I Know Best; This Is My Love, These Are Your Dreams; Now, Do As I say.

I Know Best; This Is My Love, These Are Your Dreams; Now, Do As I Say..

When I first met Alia, I was eager to learn about her dreams and goals in life. Little by little she did start revealing all the ideas she had announced to her parents some years earlier, when she was around 16 years old: she wanted to join college, then go to graduate school and, afterwards, spend a couple of years at the Peace Corps. It really seemed like a very busy plan. True it sounded really beautiful: Alia was a wonderful young woman and she wanted to make a difference. I am sure her parents must have felt very proud of her; of course. In fact it was truly remarkable how well defined her plan already was at such an early age. I remember when I was her age I had no idea and was totally confused about what I wamted to be in life. So, I wanted to be a sportsman, but thought I was better suited to be a scientist, but did not know in what field... My parents had been told that computer science was a good option for visually disabled people, but I was good in mathematics. Yet, brain research sounded really fascinating and challenging. So, perhaps, artificial intelligence and robotics was a good compromise. 

For some reason we seem to enjoy to torment children constantly bugging them over and over again with the same old question: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Like there would not be enough time for things to happen, for the kid to grow and evolve, for life to change... that she needs to make a decision right now! Other than amusing ourselves, I wonder what is the point of asking a child what she wants to become, if she has very little idea of most of the professions. For example, there is something really strange about a child saying she wants to become an architect, a salesperson or a securities broker, if she mostly ignores the specifics of those professions. Clearly, children are constantly seeking their parents approval, appreciation and admiration. It is therefore reasonable to think that a child's response is greatly influenced by what she perceives is likely to please her parents. Perhaps we just want them to make a commitment for a career of our liking, and later take their word for it. After all, parents have always tried to control who their kids should marry and who they should not; which careers are acceptable for their kids and which are not.

I do think that was, at least to some extent, the case for Alia; I do think the plan she announce to her family when she was 16, was influenced by what she believed her family would think of such beautiful dreams. Alia stated several times in her emails how she was constantly seeking her loved ones approval and how she felt she always needed to please people. It is only natural, considering that Alia (like, I would say, most women) is a very affectionate person and needs a lot of love. As a matter of fact, Alia wanted to go to graduate school;, but, even when in 2010 she only had one year left of college, she still did not have any clue what direction she would like her graduate studies to go. Likewise with the Peace Corps: 5 years after she had first announced her plan, she still did not know what she wanted to do at the Peace Corps. It had always reminded me to 'Baby', the female hero of 'Dirty Dancing' interpreted by Jennifer Grey. 'Baby' was also the kind of adorable, perfect and idealistic girl, who was planning to join the Peace Corps after finishing college and was going to change the world; because nothing was ever impossible for her (although we all know how the story then ends up: they eventually enroll in Harvard Law School, because they want to fight for the rights of the indigenous peoples, the immigrants and the working class; but, by the time they graduate, they are ready to start working for big oil or some other kind of big-capital corporation, because, after all, the student loans need to be paid off).

Fact of the matter was that Alia was herself not that convinced of her plan. Indeed, she, herself, never really presented it to me. Rather, it was her parents, who told me about the milestones Alia had to accomplish over the next several years. Alia then only finally reluctantly admitted that, yes,  those were the goals she had set for her youth when she was 16. Alia was concerned what I would think of that. Now Alia was not so sure that plan would also have my "approval" and "please" me. Alia was now worried that those plans would make her less appealing to my eyes. These days it may not be politically correct to say it, but, fact of the matter was, that, back in 2010, what Alia really wanted was to marry. Indeed, it had not even been one month since we had first met, and Alia was already talking about marriage. When I, surprised, asked her if marriage was really what she was meaning, she confirmed explaining she felt that was something that had been denied to her for so many years with her previous boyfriend. She felt so adamant about it, that, in all honesty, it did not even seem like it really matter that much to her, who exactly she was going to marry. So, Alia now worried that her plan for the future would dissuade me from marrying her.

