother, and apparently Robyn as well, lived a similar experience. My grandmother, probably even more so than Mariana's father, was of the belief that women's place in life is having children. However, my grandparents were mere peasants and had very limited resources. My grandmother was the one running the house and, given her mentality, it is then of no surprise that she determined, that all the family's resources would be focused on her sons' education. Unfortunately, probably due to my grandmother's own lack of education, she, apparently much like Robyn's mother, could not find any better way to argue, or simply enforce,  her decision, than to allege that her daughter lacked sufficient intelligence to be able to benefit from any education. Since I want to believe that my grandmother did not have any real intention to hurt her daughter, I am ready to trust that, if all my grandmother's life centered around her children, she had only wanted to adviced to her daughter to take the path in life, which had worked for her and she honestly felt would make her happier. There is indeed a contradiction in the fact, that we would chastise Robyn's mother for telling her daughter she should dedicate her life to having children; but we fervently applaud and praise Robyn for telling her daughter that she should go to graduate school (at least, Robyn's mother had enjoyed the experience and knew what she was talking about; whereas Robyn had never gone to graduate school, so I wonder where is that she got it from). Still, after all, probably the mistake simply lies in steering or instructing your child what it should do with its life in the first place. The way I see it, it was as mistaken for Robyn to tell her daughter, that she expected her to go to graduate school; as it was for Robyn's mother to tell her daughter, that her role in life was to have children. It seems to me that, at this time, we have finally reached a stage, where we can understand that neither parents, politicians or the Media should tell any kid what to be in life. I think that such a crucial decision should be taken by everyone on his or her own: If your life has to be wrecked and you are going to spend the balance of it lamenting the choice of path to follow; at least you better wreck it yourself, rather than having somebody do it for you.  

In New York, Alia also wanted very badly to go visit Tiffany's. Robyn and Alia had watched "Breakfast at Tiffany's" and had fantasized many times with Tiffany's. Alia felt very sorry Robyn could not be there with her. So, the first think she wanted to do after she stepped out of the store was to call Robyn and tell her how it was. If she could not have her there in person, at least she wanted to give her a virtual tour. Alia indeed always had this deep feeling of being in debt to her mother for "all what she had done for her.

Alia will forever remember all those beautiful times in her childhood, where she will sit next to the heater and listen to her mother read children books to her. She also told me about those times that her mother would go with her to her favorite spot at the river to play Narnia. Years later, she would go to that same place, with Robyn and with me, to do her Phenology study. That is also where I proposed her. 

Alia cherishes her childhood very much and Robyn is certainly an essential part of it. There were so numerous times where Alia told me she wished her mother were there with her or could take her mother with her somewhere; so that Robyn could also enjoy some special moment with her. Then she would firmly confess: "She deserves it". When we were in Mexico, she told me she wished one day she could take her mother to one of those beaches and play together with the waves: "She deserves it." when we were back in Missoula, after we went to the waterpark, she told me she still wanted to also go with her mother play in the labyrinth, like they both had done so many times: "She deserves it". When we were in NYC, she told me she wished her mother were there, so that they could both visit Tiffany's together: "She deserves it". Interestingly, two rather conflicting and contradicting feelings lived together in Alia's mind: on one hand Alia was resentful her mother these days never seemed to be able to feel happy for her; but, on the other hand, she felt she owed her mother so much.  

