GOODBYE ROBYN

 GOODBYE ROBYN

That summer Alia got a job at the Bureau of Land Management (BLM), which, with the government shut-down of 2013, lasted all through November. Also those months, during the times off, she started sewing an amazing Civil-War-Era gown, that she then so proudly wore at the 'Dia de los Muertos' Parade, which is celebrated in Missoula every November 2nd.

It was also during that summer that we were driving one afternoon from Daniel's cabin in Rock Creek back to Missoula. We had not yet reached the highway when Alia asked me what kind of plan I could think of for our lives once she had finished her job at the BLM. I thought I would suggest the idea of going for one last adventure - the kind of thing we would no longer be able to do once we had formed a family -, before settling down. I was rather cautious and vague in my suggestion, because it was an important question and we had never talked about it before, so I had no clue what her position was. Alia was not the kind of person who does not have an opinion on her own and only does as told. Rather, she could get quite intimidating if anybody suggested anything she did not want to hear. Alia, however, got immediately excited with my suggestion and kept asking I clarify more in detail what I had in mind. So I said we could go to some undeveloped place and gave the example of Africa. Alia said perhaps we could backpack, but I noted, at that point, we could make it easier on us and travel by car. Alia asked again for more details. So I explained we could buy a 4x4 in Spain and drive from there into Africa. Alia had noticed I was being very cautious spelling out my ideas, so she finally told me she had also thought of something like that and I did not need to be so cautious, since a plan of that sort also sounded really good to her. She liked the idea so much, that we had not yet reached the highway to Missoula, and we had already decided we would go to Africa shortly after she finish at the BLM. Alia was so excited with the plan that, when we arrived back home, she had not quite stopped the car yet, and she had already jumped out and was running towards Robyn to tell her the great news. Robyn almost got a heartattack. Alia and I joked about that many times. 

Alia actually got disappointed with the fact that her mother  did not seem to share her excitement. As a matter of fact, Robyn herself was disappointed too. I need to admit, I have always been able to understand Robyn's dispondency: in fact, she had just gone through quite a lot of stress and pain saving the house for Alia, and now she was telling her we were leaving. I tried to calm Robyn down anticipating it would not happen that quickly. As a matter of fact, eventually, it took us, it took me, more than a year to get ready and I do not think Alia ever quite forgave me for being so slow at getting ready to leave). Still, it was disappointing for Robyn to see Alia go, after she had made all that effort to save the house. Alia had broken her heart just a couple of months earlier, when she started weeping, after Robyn had told her Alia's uncle wanted to put the house for sale.

On the other hand, I have also always understood Alia's disappointment. For all her life, she had been told her mother would always share her happiness; her mother would always be happy for those  really amazing moments that would come her way. However, she had been slowly realizing that was only the case when those moments of joy would bring her close to her mother. That was particularly striking when Alia told Robyn we were going to marry.

That afternoon, Robyn was sleeping  on the couch. We got in and Alia tabbed her on the shoulder to wake her up and blatantly stated: "Robyn!, Robyn!, wake up! I need to tell you something. We are getting married" (yes, Alia has always been awful choosing the worst, most abrupt way to deliver those big, life-changing decisions). Robyn remained lying there, for the next few minutes, looking up towards Alia, with her mouth open, not knowing what to say, still trying to figure out if it was real or she was still asleep and this was all part of a nightmare. When she finally reacted, she became immediately worried about Alia's dreams, fearing, or so she said, that marrying me would force her to give up her dreams: going to graduate school, joining the Peace Corps.. Alia finally clarified: "C'mon Robyn, it's not like I am pregnant." However, Robyn explained that would be better: for her to be pregnant, would be better than to marry me. With that Robyn revealed her concerns for Alia's dreams were not at all sincere: without a doubt, if she had got pregnant, her dreams had got affected far more than by marrying me. 