Personally, I have never found it very useful to make plans so far ahead in time. From my own experience, life changes so quickly and drastically, that the premises which may advice some course of action at a given time, may soon lose validity and make said plan obsolete. Just as an example, back in February 2010, I had planned to spend that Spring slowly bicycling my way from Montana back to Los Angeles. However, one month later, I found myself wondering if I should marry this Montanan girl... I understand, however, such lack of concern for uncertainty is part of my very own personality and not everybody is like me. I know many people who need some certainty in their lives and feel rather uncomfortable, if they do not have a well defined plan for the next several months. As much as Alia admired my adventurous personality, she needed herself a little certainty in her life. Then, so far so good, I thought. The same way that I was not sure, if I was going to want to follow the path Alia had planned for the next 5-10 years of her life; it did not seem to me worth to get into a conflict and start fighting over something, that we were still uncertain to encounter. After all, Alia did not sound that adamant about it either. It seemed to me, that when the time would come, we would both be able to reason what we thought would be best. As a matter of fact, graduate school and the Peace Corps were not Alia's only dreams. Without a doubt, equally as much, if not more, Alia also wished to travel the world and one day build a big family. Quite naturally, Alia wanted to grow and expand. As I have never been that concerned about other people's approval, I then agreed with Alia that we should never settle for anything less than Heaven. We were young, talented and together we were even stronger. We, therefore, owed it to ourselves to try to get it all. We needed to follow our hearts, focus on what really made us happy and disregard whatever others could think of us. I shared with Alia the bigger dream of building a family and thought we could still fit everything else around it. We would just have to fight hard for it, but I knew we both were ready to work hard to accomplish our dreams.

That, however, was not good enough for Robyn and Daniel. The mere observation that Alia could consider compromise her teenage dreams of graduate school and joining the Peace Corps, was perceived as a total betrayal to Alia's true mission in life, which could only be due to my manipulation. It was, indeed, a big disappointment for Alia's parents, that Alia was not showing anymore that kind of strong commitment for her beautiful childhood dreams. Undoubtedly, I had taken advantage of my older age to manipulate Alia and crush her pure spirit. Robyn's worst fears were coming true: I was going to put a veil on Alia and lock her up at home. It was very confusing and disturbing to have on one hand Alia telling me how her parents kept trying hard to make her see, that I did not at all deserve her love, but had only manipulated her; while, on the other hand, I had to constantly hear Robyn tell me how much she loved me. I understood that I was supposed to reply: "Yes, Robyn, I love you very much too". However, my actual thoughts were more like: "Aren't you a hypocrite, Robyn?" There is however a price tag for refusing myself to be a hypocrite: Alia's parents would soon complain, that I never did anything to win their hearts over.  

Yet, love was, certainly, not what I inspire in Robyn. From very early in Alia's life, Robyn had instilled in her daughter all those beautiful feminist values and had raised her to be a strong, independent woman. Alia had been soon recognized as a very intelligent child and was going to use her talent to make this world a better place. However, here I was to put all that down. For sure I thought women were stupid and would not by any means accept Alia getting a high-paid job, but, rather, would wante to keep her as my servant. I was very disturbed by Robyn's fears: Alia and I were going to marry, but for Robyn that only seemed to mean the beginning of a war to determine who would control whom. I had wanted to think that marriage was about sharing dreams and joining energies to accomplish them.

While I am ready to accept that it is not uncommon for a man to have a dominant twist, I am convinced it is completely wrong to indoctrinate women to perceive men as rivals or enemies. Without a doubt, women have many gifts and skills to keep men in line. Likewise, men have deep weaknesses, which should turn this task fairly easy. As a matter of fact, a man's drive to control his woman is generally the direct consequence of his utmost terror of losing her. Right there men's main weakness gets exposed. It then can only be smart to teach a woman, how to manipulate her man to her advantage and benefit, rather than to simply get rid of him as soon as he starts becoming a nuisance.