This deep feeling of gratitude towards her mother was, however, in striking contrast with the harsh criticism she otherwise frequently expressed against several other of her close relatives. It always bewildred me why she had become so judgmental and bitter against some of the people, who had contributed the most to her life: her deceased, biological father, her maternal grandpa Don, her paternal grandma Gail, her uncle Scott, etc. It seems to me that a very good example of this kind of unfair, severe judgments is Alia's grandpa Don. Alia always enjoyed telling me how wonderful her childhood had been. Since she had been the first and only child in the family for most of her childhood, she had been everybody's center of attention. She believed to have "missed out on all the fun of playing with siblings", but that was not a big deal, since, for that purpose, she also had the adult members of her family. Alia's maternal grandma Maureen was struggling with cancer, but she would instruct her husband to get off the couch and go play with his granddaughter. Don would obey without question and present himself to his granddaughter's orders. Don would so become Alia's main playmate. Alia would think for a minute what kind of adventure she wanted to live that day, and then she would start delivering instructions to her grandpa. Sometimes she felt like climbing trees and some other times she wanted to go look for lizards she could torture. I think Alia's favorite was to build forts. I guess Don would give some valuable feedback; but I am sure Alia was the boss. However, unfortunately, when Alia's grandma finally succumbed to cancer, the family fell apart. Shortly after Don started a relationship with another woman and, to Alia's eyes, he completely abandoned his family. I always found it really sad and unfair how severe Alia judged her grandfather. It seemed like she did not keep any appreciation for all what he had done for her. Moreover, Alia had already become a teenager, and I do not know what else is that she still expected her grandfather to do for her. A similar case, though perhaps not as stark, was Alia's uncle Scott. He had also spent a lot of time playing with Alia, when she was little. Yet, Alia complained that after he married and subsequently separated, he turned into a different person: He ended up staying with Robyn until she had to kick him out, because he would sit the whole day in front of his computer, doing nothing. However, having recently gone through a break-up, it does not look like the treatment he received was very kind or understanding. Furthermore, I have always found it annoying how quickly some people assume that whoever spends several hours in front of a computer could not possibly be doing any kind of useful work. I have sure spent endless hours working really hard at my computer. Yet, I have still had to take lectures on work ethics from people, who never even put half as much effort in their jobs as me. Finally, as far as I know, Robyn's apartment did not even belonged to her; but to Alia's great-grandmother Georgia. I am therefore not very sure what kind of legitimacy she had to kick his brother out.            

Little by little I came to learn there was a strong correlation between Alia's and Robyn's judgments on the different members of the family. A good example of this fact are Alia's parental grandparents Gail and Wally. While Alia was able to talk Wally into coming to terms with Robyn and re-establish a good relationship; Gail has apparently always remained resentful against Robyn for her son's suicide. It then does not come to a surprise to me, that Alia is very fond of her grandpa Wally, whereas she has always been very critic and judgmental of her grandmother Gail, with whom I do not think she has ever kept much of a relationship. Needless to say, Robyn's relationship with Gail is as bitter, if not inexistent; whereas she keeps repeating how much she loves Wally. Awkwardly, she would address her father-in-law as "Dad", whereas she would refer to her own dad as her "sperm donor". Supposedly, Don brought the bacon home; but had otherwise little interaction with the children. But, even if that had been true, it does not seem to me that back in those days it would have been much differently in any other family. On the other hand, when the time came to sign the new mortgage for the house, Don was there to support her daughter, whereas Wally declined, arguing he did not have the financial resources Robyn needed.    

But, undoubtedly, the saddest and most disturbing of all to me was to hear the kind of harsh image Alia had formed in her mind about her deceased, biological father, Scott. The least severe fault Alia had come to believe about her father was that he was a slacker. He would, for example, nap in his taxi, instead of driving around looking for customers. Now, here there is no doubt where all these horror stories come from. In fact, it seems like Robyn never found anything good to say to Alia about her father. But, instead, went as far as telling her, that her father was a very unstable man, who used to beat up her mother on a regular basis, and finally kidnapped her for several months, only to returned her to her mother just before commiting suicide. However, Robyn's account then gets rather confusing, when she also argues that she finally had to take her baby and leave her husband, fearing he may eventually snap. Either Alia's father did not quite kidnapped her, or Robyn could not have taken the baby and left her husband; but it is certainly very difficult to fit both of these statements together. Furthermore, it turns out that what actually happened was that Alia's father left Robyn and decided to take the baby with him. He, however, did not go hide in some obscure place; but simply returned to his parents. Now, Alia is not aware of anything her mother ever may have tried to get her back. Alia obviously never enjoyed thinking about the subject. Clearly, there was no way to reconcile all what she had been told by her mother with all what she knew. Alia was aware that it would be too painful and too perturbing to find out the truth.