As a matter of fact, Robyn knew that better than any of us, since Robyn has never had any concern explaining to Alia the kind of big sacrifices she had to make when she had her: as a young woman, she was living in Seattle and had this awesome job at Princess, but had to give all that up when she got pregnant with Alia. I also witnessed Robyn talking to Alia, bitching about her deceased mother refusing to ever give her a hand babysitting Alia. Robyn was young and wanted to go out and party, but her mother (who apparently was very religious and was slowly dying of cancer throughout Alia's childhood) thought it was her responsibility to stay at home taking care of her baby.

 

It turned out, Robyn has quite some mother problems. Robyn has always complained her mother never loved her enough. She likes to refer to an episode in her late childhood, where a friend pointed out to her mother how beautiful she was. Her mother then looked at her and noticed her child was kind of beautiful. Robyn alleges this was the first time her mother ever looked at her. 

Despite her mother problems, Robyn makes quite a drama every new Year's. She explains that is a very difficult day for her, where she needs a lot of love and support, because that is the time her mother died.

Robyn was the oldest of three siblings. I have seen in many people (for example, my older sister), how difficult it is, particularly for little girls, that very traumatic moment where a new baby arrives into the family, and she is no longer the queen of the house and the whole center of her parents' attention. I am ready to understand Robyn's struggles trying to keep her mother's attention. However, that does not justify her using her daughter to satisfy her own needs for love and affection. Robyn may think she did better than her mother, by covering Alia with all the love she missed in her own childhood; but Robyn will never want to understand, how much she has hurt Alia, by insisting in always and forever  staying so close to her.   

New Zealand will always have a special place in Alia's heart. Whenever Alia talked about her life, she would always like to explain how New Zealand changed her forever. New Zealand helped her open up and get out of the depression of her teenage years. New Zealand taught Alia how to enjoy life again:

"In the summer of 2009, I went to New Zealand and my life was changed forever. Spending a month planting trees and partying with a group of international college students opened me up. I became more extroverted, and was not so serious about life anymore. New Zealand taught me how to have fun again."

"My first trip outside the country also gave me a deep desire to travel around the world, but for the next couple years, there didn't seem to be any opportunities for me leave."

However, that summer of 2009, everytime she talked from New Zealand with her mother, she will get very confused hearing Robyn tell her how she was feeling some force that pulled her towards the ground. As her daughter was in New Zealand, on the other side of the world, there was some very strong force coming from Alia, that would penetrate Earth in New Zealand, go across the planet, through the center of Earth and emerge back to the surface in Missoula to pull Robyn towards the ground, towards Alia.

Alia was having in New Zealand the time of her life; discovering the world and life outside her family for the very first time, and Robyn was telling her she should feel some force pulling her back towards her mother in Missoula. Alia was enjoying that very special time in any human being's life, where she was not "mommy's child" anymore, but finally had earned the opportunity to proove  she was: Alia, a grown-up person, ready to fight, work and pursue her dreams in life on her own. Yet, Robyn showed up here to burst the bubble and tell her it was time to come back home with mommy. It really troubled Alia's mind and hurt her very deeply to witness, again and again, her mother was not able to be happy for her. 

Alia and I had not even been together for a whole month and Alia was already writing me how much she feared how my family would perceive her; what my family would think of her. I was quick to try to calm her down, explaining, in my case, there were no reasons to worry. In my case, the only opinion I would listen to and care about, if at all, would be my mother's. Yet, I was sure my mother would never take it against my wife; try to attack her or hurt her. I knew that from how she has always treated her son-in-laws and how she has always explained those relationships. Like any good mother, she has always wished the best for her children. Then, it has always been clear to her, the best way to help her child in life was not to hurt the person her child had chosen to share his life with. Yes, there are other mothers who prefer to think her child is perfect and therefore believe her son- or daughter-in-law is not good enough and does not quite deserve her child. That has certainly never been my mother's point of view. As a matter of fact, that had been my mother's unfortunate experience with her mother-in-law and it was very hurtful: it hurt her very deeply how her mother-in-law treated her when, at the age of 21, not knowing a word of Spanish, she left Switzerland in 1966 to marry my father and settle down in 1966 undeveloped Spain. My mother knew she did not want to do the same to another innocent person. Unfortunately, Alia had a lot of insecurities, so there was really nothing I could say that would help dissipate her worries.