When we were in Angola, right after our adventure through Iona National Parkk, we were welcomed by a group of (Spanish) Galician miners at their base camp in Chibbia. Hilariously, they had intercepted our Land Rover one week earlier, as they noticed baffled our Spanish license plate going down the road in far-away Southern Angola. We enjoyed two wonderful weeks being pampered by our new friends and getting some much-needed rest and relaxation. One morning, as Alia was chilling out outside, she caught sight of a couple of birds flying around near our cabin. She was really excited and could not wait to tell me. Apparently, there were two male birds hecticly working on each own's nest. It turns out they were both engage in a frantic competition to build the most solid, comfy and all-in-all best nest for their bride. Indeed, watching it all there was a female bird, pondering which of the male birds she was going to pick and settle with. During the next days, Alia enthusiastically followed the race between the two males, and kept updating me on any new development. It was not long before Alia told me that one of the guys was about to finish and win the prize. We were excited for him, but also felt sorry for the loser. However, a couple of days later, when time was up, the female bird flew to Slowhand's nest. Alia and I were left wondering what led the girl to make such a counter-intuitive choice. Perhaps Slowhand, as slow as he was, had only been acting meticulously and carefully to ensure his nest would fill his bride's heart's desires. Perhaps the girl reasoned that she could afford to wait for her prince to finish up the perfect love nest. We also wondered what would be of Speedy Gonzalez.  After he had gone head over heels, moved heaven and earth to impress the girl; he now found that she had given him the brushoff and left him heartbroken, empty-handed and in really hot water. Nevertheless, where there was no doubt, neither for Alia nor myself, was about how well the female bird had got it. For all the previous days, she have had their male partners working their rears' off, giving the best of them to please her very desire. Now, she got to choose which one she thought was going to serve her needs better. Yet, after all, it was all natural, since Nature had assigned her the key role in the species' survival; whereas the male's role is basically auxiliary. Moreover, if we analyze the male-female relationship, it is easy to see who does more for the other: while the female is going to dedicate the following weeks incubating the eggs and brings out some offspring for him; the male not only gets a sexual thrill and his genetic code transmitted to the next generation, but, in addition, - once he gets his lust satisfied - nothing other than love will stop him from flying away in pursuit of further endeavors and conquests. No wonder the guy is then dying to get the girl's thumbs up. He is definitely going to do anything to prove his love is real and powerful. Hey, never underestimate the torrents of energies and talent a male is able to squeeze out from himself, in pursuit of winning his love's heart! Without a doubt, most of the greatest deeds and accomplishments in History were achieved by a male moving heaven and earth, completely blinded by love and desperate to impress his princess and be awarded the privilege to kneel before her. On the other hand, it only makes sense that the girl is far more cautious before she accepts to get stuck with the eggs. She would hope to have the guy stick around to support her while she incubates the eggs and takes care of the chicks. He will therefore first need to do something big to prove that he really loves her, and is not just looking for an orgasm. In summary, the guy will need to chip in something meaningful to balance out the originally-uneven distribution of responsibilities. Thanks God Nature got it all thought out and designed the male and female constitutions to excel in each one's assigned role. Well, Darwin would actually explain more scientifically, that, since only the fittest species survive, male and female will have to evolve to perform each one's role optimally and cooperate with each other or the specie will go extinct. Consequently, if the female is going to stay longer in the nest, it may help her to be bigger, in order to be better able to protect it. On the other hand, if the male is going to be responsible for catching insects to feed the mother and chicks with, he may better take a smaller size, so that he is faster and more agile. Compared to Nature, humans are kind of slow, but, with the advent of civilization (possibly even earlier), we definitely also figured out that it is only smart, that different individuals specialize in different tasks.

In fact, optimization by task specialization is also the reason why left and right limbs evolved to be differently dexterous. Moreover, if the girl impetuously and foolishly falls for Cassanova, and he accordingly flies away after getting his sexual thrill; since she will not receive any help and there will not be anybody to fetch some food for her, she will have less of a chance to successfully bring up her chicks and fewer of them will make it to adulthood. Hence, it really seems there are good grounds why male and female would have evolved to adopt different average personalities

It is then striking to consider that, what had started as a remark of the good life Nature blessed the female with: having the male provide for her very need and desire, and making her the center of attention and supreme purpose of his life; when translated to humans ends up becoming such a politically incorrect male-chauvinist statement: "women are meant to stay at home having children". Indeed, whereas Mamma used to say: "Can't hurry love", women's liberalization forces have now freed women's minds and empowered them to realize, that they have always wanted to work outside the home, and, albeit nothing will ever release women from the responsibility of bearing children, it is actually morally wrong for a woman to have a man provide for all her needs, and thus take on a submissive role in the relationship. Luckily, with the liberalization of women, today's capitalist societies have also found enticing benefits in bringing and incorporating women to the job market. For one thing, now businesses have at their disposal double the workforce. Therefore allowing to push salaries further down. Indeed, nowadays, unless the family is of really high socio-economic status, it is not viable for a wife to stay at home and live out from just the husband's salary; but she will have to find a job outside the home, whether she wants it that way or not; whichever job this may be.

 

Why does not anybody stay together anymore? No couple survives together more than some years. With the first crisis they all split off. Children are left to their own devices. Children do not have siblings, they barely know other kids in the neighborhood, and their parents are just too busy to have time for them. We just put them to watch TV or keep buying them things, to keep them occupied while we sow the seeds for the problem to grow bigger. It is so sad, because, no matter what they tell us, raisin children is and will always be by far the most beautiful project a human being can ever take on. Yet, we keep missing out. What went wrong with us? We then still have the courage to keep bitching about the young folks not having the right ethics or values, as we, the older generations, have always had; like it would be their fault or their would be something wrong with their genetic code. Certainly nobody ever has time to think that perhaps we failed them transmitting those values and ethics. If children have absolutely no control over the education they receive; then certainly nobody can blame them for not learning the right values. Undoubtedly, the blame is on us.     

The elderly does not have it any better. We abandon our moms and dads, our aunts and onkles, and only think of them to watch for our kids. When they do not have any use anymore, we park them at some residence for the elderly, where they can conveniently wait for their turn to pass away.    

Our modern societies are seriously ill and we refuse to notice. We are so absorbed with work, watching series and reading the news, that we do not have time anymore to think for ourselves, and share ideas, views and feelings with other (real) people. We just rely on the daily news round-up to learn what is going on in the world outside and we so meet our duty as citizens to stay informed to go out to vote on the next elections. It is important that you read, listen and watch the news everyday, in order for them to tell you about all the lies and dishonest tricks employed by our politicians, an so that you can also explain it to all of us dummies and fools, who have not yet figure out all the hypocracy in politics. Although, if all known politicians are awful, we may want to ask ourselves why is that people then vote them. Perhaps, we may have to start concluding that people is stupid. ...Well, not everybody, I mean..., just everybody except us; that is, everybody except you and me, ...of course. However, the statement that basically everybody is stupid is an oxymoron in itself. If some people is stupid, it is because there are some other folks who are smarter; but it cannot be that basically everybody is stupid. If the whole class fails miserably in an exam, we would certainly not accept the teacher argue that all what happened is that all the kids are basically stupid. Therefore, we may want to ask ourselves who explained the material;?, who selected and provided the information?, who made the political analysis? But, we all know it is not reasonable to kill the messengers. Indeed, the same way that there must be a reason why all politicians are awful and why everybody is so stupid, there must be a reason why all journalist cannot help to make incorrect or malicious analysis. It really seems like there is something more to the Media than what they told us. Like a physician that comes everyday to our home, she keeps telling us we are alright. She just gives us a pill and that will take the pain away. She does not tell you though... she gets a commission with every pill she prescribes. It is bad if the judge is a tyrant; but it is actually worse, if your lawyer secretly works for the other party. It seems like Big Brother is slowly tightening its grip.