On the other hand, fortunately for Alia, there was nothing that had led anybody to think she would have to meet my parents anytime soon: we had not married yet, I did not have any plan to move to Spain, Alia did not have any intention to leave the U.S. anytime soon and my parents certainly had no plan to come visit me in Montana. However, life sometimes takes this kind of twisted, unexpected turns and Alia found herself in Madrid the very next Christmas, ready to meet my mother, who had come visit from Nothern Spain. 

No problemo, everything went as well as I had said, if not better. Alia and my mother immediately established a perfect connection. In Alia's own words, they established "a secret alliance". It certainly helped my mother was able to explain to Alia, it was easy for her to understand what Alia was going through: indeed, my mother could see herself in Alia, 50 years earlier, when she arrived to Spain from Switzerland to marry my father. I had already told Alia about that and how my father had not always been the nicest refraining from taking advantage of my mother's very weak position []. So, my mother and Alia were now together, watching that I would be better to Alia than what my father had sometimes been to my mother. Fact of the matter is my mother has always strongly trusted my good judgement. Obviously, I knew Alia better than what my mother did, and I also know best what my needs are and what is that I want in life. So, if I had chosen Alia as the person I wanted to share my life with, my mother did not think there was anything else for her to say and she did not need to make her own assessment of Alia. Rather, my mother just felt happy I had been able to find somebody wanting to walk through life with me. My mother was grateful Alia loved her son and she could only be proud for whatever qualities she had instilled in me that may have helped Alia to choose me as the person she wanted to share her life with.

   

The three of us alone spent some perfect Christmas in my sister's house in Madrid (my sister's family had left town to go ski), but, just a couple of days before leaving, my mother screwed up and allowed a little crack to open in the ideal relationship with Alia: my mother pointed out Alia, being only 21 years old, was very, very young. That hurt Alia very deeply; Alia felt betrayed. Alia found it really disrespectful, because" "When someone tells you you are basically a child, it hurts very badly, it feels as if they believe you have no knowledge, no experience". Alia wrote that to me a few days later in her email of January 9th 2011:

"The other day, I was really hurt by your mother telling me I was a teenager.  I know you have explained why this is, but let me tell you something more.

I want your mother´s respect.  I want her to grow to love me.  I respect your mother, and very quickly after meeting her, knew I liked her. When she commented about me being a teenager, it hurt me very badly.  All I want from her is respect, and when she said that, I felt betrayed.  Over those days, I had thought she did respect me, and when she said that, I felt she actually didn´t respect me as I had thought.  

You should understand this.  When someone tells you you are basically a child, it hurts very badly, it feels as if they believe you have no knowledge, no experience.  

I have worked very hard in life.  I have been working my butt off for years, and it was all to gain people´s respect for my efforts.  

As you should know, I did not just leave my parents house.  I have not depended on my parents for a quite a while, in fact, I often have to take care of them.  I do not appreciate being told I am a teenager, because I have worked my ass off like an adult since before I could vote.  It is painful to not recieve the respect I have worked so hard for.  It is painful for all that work to be ignored.  

Now, I know your mother does not know my story.  But, this does not change how it made me feel."

Yet, life then took again another twisted and unexpected turn and we had to leave Madrid a few days later to go stay with my parents in their home in Navarra, where Alia would celebrate her 22nd birthday one month later. For that occasion, Robyn decided to send her a package. It was a big box and we kept thinking how expensive it should have been to ship such a big thing all the way from Montana to Spain. But it was great, because Alia was in need of a lot of stuff. She was going to be in Europe for the next several months and, for example, she barely had any clothes. When she left Missoula the previous Fall to go backpacking with me across Central America, she could only fit so much in her backpack. Robyn asked, however, to be present when Alia opened the package on her birthday. Thus, we set up a Skype  video call together, so that Robyn could participate of the special moment. We were all very excited, when Alia opened the box and started pulling things out. We could not wait to find out all the good stuff Robyn had put inside. First a bag full of airballoons came out . Next was another plastic bag: I had no clue what it was. It turned out it was cake icing. Alia kept digging inside the box, but all what she could find was stuff for a children party. Robyn wanted so badly to see her little kid screaming in excitement, so amazed and thrilled with the birthday-party that, thanks to her was now ready to start, but Alia struggled trying to fake it. She did not want to break her mother's heart and look ungrateful, but she really did not need any of that stuff. She was now 22 and therefore a grown up woman. She was not a five year old child anymore and did not feel like having a children party at that time. 