 Well, at the end of the day, I just had to admit that I had also been utterly defeated. If I had ever hoped that I would at least be able to help the closest person to me, it was becoming clear that I had even failed in that desire. I thought I had learned what in reality was necessary to be happy, and I was eager to share that secret with Alia. When I first met Alia, she immediately fell in love with me. She was truly fascinated and found really interesting everything I had to say. I was this happy, adventurous guy, bicycling across the Western U.S., and she wanted to jump in into the fun. Even then, however, she still always felt challenged everytime I would try to explain some idea or express some disagreement with any of her opinions. I have found we all like to give advice to other people, as much as we hate to receive it. We generally excuse our resistance to recieve advice arguing that it represents a negation of our own judgement and intelligence, and is therefore disrespectful. As a matter of fact, Alia explained several times in her first emails, that she could not help feeling insulted, whenever I voiced a different opinion or simply "told her things". Unfortunately, I am very stubborn and I just do not see any point in accommodating my words to please the other person's ears. I understand sometimes it is not a good idea to say everything you think, exactly as you feel it; but I still hate to be a hypocrite. 

Not to anybody's surprise, we also mostly went through these power struggles during the first months of our marriage. Those were certainly really intense times, that we will never forget. Even more so because we spent most of it traveling, backpacking across Mexico and Central America. I believe it was when we were in beautiful Caye Caulker, that Alia one day finally spat out to me: "If you really love me, you should then believe verbatim everything I say!" I was quite perplexed. Obviously, I could not make any sense nor find any logic in the statement, and I certainly did not beat around the bush telling her bluntly, that she got that all wrong: there was simply absolutely no connection between my love and believing verbatim everything she said. There was no doubt in my mind that she was definitely going to have to come to terms with that reality, because I just could not, it would have been a big mistake on my part, if I gave in. My stern response left Alia as speechless as confused and frustrated; particularly because she knew well that I was right.  

I believe the true reason why we always love to give advice is the same as why we hate to receive it: in reality is all about control. Indeed, if we are able to establish ourselves as intelligent individuals, then we can make a legitimate claim to exert control over those who we suggest are less intelligent people. Now, whenever we give advice, we are clearly making the point that we have a deeper insight than the other party; whereas we are unavoidably acknowledging our advisor knows better than us what he is talking about, whenever we listen to his advice.  

When we first met, Alia was so fascinated with me that she was eager to embrace everything she associated with me and felt was part of me. She so, for example, told me that she would love to learn Spanish. However, she did not want me to start giving her some introductory lesson, to set up some base from where to expand. Rather, her plan was that I began speaking to her in Spanish, and she would slowly absorb it. However, she also explained that, if she ever did not get it right, I should refrain from pointing it out and try to clarify it; because she really did not appreciated to be corrected. Alia did not go to high school and therefore, much unlike myself, never studied a foreign language. Probably for that reason she was convinced, that she could learn a second language without anybody giving her some basic feedback. I need to admit, however, that Alia's view is gaining nowadays more and more acolytes by the day. I have come across many folks, who feel that, if they produce any deviation from the language's standard form to say something, it should not be seen as a mistake, but a colorful expression of their vivid personality.  

Regardless, Alia's method to learn Spanish did not lead her to make much progress, even though we spent one full year deeply immerse in the Spanish culture; first backpacking throughout Central America and then in Spain. Every now and then, Alia would make some attempt at saying something; but it would obviously be difficult for her to get it quite right. It would so not be uncommon that somebody would correct her; concomitantly striking her pride and breaking her confidence accordingly. Enough time would then have to pass, before she gathered enough courage to try again.

That is when something odd happened. In March 2012 we spent a few days with a lovely couple at their home in Puglia. Natalia was Argentinian and obviously spoke Spanish. Nicola was Italian, but given his relationship with Natalia, he had also learned some Spanish; though not perfectly. I would guess that they would speak some Spatalian mix of Spanish and Italian to each other, and be pretty tolerant about it. On the other hand, neither would be very fluent in English. Spanish so became the language where we, all together, felt most comfortably. It turned out to be the perfect setting for Alia's Spanish skills to flourish: At last she had found the right conditions to allow her Spanish loose, without fear of making any mistake and have anybody look at her disapprovingly. In just a few days, all what she had been accumulating and kept dormant over the previous two years came out, and acted an astounding improvement. Remarkably, the circumstances we ran upon at Natalia-and-Nicola's kept repeating themselves over the three months we enjoyed Italy: Most of our Italian friends felt more comfortable in Spanish than in English. Now that Alia was more confident, she would not stop talking. Humorously, Alia found that Italy turned out to be the perfect place for her to learn Spanish.

Alia was now really excited with her new skill and was thinking big. Actually, for quite a while she had been planning on taking some Spanish classes upon her return to college. Over the following weeks we kept progressing eastwards through the Balkans, while Alia took the time to prepare her registration for the upcoming Fall 2012 semester. In the morning of May 20, 2012, on our last day in Albania, she was finally ready to tell me the classes she was going to take: In addition to the standard forestry classes, she was planning on registering for a Spanish and a pottery class. So, here I stood to burst the bubble; I could not make much sense of commiting a whole lot of money in an expensive college tuition for some Spanish and pottery classes. Alia was hurt; she was actually really excited about those classes. She had long been thinking about them; in fact, she had put quite a lot of effort preparing for them and even took a Spanish language assessment exam as a prerequisite for the registration. I knew how important her education was for her and I was curtailing her dreams. Alia was hurt and angry. However, I just could not see it her way. If she wanted to learn Spanish, I had always been happy to spend time with her and give her some Spanish lessons. Yet, I knew well that the whole problem was, that Alia was horrified at the mere thought of having me lecturing her on anything. I could get along with that prejudice; but definitely believed that her pride and need for control were not worth an expensive college tuition.

As it was often the case, we did not reach any conclusion nor did we resume the discussion after that morning. Alia knew that her idea did not make much sense to me, but it was left up to her what to finally do. Alia was so disheartened, that eventually she dropped them all: she did not register for neither Spanish, Pottery nor Ornithology, but only kept those classes strictly belonging to the forestry curriculum. I think Alia came to understand my reasoning (particularly in what referred to the Spanish class), but the fact that she also gave up Ornithology, tells me that there was something more to it. I had never had any objection against Ornithology; as a matter of fact, I believed and have always believed, it was an excellent idea. I had long reached the conclusion, that Alia, being so affectionate, love animals more than plants, and she certainly had a passion for birds. I had so for quite a while entertained the thought to suggest, were she ever go to graduate school, to pursue some study of birds. The Ornithology class could then serve as an excellent springboard for any such plan. I have therefore always felt really happy that at last I was able to save Ornithology for Alia, and she had the chance to take her favorite class in Spring 2013; her last semester in college.

 

Still, I have to admit, that I have always kept a bit of a remorse for dissuading her from taking Spanish or Pottery. While I cannot say that I have changed my opinion about it and I really do not think I would change my position were I ever be given the opportunity to rectify, sometimes I cannot help to doubt, if it was worth to break her heart for a bunch of large dollar bills. Yet, it does not take a deep analysis to understand, that it was not just about money.