My mother had witnessed the whole scene and was in total disbelief. Needless to say, she found it really awkward Alia had got mad at her, just because she pointed out Alia was very, very young; but now her own mother was infantilizing and humiliating her, before her in-laws, in such an obscene way. My mother, obviously, wondered if Alia did not have anything to say about that. ALia was certainly hurt and upset. She argued to me her mother, of course, did not need to send all that party paraphernelia all the way from Montana: she could have just got it herself from the store across the street, and her mother could have used the money she paid for shipping to send something more useful. She certainly was not going to make a cake with all that mix. She was rather upset, because, she explained, she could not understand why Robyn would send her this icing, when she knew perfectly well Alia hated it.

Nevertheless, Alia could obviously not react the same way to her mother, than to her mother-in-law. Alia liked my mother, but she absolutely loved her mother. Alia, being a single child, has always had a very strong emotional dependency from her mother. Alia knew she could complain as much as she wanted ; but her mother would never stop treating her as a child. Alia had energetically complained many times about it; but that only earned her an unpleasant and sour argument with her mother. It certainly never made Robyn refrain the tiniest bit of continueing infantilizing her. Robyn argued Alia was her child, hence she had the right of treating her as her child; without the tiniest regard of how much that could hurt her. To some extend, Alia was also getting used to it and was not quite that certain anymore she was right and her mother was wrong; perhaps that was how most mothers treat their daughters. On the other hand, Robyn was firm and determined to continue exercising her right to infantilize Alia until she would submit. And Alia, indeed, finally did submit...     

   

When Alia was little and needed guidance, her mother was not interested in tutoring her child through life. Rather, she prefered to present herself to her daughter as 'best friend', treating her child like an adult peer, allowing her the freedom to take very important decisions (like start doing drugs at 11 or drop out of school at 14) and support her, regardless of how much that would hurt and limit her in the future. Now, however, that Alia was an adult, Robyn deemed necessary to stay vigilant of Alia's childhood dreams, in case she would ever try to betray them and run away from her.

Christmas 2011 was not a very happy time for us. Rolf, our beloved Volkswagen Golf, got broken in in Prague. We had not been able to find any Couchsurfing host to celebrate Christmas with in Prague, so we just had to find some hostel. It also added to our stress, that Alia needed to decide, if she wanted to return to Missoula to resume classes for the Spring semester, or she preferred to continue her journey across Europe. She was in a torn, because she certainly felt homesick, she certainly missed her mother, missed her family, friends, school and Missoula; but she also did not want to miss the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to travel across Europe.  She knew she was never going to get another chance for a journey like that, where as life will always continue bringing her endless moments of love and joy with her mother, with her family, with her friends and at school. So, she finally decided to stay in Europe, complete the journey and then return to Missoula for the Fall semester in August 2012. As a matter of fact, it turned out it was a good decision, because, eventually, she had it all.