Alia valued her education very much; but even more so did she cherish our love. I believe that was the underlying reason, why she dropped those elective classes. Fact of the matter is there was true love between us, and neither Alia nor I were going to allow any pride or dispute for control to get in the way. Obviously, the circumstances are significantly different when it comes to men. I have little doubt that men very rarely are aware - definitely not nearly as well as women - of how much we need love. Furthermore, men will generally not feel any need to be even appreciated by other men; particularly, those in their inner circle. I do think this rivalry and jealousy among (heterosexual) men laid behind my problems with Daniel, my father or my brother-in-law. This is not to say that there is not rivalry between (heterosexual) women. Quite the opposite, to the extent of my knowledge, backstabbing among women is, albeit subtler and more surreptitious, generally significantly crueler. However, the battle among women plays out along different lines than among men, and it does not seem to me that, for example, showing off one's intelligence or wisdom is that much of a factor. In contrast, it reaches its starkest expression in the case of my father's jealousy. Not that long ago, men used to duke their differences out on the street. Since that fashion is these days out of style and socially despised, instead we now strive to establish how much smarter and wiser we are. For example, when I return from Mexico in September 2006, after three truly intense months living in the bare depths of the Mexican society, my father had absolutely no interest to hear a word about my experiences. Rather, he told me that, if I was curious to learn about Mexico, he would be happy to lend me a really good book he had on the subject, explaining everything I needed to know about the country. When Alia first came to my parents' home, my father also pulled out a book on Spain's plant species and used it to test Alia's forrestry knowledge. As Alia did not recognize many of those Spanish species, he concluded that Alia actually knew little about forestry. So, when I remarked to my father, that I doubted an intellectual would have had the chance to descend and deepen in the crude undergrounds of the Mexican society, to the extent to be able to teach me much more about it; my father scorned the sheer arrogance of my response. However, I was disappointed myself that he did not ask any question nor showed any interest to learn anything about my experiences in Mexico. My father likes to say that he has always been a very curious person with a really vivid imagination and a passion for knowledge. However, that must have been only in his early youths and or only from those who he did not perceive as rivals, because, fact of the matter is that, he has never had any curiosity to learn or ask any question about, for instance, my travels around the world or my Ph.D. brain research, other than to test and challenge my actual knowledge on the subject. Regretably, my father  became very early in his life one more victim of the curse of power to always be able to impose his will and get anything he wanted, by simply barking his orders around, or - more often than not - insisting over and over again he knew better what was the best course of action and what needed to be done in every situation. If he had been from upper class, we would all have haled him as a leader and admired him for it. But, since he was only of common stock, he could only keep arguing with all the other men around, about who was smarter and knew better. Foolishly pride and egocentric, divided and uncoordinated, a body without a head, ripe for the picking, begging to b ruled; that is how the upper classes have always wanted us, in order for them to come and show off their fine, classy, smart and superior nature, take command, impose their will, herd us around and exploit, abuse and enslave us. We have come to hale this truly effective and efficient scheme by the fine and lofty title of 'Civilization'. My theory is that, when our drive to dominate is not checked by any sense of a need for love, our selfishness breaks loose using any suitable means, hurting anybody along the way, in order to achieve our ends. My father believes he knows how the world works, but he has no clue of how to find happiness in life. Some people say they want to be alone; but, in reality, they just determine that they will have a better time being alone.

The ideal view that Alia had of me at the beginning of our relationship obviously could not last forever. Eventually Alia also realized that I was not perfect either. However, throughout our marriage, Alia still firmly believed that I was making a positive contribution in her life: I was providing for her wellbeing and her happiness. I certainly do not think there was ever anybody who got the impression that Alia did not love me dearly. After all we have made excellent progress working towards our dreams: Alia had finished colleged, we had traveled across more than 60 countries and we had accomplished the emotional and financial stability and foundations to build a family, whenever we should have so decided. Moreover, there were no clouds in the horizon, which precluded any of our dreams. If at all, after having met some Peace Corps volunteers during our travels, Alia had pointed out that she did not feel that fascinated about joining the Peace Corps anymore. Back in the day, she had seen it as a great opportunity to travel and know other places in the world. However, after all what she had traveled over the previous years, the Peace Corps naturally did not seem such an attractive option anymore. At the end of the day, there was little doubt that we were happy, as happy as anybody can be, and there was little more we could ask from life; certainly nothing worth risking all what we already had.

But Gary had now changed everything. Gary had shattered the image Alia had of me. Alia now started perceiving me as her mother had always told her she should: now I was not good enough for her. I was a burden that she had to drag around. I was taking advantage of her and using her to serve my needs, while her dreams and needs were being ignored or denied altogether. Before meeting Gary, as much as she felt insulted everytime I expressed some opinion, she tried hard not to get mad at me, because she loved me, she did not want to lose my love and respect, and did not want to hurt her marriage. If there is something that I had always admired about Alia is her readiness to admit that she had sometimes been in the wrong. That had always driven Robyn crazy. She just could not understand what may have gone wrong with her daughter, that, even if I was not present, she would go as far as to argue that there had been times where she had not treated me right. For Robyn, such argument was the most obvious sympton that I had manipulated her daughter. From Robyn's perspective, Alia had at home everything that she could possibly need. Nobody was going to love her like her mother. Nowhere would they care for her dreams as they did back home. Nobody was going to appreciate and respect her intelligence as her family did. That is right, Alia was a very intelligent woman, she always knew what she was doing and, therefore, we all had to respect her decisions. All in all, Robyn's mantra sounded really seductive to Alia: as long as she stayed home, she would always get her way. However, like everybody else, Alia had heard about the 'Fox and the Crow' fable. As a matter of fact, Robyn's argument was contradictory. According to her, Alia was very mature and intelligent; but she turned out not to be that much so, when she allowed herself to be manipulated by a loser like myself. Similarly, Alia was very talented and intelligent; but she would not know how to raise her children, teaching them the right values, if Robyn would not be around to guide her. In other words, Alia was very intelligent and we all had to respect her decisions, but only if said decisions would bring her closer to her mother. Fact of the matter is Alia was still very well aware that she was not perfect, as her mother liked to argue, and she was not so sure she wanted to stay tied to her mother for the rest of her life. Alia undoubtedly loved her mother; but you could tell by the look in her eyes, that a chill ran down her spine everytime she thought of Robyn's words swearing that they both would be together forever. Then, faced with the disjunctive, she chose to jump on the opportunity and run away with her knight in shining armor. However, Gary had now blown all that off and the knight had become again a frog. Robyn had been right all along, but she had not wanted to listen. That was going to change though, from now on Alia would not want to listen anything from me. Six years earlier, Alia had looked into my eyes and asked me to help her escape from Robyn's grip. Now, she complained I had all along been using her and, on the other hand, could not find enough words to express how much she appreciated all what her mother had done for her. I say I was defeated, but, in reality, it is Alia who has fallen. Unfortunately, she does not even know: the worst illness is the one, that does not produce any symptons and goes unnoticed.

I had been in the mover's truck for quite a while, I could feel we were getting close to the Backberg's winery, and yet I was not nearly close to the end of my story. When I got into the truck, I was greeted with the typical courtesy "how are you?" question. I obviously did not know how to answer. I did not know where to start. I did not know where to end. I felt I definitely had an interesting story; the kind of story my companions would enjoy to hear. I also thought it would help me to share all what had happened to me, in a way to get it out; but I was sure that I was not going to have time to more than sketch the details. In any case, they certainly had a good time. Interestingly, the two guys to each of my sides were pretty good representatives of the two opposing views of how men see women. The younger guy, being single, obviously found women utmost adorable and desirable, and could not wait for the day that one of those angelic creatures would want to embrace him. The older guy, having been in a long-term relationship, had, however a less beatific, more realistic image of women. He could very well understand my pain and dilemma. He had tried many times to explain to his friend, how the truth was so much different from his naive idealism: a girlfriend would not bring that much joy to his life, as women are actually rather difficult to please. As a matter of fact, one would say, they are simply impossible to please and would, therefore, lead a man to complete desperation and frustration. The younger guy had, however, a very good counter-argument; one that I had also pointed out many times when I was single: married men would generally bitch about women, complaining how they would never be satisfied and how they would turn a man's life into a total misery. Yet, those guys, so much for their bitching, will never think of leaving their wives (if at all only if they had previously found some other woman to care for them); but will instead desperately hold on to them as much as they can.

We had finally arrived to the Backberg's and I had obviously not finished my story. The truckers certainly hated to miss to find out what was the final veredict. True at that time there had not been any final veredict yet. As a matter of fact, still to the day, we still do not really know the end of the story. Certainly, it is undeniable, that the story is trending in a very obvious direction; but who is to say that there will eventually be a big surprise in the last minute. We will then have to agree, that the trucker's misfortune back in Cape Town was not any worse than anybody else's reading this now. The good news, however, are that, unlike in a movie, this is a real-life story and, therefore, we can all still help it to find a happy ending. As we said each other goodby, the two men wished me luck. It was certainly reasonable coming from them; but more than luck, what I needed and still need is help.