On Christmas Day of 2011, after touring Prague during the day, we returned to the hostel to have some dinner. Right after finishing eating, Alia went straight to the computer, where she remained for a long time. I kept seeing her so very focused, with her eyes stuck on the computer screen and kept wondering what she was doing for so long, that kept her so absorbed. Finally, I passed by, but she was no longer there: she had disappeared. I wondered where she had gone, but did not have any idea. I kept looking around the hostel, but could not find her anywhere. Finally, I went to look in the dorm, but the light was off. I turned on the light and then I saw her, lying on the bed crying. I was very confused, shocked and sad to find her crying in the dark, all alone in the room. I wondered what happened, why was she so sad. I asked her what was wrong. She told me she had been talking to her mother, she had told her she had decided to stay in Europe and she did not appreciate her mother's reaction. I asked her what had happened, She explained she did not want to talk much about it. Alia has always loved her mother enough that she never liked to bitch about her mother to me; she did not think it would be good. But she was very sad and perturbed: it hurt her very deeply her mother could not just be happy for her. As it had happened in New Zealand, she was living one of the most wonderful experiences a person could ever have, and Robyn was telling her she needed to go back home with her.

The excuse was again Alia's dreams. Robyn reminded Alia she was failing to her responsibilities with her education. But Robyn has never wanted to accept travel was also one of Alia's biggest dreams. She made that very clear in her July 23 2010 email (...). It had been a very long discussion, so, unavoidably, at some point I also became part of the conversation. Alia needed to explain it was also going to be difficult for her to be again alone in Montana, while I had to stay in Europe, waiting for my visa. Moreover, it had always been really disturbing for Alia's parents to hear her daughter (very remarkably) admit she was not quite perfect, she had not always been very nice to me sometimes she had even been very mean to me. Robyn then alleged all the sacrifices Alia had made for me; pointing out how difficult it had been for Alia to give up everything to go with me. What Robyn will never be able to understand is that Alia already tried twice the option of staying alone in Missoula, and it did not work. 

One week after our wedding, I had to leave the country, but Alia needed to stay in Missoula for her summer job at the Forest Service. However, some weeks after my departure Alia was feeling lonely, sad and depressed. She was really outspoken and expressive about it in her August 2010 emails (...). I was doing fine traveling across beautiful Sierra Tarahumara in Northwestern Mexico, but felt bad for Alia, so, I suggested we could meet in Cancun and spend one week in the Mayan Riviera. I had been there in 2006 [], visited Chichen Itza, Valladolid, Tulum, Playa del Carmen, etc. and was sure Alia was going to love it as well. Even when Alia made some nice income that summer, I had not had any income for the previous couple of years and I have always been known to be very stingy, I took care of her airticket and all expenses during the trip. Oh well... I guess, after all, I did care a little bit about her and her well being...!! Alia was indeed dying for us to be together again:

"I flew into beautiful Cancun, Mexico on August 23, 2010.  My excitement was overwhelming as the airplane landed.  I could not wait to see my husband.  Our embrace when we met outside the terminal lasted for what seemed like forever.   People cheered as we held each other for many minutes.  We grasped each other tightly, burrowing deeply into one another.  We had let each other go once, and we did not want to let go again.  This moment was more beautiful than the crystal clear waters of the Caribbean.  This was a moment to tell our children, and our grandchildren." 

Indeed, In late August 2010, life finally allowed us one week together in the Mayan Riviera.: sitting on the beach, making sand castles, cooking food in hostels.  This was our honeymoon. The day before her return flight, back to Missoula from Cancun, I asked Alia if she was sure she did not want to stay and continue travel  with me, but prefered to go back home. She got mad at me! she said I was crazy: she just could not fail to her responsibility with school. Very well, she took her flight back home, but, few days later, she called me saying she was feeling again lonely, sad and depressed. So, eventually, (considering my previous attempt) I very carefully suggested again switching the order of things: instead of first finishing school alone in Montana and then go travel with me (as we had talked), it would probably be smarter to first go travel together and, once I got my visa, go both together back to Montana, so that she could finish her degree. Alia concluded it was her best option and so flew back to Mexico a couple of weeks later. Needless to say, I took again care of all her expenses. However, to my disfortune, since the suggestion had come from me, to Robyn's eyes, it had always been that I forced Alia to leave school to come with me.

Robyn, therefore, was not ready to accept that Alia would sacrifice again her education to stay with me in Europe. That Christmas of 2011, as much as Alia was missing her family, friends, school and hometown, she knew well the best decision for her was to finish her travels across Europe and then go back with me to Missoula to complete her degree. As a matter of fact, it really cannot come to anybody's surprise it was a good decision, because it had been a very well thought decision, by the person most affected by the outcome of said decision.

         

Alia certainly did not need her mother to be the guardian of her childhood dreams. Alia did not need her mother to be vigilant of her dreams or supervise her to ensure she will never try to betray them. Alia was not a child anymore and had therefore gone past that period of her life, where she needed guidance from her mother. Alia was now a grown-up woman and did not need anymore her mother to "make sure Alia would flourish in life as well as making important fixtures in her life". It is the most basic and fundamental right of any responsible human being, to be able to decide on your own how to work your path through life and steer your own persuit of happiness. Alia now needed her mother to love her and energize, support, fuel and empower her in her next endeavors in life. . Alia had already gone past that point in her life where she had to fly away: she had broken free and had proven herself wise making decisions on her own, for her own good. Alia now needed her mother to just be able to feel happy for her; show that she share her happiness and was able to feel happy for the amazing moments  coming Alia's way. Robyn did not support her daughter when she decided to break free and marry me. Still, Alia was able to succeed. It was then reasonable now to expect that her mother would at least acknowledge her accomplishments. Love is not about how much you want somebody to do something for you; but about how far you want to go to improve your loved-one's life, regardless of any negative consequences that may bring to your own. There is a difference between loving someone and needing someone: when you love someone you want that other person to love you and will therefore want to do your best to contribute to her life and happiness. On the other hand, if you just need that other person, you first and foremost care to keep her around, but you will exhibit less of a concern on how she will feel about it.  

It was reasonable for Alia to feel disturbed, betrayed and heartbroken by Robyn's stubborn argument on what her daughter's real dreams were and should be; by Robyn's relentless negation of Alia's accomplishments; by Robyn's constant inability to share Alia's  happiness. Alia had a very strong emotional dependency from her mother, but was slowly feeling deep questions on whether Robyn really shared her most fundamental life objective to grow up as a happy person.  

We were indeed happy, as happy as anybody can be. We had found many obstacles in our beginnings, but we had overcome them and we were now stronger. We had travelled across 50 something countries. We had been an inspiration to our host. We had it all. We were young and healthy. We had our dream jobs. Although Alia had studied forestry her summer job at the BLM was not really related to forestry and, since apparently it was not possible to get a permanent true forestry job in Montana with just a college degree, Alia had started working as a seamstress, as she has always loved to create art. She did not have to worry about the money, since I had started making a good income doing research and developing artificial intelligence applications as a freelancer. We could choose where in the world we wanted to live, since we were both self-employed. We were getting ready to have children and build a family, but we thought we would still go for our last adventure: Africa! After that we were planning on moving to Hawaii, since Alia likes the beach. We had all the money we needed. We were getting very well together: we had gone through several arguments during those first passionate years we were traveling all over Central America and Europe. Again, Alia was very young when we first met, Robyn's terrible parenting had not been in vain, and Alia's wild spirit of adolescence was still very much alive. But we both wanted very badly to triumph in our marriage, we both worked really hard for it and we had succeeded!: now we were buddies. Certainly, if we were getting into an adventure like going all around Africa in a 4x4, it was not like our relationship was falling apart. Robyn was sad to see her child go, but we were making our dreams come true.

In February 2015, we were finally ready to leave Montana. First we needed to spend a few months in Spain for the final preparations. Spain turned out to be a good place to by a 4x4 for our adventure, like our beautiful 1974 Land Rover Series III. In Madrid we were also much better able to resolve all the African visas nightmare.

Little did I know back then, but February 15 2015 was going to become my last day at our home in Garfield St: the house where we first met and love was born. Robyn drove us to the airport. She was devastated. On our goodbye, I tried to comfort her, assuring her we were going to have the most wonderful time and I was going to take good care of her daughter. She replied concisely and firmly: "I know". Then we hugged.